blue skies

i wonder...
if having a baby is a little bit like sky diving.
& maybe~
if going into labour...
is a little bit like jumping.
Those first few moments of sheer panic, & thrilling terror as you plummet towards earth head over heels, earth and sky blending together and all your senses struggling to right themselves.
Those first sleepless nights - responding to tiny cries, your body broken and tender, sweating and hungry as you cling to the beauty of life - bonding with your new wee one...
& then -
i imagine -
('cause i've never actually gone sky diving...)
That there would come a moment - where you figure out what is sky, and what is earth...
You learn that tiny person loves a long sleep in the morning... and at 7pm, only wants to be nestled into mama's neck... until 9 - when he'll fall into a deeper sleep & allow himself to be gently put down.
Maybe there comes a moment, while still in free fall - where you figure out, what's what...
& you get used to changing his diaper quickly 'cause you know he hates to be naked... You can tell by the change in his breathing, he's about to wake up - or fall asleep... your milk lets down right before he cries to be fed - and you feel like this tiny stranger - has become your most intimate companion...
Maybe, you start to enjoy the fall - as you feel the wind rip at your clothes with the speed of your decline - & you look into the face of the one you love & whisper - "How did i ever live without you?" & maybe in that moment - though you're plunging towards earth at breakneck speed -
maybe...
it will seem in that moment, like the whole world is standing still - as you let his tiny head fall back just enough that you can fit your lips into the soft skin of his neck - and just... breathe.

Maybe one day -
i'll pull the chute...
& i'll wonder where all those crazy plummeting, sleepless nights went...
Those crazy careening moments, days, weeks and months i spent figuring out my little person - & his needs, wants & comforts.
Maybe one day, i'll be floating towards earth - remembering the thrill of jumping - the terror of falling - and i'll think, poignantly... i wish i could float towards earth a little slower... 'cause this sure has been an joy... a gift... a thrill -
to raise this boy -
to watch him grow -
to smother him with love and kisses -
to teach him to be a man -
to tell him about our Father,
and to experience,
yet again -
the adventure of motherhood.