Friday, February 27, 2009


Poor little schmoo. She's being a real trooper though & only complaining that i'm making her sit still too long while i clean it. Crazy.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

weighed in the balance & found....

Mollen got a huge blistering infection where a hang nail went wrong. She had told me it hurt one night awhile ago & i had taken the nail clippers to it & even when she said, "it still hurts!!" i said, "it's good enough!" (thinking this was just a getting out of going to bed tactic... - she's really awesome at those..)
Anyway, today my dad was snuggling her (my mom & dad are here for a visit! Yippee!) & he bumped her toe & she almost shouted, "OUCH!! That's my owie toe!!" i thought that was quite a reaction for a little person who is usually as tough as nails, so i called her over. There was a huge white lump on it rimmed with red. i felt horrible. i went upstairs to get some hydrogen peroxide to clean the wound & as we walked back downstairs, Mollen informed me:
"i guess you're a bad mom after all..."
Yeh... weighed in the balance & found wanting.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Giving up for Lent...

Lent seems to be more of a Catholic observance.

It's not something that has been a huge part in my upbringing in church - & yet it's something that, as one pastor put it, serves as a sort of tenderizer for our hearts in the days leading up to remembering the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus.

i love the idea of preparing our hearts by having a daily reminder for 40 days, of the sacrifice of Jesus. i've never quite known how to incorporate that into our lives - with little ones...

Earlier this year, Cai & i were in a bookstore & she found a little book about Lent - with daily scripture readings. She asked me what Lent was & when i explained it to her, she decided she wanted to observe it - & bought that little book with her own money.

Now that Lent is finally here - of course - the little book is missing. So, we've been scrounging in our hearts and brains for an appropriate way to observe it.

A friend suggested to me a "Lent Jar". She said that when she was little, they would fill the lent jar with little papers, each with a written daily sacrifice. Over the course of Lent, they would pick one for each day. Cai loved the idea - so we set to work getting one ready.

Some of the scraps of paper read: No tv, no computer, 5 minute tidy, play a game with a little one, make a card for someone who needs one, no sweets, "silent supper", copy work from scripture... etc...

i'm hoping that these daily reminders will open up opportunities for conversation about Jesus - who loves each one of us so much - & that as we enter the time of year when we remember all that God has done for us - Passover, Sacrifice, Resurrection... that our hearts will be soft enough to be drawn to Him.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Psalm 91

My little guy, has had night frights since he was very little. Sometimes it has been about a pancake, the cat in the hat, a sister, fighting 'bad guys'... Sometimes we have no idea what he's scared of & it's hard to wake him up or comfort him. One night, he was picking the shadows his window cast out of the air and eating them - eyes wide open - fast asleep.
It's become even more of a challenge since Gage started sleeping with him. Gage is an extremely light sleeper & i can imagine that it must be terrifying to hear all that thrashing, moaning and calling out in the night. When my mother in law was last here, i was talking to her about this problem & she told me to read Psalm 91 with Charter at night before he goes to bed. Now, bedtime at our house is *not* a strength. By bedtime, i'm bagged. If i could quit one little tiny part of motherhood, it would be bedtime (and cleaning bathrooms). i'd love to retire it to daddy. i lack patience at bedtime because (i'm selfish) i'm longing for a little time with Neil. An uninterrupted conversation... or a few moments of silence... snacks in bed... watching a tv show... i kept forgetting to add this Psalm to our night time routine of, "jammies, teeth, pee" - but last night i remembered...
i called Charter & Mollen (who has trouble sleeping without daddy) into my room, tucked the blankets around their little toes & pulled out my bible & we read this Psalm:

Psalm 91
1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you make the Most High your dwelling— even the LORD, who is my refuge-
10 then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

Then we prayed together - & i sent them to bed.
Gage woke at 3am 'cause he had a rumbly in his tumbly - but the other 2 slept through. Maybe it's a coincidence... & maybe it won't happen again tonight - but i have no doubt that putting God's word in their hearts and minds at bedtime can only bring good things.

Monday, February 23, 2009


On Saturday, we packed up the family & went to Wetaskiwin. My nephew had another wrestling tournament & we decided to go watch & cheer. When we went a couple of weeks ago, i was shocked to see girls wrestling... it's just not something i would have ever... EVER wanted to do in highschool... first, there's the outfits... ummm... not flattering... & then there's the fact that you grab another girl - with spit flying - & try to wrestle her to the ground...

Really? They sign up for this??
So, we were watching the wrestling & suddenly, we heard my other nephew pipe up from behind us... "Hey, look - a boy's gonna wrestle a girl - this is gonna be interesting."

(No, they didn't have boys wrestling girls... it was just one of those funny misunderstandings...)

This time Jess & co. couldn't make it so, this Saturday, it was just us & the Fehlers. We filed into a *packed* gymnasium - with our 13 children in tow. It was a little nutty - but i was so glad i got to go. Stephanie & i locked eyes & visited as quickly as we could. After Wyatt's matches were over, we went to McDonalds for ice cream - admired each others babies - laughed at our preteens & tried to squeeze as much into our brief encounter as we could.

As we drove away, i sighed, 'Thank you, Neil'. i love how he makes these things happen.
Then on Sunday night, Jess & her crew showed up at my house. Teeny Wes having already changed so much since the last time we saw him. They were spending the night on their way to a family get away at Radium. i made jess climb into bed with me where we could nurse babies, change bums & entertain whichever little ones wanted to visit with the mamas. i have no idea where Neil & Curt were.

i miss my sisters.
i love that they are such a sweet encouragement to me - but i wish we lived closer.

Friday, February 20, 2009


Went to practice at the church last night... Glen's always got something new (to me) up his sleeve & this week, it proved to be such a gift... As i learned this song - my whole being worshipped my God - who is Everything.

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping
God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

You are everything
You are everything
You are everything
You are everything
Jesus, everything
Jesus, everything
Jesus, everything
Jesus everything.

It reminded me that even in uncertainty - God is certainly working & the outcome will bring Him Glory.
i had a funny dream last night - as i went to bed with this song in my head...
i was singing to Him... this song...
& i wanted to lift my hands - with my palms raised - to show him that all i had - was for him - & all He wanted to give me - my hands were open to receive.
i went to take my hands out of my pockets & lift them in the air & all manner of little toys & nick nacks fell from my pockets & slipped between my fingers as i started to raise my hands... little balls, thimbles, pennies, paper clips...
& i realized that i had to put it all aside in order to give my full attention to the task at hand.
Funny little picture of what the inside of my head likely looks like to Him when i come before Him.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Thankful Thursday

i am so thankful for Neil.
i am thankful that he is coming home today.
i am thankful for his company,
his know-how,
his quirks,
his warm legs when i have cold feet,
his sense of humour that keeps me grounded,
his simplicity,
his height,
his strength,
his... *blush*... beauty,
his laugh,
his confidence,
his grey sideburns that remind me that we're in it for the long-haul,
his ability to begin projects,
his willingness to finish projects,
his memory,
his love for me.
Husbands are just the best thing. i know each of my sisters would have different (true) things to write about their men. Each guy has such different gifts that qualify him as the worlds greatest husband. i'm so grateful for mine.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

& then she said...

1. i was sitting at the computer reading emails, till Sloanie came up behind me & plopped a sweet giggling cherub on the ground & said, "Mom... Gagey reeks like a donkey in July."
i have no idea what a donkey in July smells like... but Sloanie assures me it's not good.
2. We were having a "Memory" tournament with our new set of cards. First up: Mollen, age 4 vs. Cairo, age 12. Cairo looks at Mollen with a smile & goes, "It's ON, Molls!" Mollen glances back cheekily & says, "BuhRING IT!"
3. After being told repeatedly at supper one night, "BUM TO CHAIR, SON... BUM TO CHAIR." Charter angrily retorted, "I'm just going to my room FOREVER!! I PICK IT!" Peyton looked up wryly & said, "you pick your bum?!"
4. Cai invited several little children to go sledding with her. As she gathered them at the top of the hill, she asked each one sweetly, "are you ready?" She got to her sister Mollen & asked, "Are you ready Mollen?" Mollen let out a howl & whooped, "I was BORN ready!!
5. Sloanie: i wonder what chocolate dipped in gravy would taste like?
Cairo (shocked): SLOAN!!
Sloan: What? i was just wondering...
Cairo: Yeah, the first step is wondering, the second step is TASTING!
Sloan: mhm. & the third step is horking it down.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


It seems when the anniversaries of my lost little ones come around, my body remembers even before my mind does... i feel teary & emotional ~ drained... & then i remember, 'it's september...' or 'it's february'..
i know everyone is different, but i think for many women, this sorrow ~ this grief ~ has been wired in somehow ~ & it's coming is as unavoidable as the falling of the leaves in autumn, or the blooming of the flowers in spring.
My husband has noticed this too & even though we treat those days like any other, he usually phones me & gives me those 2 words i need the most, "i remember". Sometimes it is healing balm to have someone remember with you...
It's a tender thing - a treasure that came about because of the love in your marriage & the grace of God... & then suddenly - feels - delayed in a way?
All these years that have passed have taken some of the agony of loss away & in it's place, i feel a gratitude for these little ones that God gave us - even for such a brief time - and a certainty that our Hope will be fulfilled.

Monday, February 16, 2009

i regret

i regret throwing away all my poetry that i wrote in highschool. It was in my journals (i had kept a journal since grade 3 & i had them all & i chucked them in a mighty purge when i got married...)

Anyway, i spent about a week re-reading all my journals before i threw them away. i don't really regret throwing them away - tho i don't think i realized at the time how quickly my own children would be in those years & how interesting it might be to see if i could get inside my own pre-teen/ teen head to better parent them?? Probably not, they're so different than i was...

Anyway - near the end (ages maybe 16-17?) there was a ton of poetry, drawings, etc... & i remember thinking (as a mature 20 year old) how 95% of it was drivel... but that there was the redeeming 5%... i wish i would have just pulled out those ones that seemed half decent. Just that little bit would be nice to have kept. i'm a little more merciful with my teen self now than i was at 20.

Friday, February 13, 2009


i remember as a little kid - we lived in Alberta & we would travel what seemed like YEARS to get out to BC to visit my mom's family & then the other direction for what seemed like YEARS to get to Saskatchewan to visit my dad's family. When i was really little, we had one of those station wagons where the back seat faces backwards. We didn't have to wear seat belts 'till we crossed the border into BC & we'd have our grubby feet all over the windows.
As little tiny girls, mom would buy us each one of those 'activity' books - & then later on, as we got bigger, she'd go to thrift stores & buy several of those Readers Digest condensed books & we'd pass 'em around 'till we'd read them all.
When we got bigger, we moved to BC, but it still felt like a long drive to get to Victoria where my mom's family was - & now, agonizingly long to get to Saskatchewan.
Yeh, i remember the squabbles & fights - & the long arm of the law coming into the backseat from the drivers seat - smacking whoever could be reached... & the dreaded threats of, "Do i have to pull over??!!" But, for the purposes of this post, i'm not gonna dwell there. :)
All those miles were covered with music. My mom taught us songs in 3 part harmony (there are 3 girls in my family) - teaching us first the melody & then choosing one of us to carry that, "& now, Jess, sing this with me..." & then, "k, paige, this is what i want you to sing..." "Steph, do you want to try this descant?"
Dad would add in a part too & the time passed a little quicker. When we were littler, she'd use rounds to teach us to hear parts, "one bottle of pop, two bottle of pop... Fish & chips & vinegar, vinegar, vinegar..." But i remember learning Christian Cowboy in the car... Other a cappella songs were A Mighty Fortress Is Our God, I Sing the Mighty Power of God, Fairest Lord Jesus, Songs in the Daytime, King Jesus is All... the list goes on & on...
But, eventually, we had had enough... (Did i mention how long of a drive it was??)
& Dad would break out the "tapes"... (Did i mention i was born in 1976? hehe)
Steve Green... Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir... Gaithers... Amy Grant... The Sloan Family Album - (just kidding, i don't ever remember listening to that on a trip, but maybe we did... ) i remember listening to some classical music one time & Jessie whispering in my ear to picture Sylvester chasing Tweety & it all coming alive in my mind & to my delight, fitting perfectly with the music.
But, my favourite was Keith Green.
Every time i'd hear his voice - it was full of passion. i remember one time, when i was in kindergarten, listening to Keith Green with my mom (my sisters were at school) - & my little heart just feeling like it ached...
i think that even as a little one - listening to this kind of music whetted my hunger & thirst for God.
So, today i broke out my CD of Keith Green - The Ministry Years. i'm hoping that my littles will be influenced the same way that i was when i was little. With parents constantly pointing to God... with consciences being gently reminded of Truth & with music that pulls their heartstrings a little closer to The One who loves them most.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Zits & babies

So, yesterday i was reading my own blog.
i often just go & skim over my most recent posts - 's kinda fun 'cause i'm such a scatterbrain, i forget within moments what i've posted.
i came across Gage's one year birthday post.
& all of a sudden i thought - Where's my little baby?
& i said that to the girls who were reading over my shoulder & they said, "WE'LL be your babies, mom!!"
yeh... with their little oily scalps & sweaty armpits...
i dunno - it's not quite the same...
It's still sweet - but somehow - just - different.
i am LOVING this new stage of motherhood. i know it's just begun (& i'm so achingly tired of people warning me about the teenage years & how horrible it's going to be & how my children will become rebellious, disrespectful lumps any day now...) - but so far, it has been hilariously awesome... When i tell people that, they just tell me 'well, wait till 15... wait till 17...' *impending doom & gloom*.
Bah humbug. i don't believe it.
My big girls are a joy to me. i love the unique people they are turning into. i love how when Neil used to joke - it went straight over their heads - but now suddenly they 'get' him.
Cai & i worked & worked on Pachelbel's Canon today - (& it sounded beautiful).
Sloanie thrilled Mollen by playing a game of memory with our new cards (thanks, jen :)
i think these awkward half child, half adult years will be full of fresh new experiences as parents.
& yeh...
They're still my babies.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


My favourite movie - i think... is
The Truman Show.
Y'know that one from the late '90's with Jim Carrey... The premise sucked me in when i first heard about it... The main Character -Truman (true man) was adopted by a corporation & he has lived his entire life in a bubble being filmed for public entertainment.
As the story unfolds, Truman gets restless... & suspicious... & eventually becomes desperate for reality...
(Reminds me a little bit of Prince Rillian in The Silver Chair by CS Lewis).
The creator of the Truman show, "Cristoff" uses fear, inconvenience, literal road blocks, lies & comfort to keep Truman from wanting to escape his make-shift world - but in the end, as Truman is trying to escape in a teeny sailboat & the creator has orchestrated a horrific storm - Truman yells out, 'You're gonna have to kill me...'
It makes me cry when i've watched it (i actually bought it this year for my biggies to watch...)
Truth is worth more than comfort... than freedom from pain... than convenience.
Truth is worth fighting for... worth struggling & searching for... worth dying for.
Each one of us is Truman. Some of us choose to live in blissful ignorance. Some of us get curious, but are quickly pacified when something far less satisfying than truth is given in it's place. Some of us fight for truth - but quickly give up when we begin to count the possible cost.
& then... some will fight to the bitter end... sacrificing everything... to get at what matters most.

Jesus said, 'I am the way, the TRUTH and the life.' (John 14:6)

It sounds so trite - but there is a battle going on for each & every one of us. Truth isn't cheap. We don't just keep bumbling along & find it - because there are forces at work to keep truth from us. Relationship with Jesus is our reward when we find Truth...
& it is so worth it.
One of my prayers (for myself and for my children) is that we be caught when we sin. Sin loves the cover of shame & deceit. When the truth comes out & the sin is shown for what it is, repented of & forgiven - there are no longer any ties from that sin that can hold us back.

So, i have to continue to fight to let Truth prevail in my life. Fight the temptation to pretend to be something i'm not... fight the temptation to live in ignorance... & fight the poisonous lies & half truths that would keep me from relationship with God.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


Ever feel stuck?
Kinda distracted...
i've been feeling like that lately. Meals have been pretty lame at our house... Homeschooling is happening around me & when the kids ask me something - i find my answer more often than not is... "what did you say?"
i know it's a temporary state -
& in the past, i've found that in these waiting times - God has had something precious to show me.
So, i'm not panicking.
Music seems to me to be like a bridge sometimes.
When i feel stuck in the mud & the mire
- When i need Jesus to set my feet on a Rock & give me a firm place to stand.
Today, that song for me is This Is Our God. (Hillsong)
i am so grateful today for a Father who reaches down into my contemplative state & focuses my eyes yet again on *Himself* - the Author - the Finisher.
This is My God.
A faithful friend - who minds the fall of the tiny sparrow & who cares even more so for me.
This is My God.
The Giver of all good things & my Sustainer....
This is My God.
The One who lives in me... & gives me life...
This is My God.
So, i will take this time of distractedness & focus on the One who brings peace.
All else takes it's place as 'secondary'.
So, yeh... i'm stuck. & it's ok.
God has been Good to me.
i'll be moving right along as He leads.

Monday, February 9, 2009

a snapshot of 9:51

Neil is in his office. "Working" - he says that work doesn't feel like work 'cause he likes it so much. That's pretty cool.
me... we did history, bible, music this morning & then i spent a bunch of time sifting through music. - & now i'm at my computer with a snotty boy on my lap...
Cairo has been practicing her fiddle since we finished our morning school. Right now she's playing _Growlin' Old Man and Old Woman_.
Sloanie is reading her bible. Since Cai finished hers last year, Sloan has made that her goal for this year.
Peyton and Charter are doing Science Made Easy. Pretty soon i need to go & work one on one with them to get their schooly-school finished.
Mollen has put some new 'stuff' in her treasure box. She asks me, 'do i want to see?' It has tiny fake dollar bills in it, a mini helmet from the Super Bowl party Neil went to, 3 mini plastic butterflies, 2 cardboard cutout dresses, & a bunny wearing a dress that says, "Cairo" on it. She carefully replaces the lid & taps on it... obviously waiting for me to finish on the computer...
The teeny snotty boy on my lap is now playing peek-a-boo with Mollen who is popping up behind my back. Typing is becoming more & more of a challenge.
These are the moments that make up these sweet days...

Sunday, February 8, 2009

My heart on my sleeve

i hate putting myself out there.
i'm not much of a self promoter...
i think that's the reason behind one of my biggest regrets about getting pregnant before i was married... because then i had already put my love on display & there was always this niggling feeling wondering what it would have felt like to have Neil propose without wondering if he felt like he *had* to.
i think Neil was pretty tender to that - & he did an awesome job proposing :) & defending his love for me - especially in those first months when everyone was so shocked & people say silly things. i had told him (because we had no money) that i didn't need a ring - that his proposal was enough... but he scrounged up every penny he could & bought me my ring because he wanted me to *know* that i wasn't pushing him into anything...
... i still felt that way.
Anyway... i was just thinking lately about how much i dislike that feeling - of wearing my heart on my sleeve...
Not with Neil anymore 'cause, hey, we've been married for a long time now & everyone knows what a mad fool, in love, crazy, head over heels woman i am.

But with other things.... at other times...

that feeling...

is... uncomfortable.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

How we do it - family worship

Yesterday i touched on what is one of my favourite times of the day...
i know i talked a bit about it in 'the Mollen years' too -
It's something that just sort of morphed into what it is right now over the years.
i've had a ton of people say, 'i'd love to sit in your house for a morning & just see what it's like...'
(By the way, no, you wouldn't - it's a little like a nut house sometimes & we have lots of attitude, volume & tears - )
But we also have times to sing songs & Praise God. In recent months, i've been organizing my music a little better than i have at other times in my life. Usually, it has been sprawled in complete disarray over my beautiful piano... folders of worship music, mixed with Violin, Royal Conservatory & fiddle music - stuff i'm writing - or music that has moved me recently & i've gone online & found it - or i've been transcribing.
Lately i've been taming the chaos a little & i'm loving it. i love being able to find what i'm looking for when i'm looking for it.
So, in the midst of organizing all my music, i made a little folder for our family worship. It doesn't have all the music we've done over the years... but i'm just starting now & i'm building on it as things come up.

So, back to our morning... when we're done at the kitchen table (we do history & bible right after breakfast at the table) - we move over to the living room. Right now i use my piano - i also like to shock the littles & use the ukulele or the accordion (only when Neil's not home HAHA!! i'm horrible, but it's fun to make noises on different instruments... )
It's different every time we do it. Sometimes (most times) it's a lot of jumping & dancing & singing at the top of our lungs... Sometimes it's a little more reflective. There are times where i get them to line up in a row & i accompany them with music while they quote scripture they've memorized... (i love this... i know it's powerful for them too...) There are also times where we don't have any accompaniment & we sing at the table - or i'll make them sing a verse 2 at a time - duets make them a little less shy & i love hearing their little voices individually. i try to do as many "rounds" as i can so that they'll start to hear harmony parts. Usually i'll get Mollen to sing a solo & have the others sit & listen.
i thought i'd share my little list - it's not the be all end all, but maybe it'll have something useful for someone.

Our God is an Awesome God
Joshua Fit the Battle of Jericho - (i made them all watch Mahalia Jackson sing this one on Youtube to learn it - that was a fun day...)
Shalom Chaverim (thanks, LD!)
Jehovah Jireh
I Will Sing Unto The Lord
12 Men Went To Spy On Canaan
Love the Lord Your God
The Lord is my Shepherd
Rejoice in the Lord Always
Peter & John went to Pray - (we have a tradition of acting this one out while we're singing it... hehe... )
Dona Nobis Pacem -(latin for 'give us peace' - fitting for our house... *sigh*)
The Happy Song

Molls usually throws in a rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow... i know... it doesn't fit in the category of worship music... but it fits in our little service just right...
i hope that one day i get it together enough that my littles are playing instruments too (we've had times like that too - when we've had stuff worked up well enough...) but for now, i refuse to have perfectionism hold us back.

Our stumbling, bumbling little offerings *will* be brought - & my hope is that our family's worship time serves to honour God & bring Him glory. i want my littles to grow up feeling comfortable with Him - in His presence... Safe to call on Him... not hindered by what looks normal to those around them... but free to respond to Him as He calls.

Sometimes in the silence after a song- i can still faintly hear the ringing of the strings in my piano - i close my eyes & in the hush - i know that God has met with us.

What a Good God we serve - who loves the little children & who hears us & has compassion on us & is willing to meet us where we are.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Jesus is Everything.

Lately when i've been thinking music - i've been thinking Jesus' name.
i've found my prayers end at the first word... "Jesus..."
He knows my heart & i know that what i can't put into words, the Holy Spirit will fill in for me.
This morning, during our worship time, we did our usual kids songs - (i'd love to do a 'this is how we do it' post on that... it's fast becoming my favourite part of homeschool...) & then i taught them one i remembered from highschool...
i don't know who wrote it - but it spoke to me back then & i remembered it years later & tried to write it down as best as i could. (If anyone knows this song lemme know where it came from & if i'm doing it wrong :)

i am yours
You are mine
i am the cup,
pour out your wine
i am a candle, Lord,
You make me shine
i am yours
You are mine.

We sang it through a couple of times & then i stopped & asked them - of what use would a candle or a cup be if there were no flame to light the candle, or liquid to fill the cup?
& it washed over me again.
Jesus is everything.

o how i love Jesus
o how i love Jesus
o how i love Jesus
because He first loved me.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

a dream

i'm a dreamer.

i've always dreamed a lot. i still have 2 dreams from very early childhood that i remember in vivid detail.

i think sometimes God has given me dreams...

i know... sounds hokey...

Two nights ago, i prayed for a dream.

i don't usually do that - they just come -

but that night, i wanted to dream...

& i had one - & so i flicked on my lamp & wrote it down (i don't normally do that either, but since i had asked for a dream, i thought i'd better at least write it down lest morning come & like so often happens, the dream was gone...)

As i was drifting off again, i told God, "That wasn't exactly what i was looking for - y'know, i was looking for a clearer cut picture, something definite... something tangible... something i understand..."

So, this was the dream.

i was swimming around at the bottom of the ocean - kinda like a mermaid. i was all alone & it was pretty dim & dark - i wasn't sad though... just swimming around - normal.

Up ahead i saw a *giant* funnel. i knew that there would be air in the funnel. i swam over to the funnel & breathed for awhile before swimming off into the dim ocean again.

's it.

i don't get it either.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Into Your Arms

Into Your Arms

On a warm July day – i was born, i was laid
into their arms…
i was held – i was loved, i was someone they’d dreamed of –
into their arms…
Two weeks later, she was born –
No one to love her – she was all alone –
In nobody’s arms – She was in nobody’s arms.

& i know you’ve got a plan
& i know you’d never let us slip through your hands
& i know the waters part at your command
i wanna be - i wanna be....
in your arms.

i was led straight to you – there was nothing else to do
straight into your arms
& i couldn’t help but know – that you’d never let me go –
into your arms...
How could she trust you? Would you let her down?
When she fell would you leave her layin' on the ground – or take her
into your arms? Please, into your arms...

vs 3 (bridge, whatever ;)
You kept whispering tender songs
‘till she knew that she was where she belonged –
in your arms...
She’s in your arms

Sunday, February 1, 2009


k, i seriously have NO time to blog right now. i have to take Cairo to her fiddling jam & we need to leave in 20 minutes & my kitchen looks like a hurricane hit it & i *can not* bear to leave it like that - but i'm going to steal 5 minutes & blog anyway 'cause it makes me feel better.
i had an embarrassing incident today... & i got home & like i do - i talked to myself.
i was in the kitchen making lunch (yummy organic potatoes & a nice salad with the organic veggies since Neil is gone, we can go veg.) ANYWAY.... i just kind of moaned out loud, 'i'm so embarrassed...' & Cai was right there & i said to her, 'Don't you hate it when something embarrassing happens & it keeps washing over you??' (she's a girl, so i knew she'd understand...) & to my surprise, she goes, "YES - i had something just like that recently!!". So i asked her what embarrassing thing had happened to her & she told me.
"Weeelll, it didn't really happen, but it almost happened & i'm still embarrassed about it."
"We were in Sunday school & Miss. Janet asked us if anyone knew what the word tithe meant & i thought she said tie. Me & Emma both put up our hands & Miss. Janet asked Emma- & when she said, 'it's the money we give to the church', i figured out what happened, & then i couldn't stop thinking about how embarrassing that would have been if she called on me first!"
It is a funny thought... & it made me feel better today.
i can't believe this took 6 minutes... & i just realized i have to leave early because i have to pick up cookies at Sobeys... (i know... bad mom :)


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