4th midwife appointment - Sloanie's turn

Yes.
It should have been peyton's turn, but she wants to wait for a day when daddy's not out of town so she can share it with him. Funny monkey.
Sloanie was quick & eager to fill in her spot.
She remembered at the traffic circle that she had forgotten her latest novel at home. i assured her that she could make it through a couple of hours without a book & she looked at me with those dreamy eyes of hers & said, "yeah... i guess so..." so slowly that i was sure she doubted me.
We talked about babies, childbirth, Gagey and middle of the night labours... & when we arrived & parked, she held my hand on the way to the door. She perused the titles of the books they had available to borrow & then put her head on my shoulder as we sat & waited for my name to be called.
i figured out that like me, her love language is *touch*... She's got such a soft, gentle touch. i pull her up from her seat as we're called in.
The midwife & i discuss previous births, my preferences & opinions.
Sloanie listens quietly.
When the midwife palpates my stomach, she proclaims the baby to be breech & also quite "small" - i sigh - i'm used to this news... With both Gagey & Mollen i was told that my babies were "dangerously small" & was surprised by babies that were each over 8lbs. i decide to take that news with a grain of salt as the midwife listens for my wiggly baby's heartbeat with a stethoscope. After a couple of minutes, she switches to the doppler & we hear the confused sound of my little one's heartbeat mixed with mine.
It's windy, but not cold outside as we leave.
i feel her warm hand slip into mine.
The leaves are gone & my next appointment will be in December - before we know it, baby will be here...
i hope this next one is as soft as the sweet girl walking next to me.

first kisses...

The van is unusually quiet. Cai is picked up from Bow Valley Fiddlers & Gagey is almost asleep in his carseat as we stop at the church to pick up the rest of our rambunctious crew...
We have a few minutes before we need to go in, so we sit in the van, listening to the radio in the darkness.

Cairo: Mom, what if my very first crush doesn't feel the same way about me?
Mom: Well, yeh, that happens sometimes...
Cairo: That would be embarrassing...
Mom: Love by it's very nature is embarrassing though - putting yourself out there, wearing your heart on your sleeve...
Cairo: i bet you've never been embarrassed to love dad though.
Mom: i remember when he told me he liked me.
Cairo: Did you just jump up & say, "I LIKE YOU TOO??!!"
Mom: Yeah... Pretty much...
Cairo: What did HE say?
Mom: He said, "so, can i kiss you?" & when i said, "yes" he proceeded to give me the worst kiss that has ever been given... & then he said, "sorry, i was nervous..."
Silence.
Cairo: (giggling) That's so dad.

i was gratified to find out...

That i am a genius.
If any of you remember this post... oh, c'mon, go back & read it... it's short...
My sister sent me the following email:

Paige, thought of you when i came across this quote tonight. You and your "Did you ever have thoughts without words?" question. "yeah Paige... they're called FEELINGS." I guess it's actually called GENIUS. haa haa --j

These thoughts did not come in any verbal formulation. I rarely think in words at all. A thought comes, and I may try to express it in words afterward. Albert Einstein

Monday Morning

It's still dark outside as i creep past the slumbering children sharing their queen sized bed. Molls sleeps on the inside so that she can't escape to daddy's bed in the middle of the night - Cai has never looked more like a teenager than she does at this moment with her blankets covering her face & her body looking all long & lanky sprawled out across the outside edge of her bed.
Our house smells like the hazelnut coffee that Neil has already brewed. He's sitting by the fireplace checking emails on his blackberry.
i take my seat opposite him & put my feet up beside his.
i'm wearing blue denim maternity overalls borrowed from a friend, my 1972 roller rink t-shirt & flipflops. He's wearing a pristine dress shirt & pants that i had to hem 3 times before they were good enough.
i hate that i can see his suitcase sitting in the hallway from where we're sitting. Away, again this week - i know he's trying to get in all his travelling before the baby comes... but i miss him.
There's no need to exchange many words as the sky begins to change hue from black, to dusky grey. We get up simultaneously to get our coffee - his black, mine with cream & sugar - & as we return to our chairs that face each other & share an ottoman, little messy haired children begin to make their appearances one by one.
The minutes are slipping by too quickly - i know he'll soon be gone.

Is this what growing old together means?

These yielding moments in front of the fireplace?
The peace that comes just being in each other's company?
The familiar quiet - the longing in absence - the smell of 'home'?
i hope so...
Already, it's hard to remember a time when i wasn't crazy in love with the man sitting across from me. As these good years stack up on themselves - & our children grow - & our feet continue to share the ottoman between us, may there always be another monday morning with hazelnut coffee in the early glow of sunrise...

Cutting Corners

My mother in law is an awesome housekeeper. She's also a wonderful hostess... she's not obsessive & nit picky - just real, homey and clean.
Over the years, she has graciously shared many tips with me to help me get from where i started out as a newly wed teenager... (shudder) to where i am now... coping nicely (most of the time) with a busy, full house.
One tip that she shared with me early on shocked me. She casually said, in conversation about cleaning, "I cut corners all the time."
i wanted details.
It was just little things - but i noticed that she never got so stuck in *perfectionism* that she lost sight of her goal: a tidy home.
i made it my goal to be the same way.
i'd spot check my floors or windows when i could get away with it...
Skipping what i could & doing whatever i noticed needed doing.
i'd get rid of clutter & look for ways to create *wide open spaces*.
i'd make sure everything had a place & that each nook & cranny wasn't crammed to capacity.
She showed me by example that when we came to visit, the house was clean when we got there... & she assured me, it would get clean again later when we left, but while we were there, she would enjoy those little finger prints & let the puzzles spread across the living room floor & the couches get turned into forts.
Her house was a home first.
When i sighed at her streak free windows & her crumb free cupboards, she would remind me that she didn't have little ones living at her house - & that my house was *very* tidy considering all the living that went on there. Always encouraging, suggesting, helping when she was around but mostly just enjoying what we had.
One time, i remember going through a big bag of pass me down baby clothes with her. She let me do the choosing, but gently encouraged me to only keep the best & really, how many outfits does a baby need anyway?
Neil inherited a lot of his mom's simple cleanliness. Over the years, his inability to live in a disaster zone has rubbed off on me - & i've learned that if i wanna visit with him, relax with him or have him just *be with me*, then i'd better have the house in a semblance of order when he walks through the door. He's not a perfectionist either - but he requires *order* to relax.
At first it hurt to constantly be culling... but now, i can chuck almost as good as he can. Like i said in a previous post, my motto has become, "getting rid of 'stuff' to make room for people".
i sure haven't 'arrived' as a perfect housekeeper. i know i have a lot of training to do with my little people to get them to be good little housekeepers. i have a lot of little drawers & cupboards that could use some attention... i've got areas that seem to win regardless of how often i tackle them & try to get them under control... i've got bits of dust & dirt where i'd love to see sparkling shine & fingerprints where i'd love to see streak-free perfection.
But it's coming...
Sometimes i imagine myself mother in law to my son's wives.
Will i have any gems to pass down to them?
Maybe they will far surpass me as wives, mothers and housekeepers.
Maybe they'll need a little encouragement & advice.
Hopefully i'll be ready.

conflicted...

Ever feel like you're wearing a hat to hide yourself, shoes that your husband likes, a shirt that will fit over the baby... & pull down for the nursling, socks that your children didn't steal & the only pants that fit...
You look in the mirror & wonder...
Where's me?

Biggest Loser

i took out my running pants the other day.
They looked impossibly tiny - but they fit me only 5 short months ago - maybe less...
i pulled them up & held them up to my nice round tummy, smiling at my husband who was already nestled in bed. He glanced up & without pausing said, "It's like watching the Biggest Loser in reverse..."
It's a good thing he knows i can laugh at myself.
& me? i'm feeling impossibly good. i can't believe i'm getting ready to count down the final 10 weeks. This pregnancy has flown.
i was thinking to myself the other day that i should not be feeling this good when i'm this pregnant, so i looked back in my journal from G's pregnancy & i was saying the same thing... i figure if all follows the same pattern, i've got another good 5 weeks to go before my body falls apart again. i'm planning on embracing it this time... When i ache, i'm gonna have a tubby, when i'm tired, i'm gonna sit down, when i'm uncomfortable, i'm gonna get comfortable... when i puff up, i'm gonna guzzle water & be gentle with myself. If possible, i'm gonna pull all the joy that there is to be pulled from this beautiful countdown.
i'm not ready to not be pregnant anymore.
i'm loving feeling little legs & knees & a sweet little twisty, turny head inside of me... the sweet company in my own body of another little person i love, the way that me and G make a baby sandwich when he nurses. i'm loving the look of surprise that is happening more & more often when Gagey is snuggled in my arms & he gets a little boot to his belly.
If only there was a way to preserve these days & these most beautiful moments...

good suggestions...

Neil suggested to me the other night, after a night of less sleep than we both require:
"paige, i know you have to get up a billion times in the night to pee... But do you think you could tip toe?"
Sorry for making you uncomfortable...
Nerd.

reunited

it seems to me that neil has been travelling a lot in recent history...
& although he took us with on this trip...
he's still not here.
He's on the ferry as i type.
He should be here before supper.
As we tried to take the kids for a hike, i moaned to my mom, 'aw, i wish that when you'd see us, it wasn't always with me being a single mom.'
Charter had Molls in a headlock & Gagey refused to sit in his stroller or walk... or be carried by either of my parents, so i was hefting his 30lbs along with my extra 20 & it was taking my breath away. It was raining & the mud from the trails had followed Gageys shoes all over my pants.
Neil loves to brag about how little he works, but the truth is - he works long and hard. He works all year long... through any holiday we've ever taken... right down to working the days our babies were born. i rarely see him go an hour without a phone call or an email... right through from dawn's early light to bedtime.
He just *likes* his work... & he doesn't complain...
i remember when the mill shut down when Peyton was a baby & he refused to go on unemployment insurance... instead, he went out in the bitter cold & poured concrete till it got too cold, then built someone's barn... then took any odd job he could to keep a roof over our heads & food on the table, eventually moving north a full month before the rest of us could join him, living in a dingy hotel room in a tiny town so he could get his feet back under himself.
i got such a good man.
Yeh, times are a lot less desperate than they were in some of those early years, but the drive to work hard & to give all he's got for the money he's earning has never lessened.
i'm so proud of neil for working so hard - & for taking such good care of us...
But i sure miss him.

sleeping with baby

He's been having a little trouble sleeping lately.
i see a haggard looking woman looking back at me in the mirror...
Neil was gonna be in Vancouver & i was in Victoria.
i decided there was room for his little warm body in my bed. i told him at nap time that we were gonna sleep together that night & judging by the smug little smile on his dimply face, he understood exactly what i said. At bedtime, after the big girls had begged for at least another 5 minutes of play with him, i finally fandangled him off to my bed.
The room was dark & i could hear him breathing next to me.
He made some lame efforts to stay awake - whispering in the dark, rolling over & patting my back, trying to stand up... but we both could tell it wasn't a night for fighting... tonight was a night for snuggling.
In no time, he was a limp, snoring noodle in my arms - & as i gently eased my arms from around him, i found that the house was already silent.
i had tucked Mollen & Peyton in their bed & i had said 'goodnight' to the big girls & knew they were already in their bed. i crept out in the darkness & found Charter in his little nest & he wrapped his arms around me & sighed, "i had a good day, momma." Me too, buddy.
i brushed my teeth and hopped back into bed with my slumbering prince.
In the dark, i missed neil - so i reached out for my soft little companion. i breathed in the smell of his sleeping self & thought that it's no wonder he went to sleep so nice for me.
Couldn't we all use a warm body in the night?