Vulnerability

Man, it takes a lot out of a girl to submit a little piece to a magazine devoted to documenting stories of motherhood. It's kinda like going outside naked & smiling & waving at the traffic driving by... Mamalode published a couple of my pieces a while ago, and it took me 4 years to gather up my courage to submit more. They're publishing two this summer and the first one went live today! Read it here if you'd like! 

http://mamalode.com/story/detail/to-the-mama-afraid-of-change

i'm gonna...

i mean... i might.
i hate putting out goals or dreams that i'm not absolutely certain i can achieve.
i think there's a pride thing there.
When i started running a couple of years ago - i didn't even want to whisper it to friends or family until i had completed my 10k. Then i felt like i had an accomplishment under my belt & it wasn't just an, "i'm gonna," it was an, "i did."
This past week, i read a blog post about a blogger's line in the sand, "No More Excuses". She claims she's not gonna live her life with obesity clawing at her health - & i believe her. She bravely put out her strategy & her "before" pictures - & i swallowed hard 'cause i know i wouldn't have the humility to do that.
And then i read another of my favourite blogs & she posted about her DNF in her most recent marathon. She completed over TWENTY miles & then had to quit (i should point out here, she was running with the stomach flu... not cool).
i wanna be able to post inklings of dreams without feeling like i should burn with shame if i fail.
Ever since i broke my kneecap last year, i have been reticent to blog about running...
There has been so much pain with my knee & i thought for awhile that running just can't happen for me (& let's be honest - maybe i won't ever be able to run very far without pain) - but, i have been running... and i feel a tiny burst of victory every time i run past that place where i fell & broke my knee.
"See, broken knee? We can do this again, can't we?"
These little short snippets of runs - they make my heart pound and leave me breathless - but i want them to be longer and faster... and (swallowing pride) if my knee holds out, i'm gonna ...i might... i want to... run a race again someday.

*****************************************************
PS - Another book review for 40 Weeks! Take a look here.
i wanna say *thank you* to everyone who has so graciously read & reviewed my book. A couple of you even put reviews on Amazon too & that is *so very* appreciated. If you do a review, please let me know so i can link to it!

lemme out

This tender photo resonates with my oft imprisoned feeling soul.
It was taken a few weeks ago - when there was still snow on the ground... but now it is work and chores and driblets of schooling, and my own exhaustion at the end of it all that keep me entombed within these walls.
lemme out, spring -
summer, i'm comin' for you...
Neil has been taking me out for tiny snippets of runs. Since i fractured my knee cap last year, i have been struggling with pain if i run too far, too fast - but our little tastings are only enough to whet my appetite.
The sun on my head and the wind in my face feel so right.
& soon my little driblets of schooling will be swept clean - and me and my tiny chickies will run free...


photo of ephraim by uncle T

compensating.

i'm trying to run again.
Just little bits - feeling my way along - trying to figure out how this body works again.
& it's funny - in this new step i rediscovered something that has happened many times over the course of healing...
While i'm running - & mentally checking my gait to be careful of my weak knee...
i'll notice my opposite hip begin to ache.
i have noticed different aches & pains - little minor grumblings of discomforts as the rest of my body tries to compensate for - & protect - it's weak member.
& today as i walked at a brisk pace...
& i noticed my hip begin to ache...
i thought about how there is nothing wrong with my hip.
It just needs to bend & act differently... & maybe even ache -
for the sake of another.
& it occurred to me - that maybe i should be prepared to do the same - for any broken member of The Body that i am a part of too.

knee update - the boring stuff

How's that for a blog title?
People ask all the time tho, so i thought i'd just jot down where i'm at at this point.
i can walk - even walk fairly briskly - without a limp.
i can walk slowly up stairs - with a hand rail.
i can only walk peg leg down the stairs, not bending my bad one.
i don't have my full range of motion - & they're not sure i'll ever get it all back.
i'm diligently doing exactly as i'm told & hoping that it pays off in the end.
My knees look a lot more alike than they did even a week ago - so things are obviously still improving.
After several vague responses, i asked again when i'll be able to run & the physiotherapist answered, "At some point well beyond 12 weeks..."
We're at 8.5 right now - so there's a ways to go.

physio...

Funny - my knee bent just fine a couple of months ago.
Now to relearn that nifty trick.
Actually, the physiotherapist has told me that i'm doing really, really well considering the freshness of my injury.
i find i get ants in my pants though... i'm ready to go bounding up the stairs, 3 at a time, rather than gingerly letting my left one do all the climbing while i make sure not to land on my right one too heavily.
i'm learning to be patient....
& that's a valuable virtue to get strengthened.
Bring it on, Father -
bring on the teaching -
the spiritual physio that will take my weakest areas & strengthen them... so that i'm able to walk without a glaring limp...
Let my weakness point to Your strength.

fo' realz

(So fun that you can type things you would never say...)
Anyway...
i'm so over having a straight leg. (8 more days)
i'm allowed to take off my zimmer to shower, but not to sleep or anything else. (For another 8 days.)
But i take it off sometimes just to look at my gnarly leg, scratch the flaking skin off, enjoy the greenish hues and the roundness of my knee (still swollen for crying out loud!) in contrast to the rest of my leg that is so skinny, i'm tempted to eat my weight in burgers - till i see my dimply thigh on the other side & am.. comforted? *ahem*
As i was saying...
Last night i took it off & experimentally tried to bend my knee... just a little.
i can't.
i can't bend my knee. i felt panic well up in my chest... "Neil, if i can't move my knee now, how'm i gonna walk when i get this thing off? (In 8 days.) How do i get better? How can life be normal when i have my freedom (in 8 days) if i'm still limping like i am now? That's it. i need to quit wearing this thing. i need to get my leg working now, i need to start to bend it so that i can walk sooner, start recovering, stop limping!!"
Frantically, i told my brain to make my knee bend - & it refused.
i looked at Neil.
He looked at me.
"When you talk to me about your knee, it makes my bum tingle..."
Thanks for your support.

same ol'

so - after waiting 3 hours in the waiting room...

i did not get a new cast yesterday...

Nope.

He wanted to get me assessed by an orthopedic surgeon...

(Maybe this is part of what i prayed for yesterday....?)

It's an inconvenience, yes...

& boy was i ever looking forward to scratching my leg...

but it's a part of life - & i'm sure that i'll be glad to have that assessment & make sure that all is healing as it should.

In the midst of being absorbed in this one tiny body part...

i find it almost humourous -

i'm sick of blogging about it... (surely anyone who reads my blog is sick of reading about it! Sorry 'bout that!) & i think,

Surely, Father - You must have better things for me to do than to wait in waiting rooms, asking sweet friends who *also* have better things to do - to drive me around. Surely Father, you want me making a comfortable nest at home for my husband - not phoning him at work to remind him of yet another job that i am unable to do.... Surely it would be best if Ephraim's routine were not so disrupted and if my other children weren't left so much lately to their own devices. Maybe you need me to play a beautiful song for you? i'd sure love to do that... - or write a pretty blogpost that will inspire my children, should they choose to read this all someday... no? You want me here? Well then, take my heart and make it beautiful in Your eyes. Take my desire to serve my family & use it for Your Kingdom. Replace the songs i would have sung and the words i would have written - with songs and words that glorify You in this new humbled state.

In other news, my baby saw fit to give me 9 straight hours of sleep on Wednesday night. i love that smiley little guy. It's amazing how different babies will be...

i'm sure grateful for such an easygoing little person. His fussy times are few & far between - his smiley times are generous and frequent & he likes to sleep in nice long stretches.

i may just have hit the jackpot.

There is so much to be grateful for... it would be a great sadness to ignore it.

half way to who knows where...

Today i'll get this old cast exchanged for a new one. i'm gonna scratch that spot behind my knee, rub my calf & then let them put on the new one.
i'm nervous about recovery - seems i have spent so much time as of late recovering...
i forget what it feels like to be recovered.
i have been asking God lately to please restore my knee to complete health - with no residual pain & no limitations on my activities.
Healing is such a funny thing - we've talked about it a lot in my family - from my nephew's epilepsy, my niece's hormone deficiency, my sister's 4 month straight bout of illness...
& then there's our little ones who, though we begged God to let us raise them -
were taken home early...
i don't know what God thinks when i ask him for this small miracle -
complete restoration.
But i do know that He's my Father,
He loves me,
& that it's ok to run to Him, and tell Him what i long for & to ask Him for what i know He is able to give.

Day 14, 28 days remaining...

14 points for 14 days!

1* i have learned how to walk with crutches - despite Cai's hilarious blog post that seems to downplay my abilities.
2* i usually lose my baby weight in the first 3 months after having a baby - i've just been lucky that way i guess... i'm curious to see what my body is doing this time as i accumulate hours on the couch...
3* My littles have learned how to use me as an excuse, "Sorry! i was coming, but i got caught behind mom on the stairs..."
4* i went downstairs for the first time since my fall. "Downstairs" is the sleeping place of 3 of our littles and it's also home of our laundry room, rec room & a bathroom... i have been a little nervous - but i was pleasantly surprised.
5* Peyton gathers the laundry, Cairo sorts the loads & starts them, Charter switches into the dryer & Sloanie brings me the loads to fold & then she puts them away - quite the system.
6* My Neil is tired. He's usually pretty tired - he's got a lot on his plate... He's just the best guy... but he's more tired than usual lately - i feel really bad about that.
7* Ephraim is sleeping through the night. i can't imagine if we had a sad little baby this time, how hard this would be. Ephraim is like a dream. He goes to bed at 9pm & wakes for a snack around 4am & back to sleep till 7 (most nights).
8* i don't know how we would have made it through the last 2 weeks without people bringing us meals. i'm imagining we would have eaten a lot of pizza... mmmm pizza...
9* My family wishes i could do more of my job. i do too.
10* i'm trying to only count down the days till i get my cast changed rather than off... 'cause it's shorter...
11* i totally get why children stick things inside their casts.
12* i have hardly played the piano in the past 2 weeks - Sometimes i really wish i had broken my left leg.
13* i think Neil worries that i have left all semblance of hygiene in the past.
14* i'm worried that he might be right.

Living

Lemme tell you, Mollen had no trouble finding dancing partners...

i spent a teary day in my pj's.
i think it was called for under the circumstances.
The pain (i'm sick of that word) is still pretty bad - & i keep hoping that the next time i move, it won't hurt quite so badly... Everything is weighed against the pain... 'i'm thirsty... but it can wait...' 'boy, it would be nice to get out of my jammies into some real clothes... boy that would hurt... '
That night, Friday night, was Cairo's barn dance put on by her fiddle group. i had so been looking forward to watching my girl on this night - but night comes & i feel weak, tired & so, painfully, sore...
"Are you coming mom?" She asks...
i wouldn't miss it...
i can tell that Neil's exhausted from, "Taking care of ALL of my babies..." He says pointedly.
But, i tucked my greasy hair into pigtails, slipped into a big pair of pants & put on some lipstick.
When we arrived, all the seats were filled & the old people in them looked at me with my crutches & tiny baby & fairly clutched their seats nervously. We stood at the entrance for awhile - Neil scoured the room for an empty seat & picked it up & carried it back for me.
i feel like i'm inconveniencing everyone... & it makes me feel oh-so-uncomfortable... but for whatever reason, i'm in a season of helplessness, & there's just nothing to be done about it.
My girl played.
She played, she danced, she held hands with her girlfriends.
My camera battery died.

*(Keep an eye on her blog for a more thorough description of the evening.)*
When we finally arrived home, i hobbled into bed...
Time for a game plan...
Tomorrow, i decided, i'll figure out how to take a bath... i'll get myself dressed & put on make up. Tomorrow, i'll figure out how to do better than to cope. Tomorrow, maybe it won't hurt quite so bad... & i'll be able to get up and down a little easier - with a little less pain...
Tomorrow.

& so each day will bring a little victory - maybe a little more get up and go, maybe the thrill of an outing to watch my little ones do what they do, a visit from my bundle of energy sister, an inspiration from a good book...

& eventually i'll be able to look at these 6 weeks as living rather than a little prison sentence...

Day4, 38 days remaining.

We've had better weeks...

We've had weeks with less tears...

Weeks with less helplessness...

Weeks with less surrender, less clinging to Jesus, less desperate prayers....

So, i'll take this week, Father - with all the good, the bad, the pain, joys and snuggles...

May it serve to draw us all closer to You...

Living with Pain

Most of the last couple of months, i have been living with some degree of pain...
Those last tender weeks of pregnancy, those first tender weeks post-partum...
Breastfeeding, combined with sleep deprivation...
& now this.
i thought once we got the cast on (full leg, ankle to thigh) that i would be in less pain, but, man, i’m still feeling it. Also, my big scab underneath keeps adhering to the cast & then ripping off every time i move. i can’t carry my little sweetheart and walk with crutches, stairs are really hard & so is getting dressed. i’m having a hard time taking care of myself, let alone all the little ones who need me.
i have been examining my heart - & i want to learn now - to rejoice despite the pain... To smile despite the circumstances, to talk about beauty rather than agony.
But the agony keeps creeping in...
Isn't that just how it is?
& so, today - i'm choosing to let the agony in... i'm gonna cry & it might get ugly...
No, i'm not gonna whine - i'm gonna cling.
i'm not gonna be angry - i'm gonna cry out to Him.
i'm not gonna fake a smile - i'm gonna worship my Father - who is worthy.
He's not there only when it's easy... He sees this little mama with her seven precious little ones - He knows how very weak i am.
& in my weakness, He supplies the strength.
He whispers words of compassion and love that speak to me in my vulnerability...
i hear you, Father.

lookin' for silver...

oh, stormclouds...
The medi-Center called today.
i knew it wouldn't be good.
i fractured my patella.
i have a cast (horrible blue & white 'cause those are the only colours they had...) for 6 weeks.
Six weeks.
& no running after that for at least 2 more weeks.
i guess that's why it hurt. so. bad.
Of the clothes that fit me post baby... very few fit me now - post baby, post broken leg.
& i know that i have some big kids - who are amazing - but everyone still needs mama.
Neil needs me.
My attitude has been, *ahem* less than stellar.

Father?
This is such a silly thing for me to be fretting about... i know it.
If you're trying to teach me something - i gotta admit - i've been looking at myself too much to find it... instead of just asking you to show me.
So, teach me.
i will put aside my frustration, my cabin fever, my wants & desires, my overwhelmed heart, my... 'how'm i gonna do everything i need to do now?'
You know everything i need to do... everything i need to be - for all the people who are needing me.
& only You know what i need.
There is a silver lining on this stormcloud...
Help me - see You.
amen

big girls don't cry...

except when they do.

& honestly?

They sometimes cry 'cause they fell and hurt themselves.

Especially if they're me.

i didn't even breathe a word that i was ready to lace my shoes again... but i was ready. i had my first run under my belt & was ready for my second...

Halfway through the run, i was killin' it. (For me... a month post partum...) & i thought, 'i'm gonna totally take at least 4 minutes off the time of my first run!!'

But no, i'm a huge klutz & i wiped out... yeh, hit both knees, both hands, an elbow & believe it or not, a shoulder. If you were the person driving past me, i don't blame you for not stopping... especially if it's cause you were laughing too hard.

If you know how much i hate doctors, then you'll know how much pain i had to have been in to go to the walk in clinic. i haven't been to the doctor in over 2 years. They sent me for x-rays & they don't think it's broken - but she said i can't walk for 2-3 weeks or exercise for 3-4 weeks. i have no idea how i'm gonna take care of the small fry - from the couch?... i can hardly walk - can't climb the stairs... maybe tomorrow will be better. It's hard to see the funky swelling & the bruising juuuuust beginning in the pic, but enjoy a small taste of my bitter disappointment.

*sob*

i guess exercise will have to wait another 3 weeks.

Hot.

Dang.

How are you feeling?

Baby Ephraim & i had our two week follow up midwife appointment.
Did i have any questions or concerns? Is my body recovering sufficiently? Is baby growing normally? How is breastfeeding? Will i be requiring birthcontrol? (ha)
& then she turned & looked pointedly at me & said, "& how are you *feeling*"
"i'm so... happy." i smiled... breathing in my baby's fresh smell & holding his tiny boneless body in my arms.
Yeh, i'm tired, my husband's away all week on business, my body's a little achy...
but i look at my small son -
& my other 6 beautiful jewels -
& who could feel anything but joy?

He's growing.
He's already 10lbs 4oz at 2 weeks.
i told him that's enough showing off, that he can slow down & enjoy his teenyness for a little longer.
He replied, "i'm hungry, mama."
*sigh*

New Years Resolutions?

& yeh, i'm gonna post them here.
i have one that's more of a goal... & one that is more of a resolution.

1. Before i got *too* pregnant, i ran my very first 10K. i was really proud of myself - i had always wanted to run, but had never gotten into a routine. i thought that maybe if i had a new, fun habit that was good for me, it would keep my mind off having babies... God tricked me - & running is likely what changed my body's rhythm enough that this baby knocked me off my feet with surprise when i found out about that precious life growing inside. By the time i found out i was pregnant, i had already registered for the race, so i decided to just go for it if i felt good enough. That morning, i didn't say in my post, but i did feel pretty gross (i was about 8 weeks pregnant) - but *so happy* to have accomplished my goal. My goal for 2010 is to run a 5k. i know, it's not a huge goal - but i wanna be gentle with my body recovering from childbirth & likely nursing 2 little ones! If i feel really good - & i think i can do it, i'll up it to a 10k... but really, i should be able to do a 5k for sure.

2. This second one - i give myself permission to welch on... (recipe for success eh?) Ever since i heard about nanowrimo, i always wanted to give it a go. i'm not sure if i can come up with a story line for a novel - much less a 50, 000 word novel written over the period of one month (the month of November)... & i'm not sure Neil would be impressed with me dedicating a huge chunk of time to a creative endeavour that is 'just for fun'... but the idea nags at me... Could i do it? Could i come up with something i was proud of? Could i write down my ideas & imaginings within the framework of a novel?

So, there you have them... my resolution & my goal. It's kind of fun to file them in my mind & wonder what 2010 will bring...

running on holidays

i wondered if my weak self would just quit after i got bragging rights by running a 10k.
So, imagine how pleased i was when after i ran it... i felt like running... more.
But -
(Isn't there always some big fat lame but?)
Here's the story. At the very end of my race... i mean, i could see the finish line... suddenly, i noticed an ache start in my knee. i didn't think much of it & finished the race & on home & felt pretty normal that day (Sunday). The next day, i took off 'cause i wasn't feeling great - we had company & stayed up too late eating... & i thought i had earned a rest day, but by Tuesday i was ready to roll again. i put on my runners & hit the road. About a half mile into my run, my knee started to ache again. i shortened my run, & walked some & got home not even winded. Next day the same thing happened, so i took Thursday off. Friday i thought, 'Surely by now my knee is fine... '
Nope.
So, all my runs have been pretty short (2-3.5 miles) ever since my 'big run' - which really wasn't that big of a run at all & was something i had worked my way up to & had already done a couple of times before...
While here on our vacation, i've just done a couple of really short (but nice hilly) runs.
i'm hoping to get back a little more distance in the next couple of weeks before i lose everything that i worked up to.
Am i too old to learn a new trick?
Am i too much of a wimp to keep going despite a bit of an obstacle?
What will our hero do in the face of adversity?
i'm likely more curious than you are...

i am the proud new owner of my very own PR.

So, i told you on Friday i would tell you something interesting on Monday & nobody bit! Nobody had curiosity eating them up at night while they wondered what juicy tidbit i could possibly have for them come Monday. Well, 's ok... i'll tell you anyway... i have a PR.
Public Relations?
Press Release?
Puerto Rico?
PR?
Personal Record.
i ran in my very first ever 10k race this weekend (yes, on Father's Day - i am a bad wife...)
The whole thing made me pretty nervous... i couldn't remember one single reason why i thought it was a good idea to register in the first place by the time race day rolled around. It was gloomy & cloudy & really cold - with even a sprinkling of rain. i didn't tell many people 'cause i found the whole thing kind of hilarious. Mollen asked me, "momma, are you gonna race against other mommas?" & it all seemed kind of silly - but i still wanted to do it.
Neil was a trooper - he dropped me off to get my time chip & went & got hot chocolate for the crew (yes, it was that cold). Then he came to cheer as i crossed over the start line. The first few seconds were just kind of almost walking, almost jogging as there were a ton of people & it was very crowded. Right away, i ran into a piece of luck. A HUGE FAST man went in front of me & kind of cleared the way through all the beginning rabble & by the time i lost him, i was out of the crowd finding my own pace. i had my watch on, so i was keeping track when i could see a km marking & i knew my pace was pretty right on what i've been at home & i was feeling pretty good by the time i came around the bend to the 5k finish line (the 10k racers just passed on the side & did a second loop). That's when i saw my whole little crew jumping & cheering at the sidelines & they were so cute, i could have cried... The second 5k there were a lot less runners & i felt like i kept up my pace pretty good - even though it felt like so many people passed me. When i got in sight of the finish line, i saw my littles again & people waving me across the finish line & it was all so distracting, i forgot to look at my watch - but i knew i had beat my goal of 55 minutes & i was pretty happy with that.
When i got home, & checked my time online, i found out that i came in second out of 27 for my age division & i thought that was pretty amazing for my very first race. 11/95 for women & 46/191 overall.
So, my very first PR for a 10k is 53:07.
i may be looking for a new one someday soon.

i am a runner

i can't even type those words without a sheepish grin on my face.
i reserve the term "runner" for people like my father in law, who have run for years, 5 days a week, or like Karen who just ran her second half marathon, or Melissa who is getting certified as a personal trainer, or the girl who sold me my runners after analysing my gait (who i was too ashamed to run in front of...) not *me*, the poser with the nice shoes.
As i slipped off my runners this morning after our homeschool gym class at the park, i wondered, "Why not? Why can't i be a runner?"
"Because," i laughed at myself, "You're not. You're not a dancer either, or a poet, or a soccer player. You can't just say you are something & then choose to be it... There are rites of passage to go through, or it's a birthright, a childhood strength, a probation period before you can be called a runner. And you have none of these qualifications... you are a mother and a wife. You're not a runner."
But my heart betrays me... Running is like a fresh new friendship to me - full of first conversations, questions, getting to know you's... It's like when you meet someone for the first time & you really hit it off... you wonder if it'll blossom into a friendship - or not.
i don't need an ipod if i run... my conversations go like this, 'go legs... o, wow, i can feel all my muscles working... go lungs - you gettin' enough air? C'mon heart - let's keep it together - little faster till we're around that bend, then i'll slow it down a touch...'
i've never been too great at fresh new friendships. It's kinda like gardening for me... i get so excited to see the green shoots start to come up - but then i lose interest - get caught up in other things - forget to care for my little growing things... & my yield is weak.
But for now, in this season - as i lace up my runners & learn to call myself by another name,
i am a runner.