Monday, May 31, 2010

not done yet...

i find that there is such a rush to be done...
to be done a pregnancy,
to be done breastfeeding,
to be done our "at home" days -
begin daycare & preschool,
to be done our childbearing years...
& i guess...
sometimes i do feel the pink creep into my cheeks when my two year old son wants mama's milk when he's sad... but my 30's thus far have been good to me... they've taught me that different doesn't always mean wrong... they've taught me to be gentle with myself, and with my little ones... they've taught me that the rush to be done - is an overrated thing.
i want to be more like Jesus - faithfully mothering my little brood - whether my adored one is home... or away. Not whiling away these precious days wishing his his work was done - & he could be home with us.
i want to cry, "Yes" when my Father offers or asks...
i want to keep my eyes firmly fixed on Him... rather than an imaginary finish line to freedom.
so...
Let the babies bake as long as they need,
Let my milk last a little longer,
Let my little ones' days unfold at home,
& let these blessed days stretch out luxuriously before me...

i'm so grateful that they're not done yet.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

whose turn

i was teasing Cairo in the kitchen. She was laughing and i was using a goofy voice & grabbing her shoulders... Sloanie was standing beside us & she was holding Ephraim & he was facing me. Out of the corner of my eye, i noticed him smiling his face off... & when i turned to him, he kicked and squealed, almost like, "is it my turn now mama? i knew you were gonna play with me too - is it my turn?"
Ephraim - you make me laugh with your constant good nature. Your sweet, gentle personality. Your vocal presence.
i don't think you'll ever miss a turn, little friend.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

my tummy's rumbling

i get hungry for him when he's gone.
Sometimes i'll pull out one of his T-shirts to sleep in, or wander around in his socks at night.
i let the tiny ones invade our bed - & often stay up too late.
We eat food with onions, tomatoes or mushrooms in it -
& sometimes we'll have cereal for supper. (Last night it was pita salads with avocado, lettuce, cucumbers, cheese & peppers...)
He knows he'll have to recite what he had for every meal out on the phone to me 'cause i love food. Me: "mhmm? & what for appies? & did you have any dessert? What did you drink?" i'm such a nerd.
i like it when i do a load of laundry when he's on the road - & his things are in it.
He reminds me to put out the garbage.
i email him when he fogets to call to say g'night.
He'll almost always call when he's leaving to come home.
& i'll pull out the vacuum.
If he's coming home at night - the house will be as clean as i can get it...
& i will be propping my eyelids open upstairs, counting the minutes down...
obsessively checking email for progress reports.
& y'know...
it's not so bad.
in all our 14 years - i have never gotten enough of the man.
His travel schedule just keeps me wanting more -
keeps me grateful -
keeps me thanking God for the nicest present he ever gave me.

Friday, May 28, 2010

sweet summer,

We're tired of begging and pleading.
You gave us a few sunshiney smiles & teasers... but for the most part, you lack the ability to commit.
We're just gonna chill with Spring (or maybe even Winter) a little while longer...


love,
the beselt posse

Thursday, May 27, 2010

waterbabies

Neil & i have always loved to take our littles swimming. i'm not a great swimmer - but i love to swim & i love the water. Neil does too. Each new little person to arrive has been introduced to the water pretty early on & each one, with the exception of Gagey - (who took a little while to warm up to the idea) - loved it.
Ephraim had to wait a little longer to get swimming. With my cast & broken knee following so hot on the heels of his birth, he has only recently begun swimming with us.
He loves it.
On Saturday, the other littles were pouring buckets of water over his head & he would blink & grin. & then i held him out away from me and he would kick his tiny chubby legs happily. Finally, he got a little cold so i took him to the hot tub to warm up & he promptly fell asleep (second week in a row).
i love how my view of my thighs is constantly blocked by my 3 month old wonder baby.
Thank you, Yum.
A lady came up to me as i was smooching his little sleeping self & asked, "How old is your baby?"
"Three months..." i was staring intently at him, but i tried to tear my eyes away so that i wouldn't be rude, avoiding eye contact with this friendly stranger.
"Well, enjoy him... mine are 10 and 13. It goes really fast."
i smiled at her.
"It sure does."

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Bonus Boys

neil sent me an email with all of the dates he'll be gone that he knows of for sure in the next couple of months.
Lately, it seems (sleep deprivation?) everytime he pulls out his suitcase i'm shocked & dismayed as i have forgotten what's coming when - so he decided to give me a heads up. Four trips that he knows of in the month of June alone...
Before he leaves, he'll often do a grocery run with me, or just for me. He'll fill up the gas tank & make sure i've got everything i need.
i don't mind that he travels. i know that it's part of the job he's doing - & that he works hard so that i can be home with our little crew...
Today... as we talked about his next trip - i snuggled ephraim.
i told neil how much these little people fill my heart & life when he's gone.
i told him how much i love their company.
i told him how very grateful i am -
for our little bonus boys.
He smiled at me.
"i was right." i said smugly, kissing yum's soft downy head...
"i was smart." he responded.
He likes us.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

single income lotsa kids - how we do it

It's not always easy.
Neil doesn't make a billion dollars a year...
We have moved to make it work, lived on less, eaten in more, vacationed at grandparent's houses. Our littles wear pass me downs & share bedrooms.
Neil has worked hard - i've done my part too...
But he has never...
ever...
made life about money.
He's as generous as they come -
stinginess is not in his vocabulary -
If some one's buying - it hurts his feelings if it's not him.
i love that about him.
i used to sweat the small stuff -
worrying if we could afford his generosity -
till one day it dawned on me...
Would i want to change that part of him?
Would i want two of *me* in our family?
Or possibly... could there be room for two of *him*?
i asked him if he could please take over finances and paying bills - & when he did - i felt a huge release... He was trustworthy, easy-going, conscientious... and smart.
i knew that he was going to take care of us... & so i quit second guessing him.
We had decided when we first got married that we both felt that there was value in having a mama be at home with the little people - & we agreed that we would do everything we could to keep me at home. (At least until they were all in school... haha).
We ended up having to make quite a few sacrifices to make it happen...
but we wouldn't change a thing.
Over the years, i made a few dollars - playing or singing for events, teaching piano for a short season... but there has never been a perfect opportunity for me to contribute in any real financial way to our household without sacrificing too much of what we're doing around here.
& i'm ok with that.
For now, i'll pour into this little crew -
not counting the cost...
Generously giving them beyond what i think i'm able...
taking my cues from my adored one -
& taking stinginess out of my vocabulary.
Life isn't about the money -
& gratitude is born out of that knowledge.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Sunday, May 23, 2010

racquetball

i have this memory from way back when Neil & i were dating...
We were at church one day and as an older man passed Neil he said, "Hey, Neil - are we on for racquetball this week?"
"For sure!" Neil smiled.
Really?
i looked at Neil & at the older man walking away & said to Neil, "You play racquetball with that guy?"
Neil smiled at me & said, "Nope. Never have - but he says that to me every single week."
Neil phoned me one day shortly after the world found out that as unmarried teenagers, we were expecting our first baby... He was laughing, "Hey, Paige, that guy finally called to get together..."
Like at this point - with no relationship - Neil was going to pour out his heart to him.
Over the years i have thought about that lack of relationship a lot.
Neil is a follow through person - i think i could have the tendency to be a lot more like the other guy. My actions falling far short of my intentions. i know it's impossible to be everything to everyone... But the memory of Neil's confidence in the fact that he would never be called for an actual game of racquetball made me pick up the phone when i wanted to push people away - it made me sneak into my girls' rooms to ask them what it was they had been trying to tell me before when i was too busy to hear it - it made me dig deeper into relationships when i felt like just letting them go.
In my most important relationships - i want to be the wife that follows through - the momma that remembers to ask how it went, the sister, daughter, auntie, friend & acquaintance that did what they said they would.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Ephraim

His feet are still so tiny - wee splintering toenails tucked onto the end of toes that perfectly match his the rest of his frame that is just starting to show traces of the chubs to come.
i tucked him into his sling yesterday & he stretched out his dimply legs - refusing to snuggle into me - keeping his little body completely rigid.

He seemed pleased with himself.

A hint of smugness on his glory-filled smiley face.
stretching his head back so that he could look up at me, as if to say - see, mama? i'm lookin' at you...

Oh, i see you, tiny son -
small precious gift -
unexpected bonus -
i see *in you* the lavish love of my Father -
who sent you to this house,
this family,
this mama.
You will always nudge me closer to Him -
bind me closer to your daddy -
soften me towards your siblings.
Soft littlest boy -
i am eternally grateful to you for discovering the parts of my heart -
that never would have been opened -
& learned to blossom & bear fruit -
had you not come.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

what happened

Honestly - i wasn't trying to be a tease!
But since i inadvertently left everyone hanging - i'll spill...
Like i said before, Sloanie is doing her grade 6 provincial achievement tests this year. For simplicity, we decided to go have her write them at the community center in Okotoks. i packed a picnic lunch for us & we all drove out together.
It was Sloanie's second exam - she had already written a math one on Tuesday - & then she needed to write her writing exam on the Thursday. i left all the other littles with Cairo while i took Sloanie in to get settled & then we were going to go to the park behind the rec. complex. When we arrived, all the parents and children were standing in the hallway. Usually, the children just file into the gym & find their exam & get settled right away - but they must've been running behind. Finally, they began calling children in by name - which felt a little nerve wracking - why not just let everyone in & have them find their seats? i was standing with Sloanie waiting for her to get called, as the parents have the right to be there & to look over the exam before their child takes it.
Finally, the vice principal called in the 6th and 9th graders together, but he didn't let them sit down. He had them all stand in a group off to the side. It was mostly 9th graders - who were bigger than me & i didn't see anyone Sloanie's age. i stuck by her side & we walked in & i tried whispering little funnies to her to keep her relaxed. Then the vp turned to me & asked pointedly, "Who are you?" i put my hand on Sloan's shoulder & said, "We're here for the grade 6 writing exam."
"I'm gonna have to ask you to leave." he remarked (kinda rudely too, i thought).
"Right now?" i was flustered, 'cause i felt bullied - & yet i knew parents have the right to review the test prior to the child taking it.
"Yes. Right now. You're going to have to leave."
Now, in retrospect, i should have told him that i had the right to be there & that he was making me uncomfortable and embarrassed - but i didn't. i just left. & Sloanie later told me it made her scared too... to be left there with a herd of grade 9's right before what will be her toughest exam this year.
i did complain later - but it ate at me that whole day... wondering how i could have handled it without throwing Sloanie off...
'till i talked to my sister.
& she made me feel better.
Even the teacher who i complained to was kind & understanding, stating that he, of all people should have known better.
& yes. He should have.

Monday, May 17, 2010

fyi

If you're a little ticked about something...
Don't phone your husband for company - he will more than likely grunt some unintelligible response about, "whatever you say..."
If you're teary & upset - you phone a girlfriend.
Better yet, a sister...
& they will get irate on your behalf...
"They did WHAT?? I would be FURIOUS!!! i AM furious!! Let's round up a posse with torches and pitchforks!!"
You don't even have to utter the words burning in your indignant little soul, "It's go time..." (as mollen would say.) Because just by validating your feelings - your soul sister has taken away the worst of it. & the most pressing issue on your mind now is whether or not your 5' tall 6 months pregnant sister is gonna show up at someones house & give them a good ol' fashioned bum kicking.
Gives me the courage to think smugly to myself...
"Mess with me, mess with my sisters... "
& trust me, nobody wants to do that...
i know, i know - the pastor even referenced that verse yesterday, "in your anger, do not sin..." & i know this isn't a very kindly post :) but you gotta love that we're in the thick of our 30's & i still know who's got my back...
& so mr. rude, i forgive you for your, "i'm gonna have to ask you to leave..."
This time...
If it happens again, i'm bringin' my sisters.
Just sayin'.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

knee update - the boring stuff

How's that for a blog title?
People ask all the time tho, so i thought i'd just jot down where i'm at at this point.
i can walk - even walk fairly briskly - without a limp.
i can walk slowly up stairs - with a hand rail.
i can only walk peg leg down the stairs, not bending my bad one.
i don't have my full range of motion - & they're not sure i'll ever get it all back.
i'm diligently doing exactly as i'm told & hoping that it pays off in the end.
My knees look a lot more alike than they did even a week ago - so things are obviously still improving.
After several vague responses, i asked again when i'll be able to run & the physiotherapist answered, "At some point well beyond 12 weeks..."
We're at 8.5 right now - so there's a ways to go.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

natural hat trick

So, two days ago - Neil invited company for supper, & offered to cook himeself. He bbq'd steaks & asparagus & the whole 9 yards... i sliced a loaf of french bread & that's about all i did. Sloanie even made the salad.
One night ago, Neil invited his cousins for supper & ordered in chinese food.
Tonight we are invited for a birthday supper...
Ladies - i have a natural hat trick.
i can hear you all in the your boxes banging your sticks against the boards...
Tomorrow i'll be back to cookin' as usual - but for today i'll glory in a game well played.

Friday, May 14, 2010

foto friday

Our new family member "Marvey" trying on Cai's swimsuit.
you wouldn't know it looking at this picture, but he has the biggest crush on me. It's almost embarrassing...

Deliciously sweet. Yum.

These sunglasses the girls picked out make me giggle. i love this age.

Softie.

Karate begins. This photoshoot almost escalated into an all out battle to the death on our front lawn. Thank goodness they're only 2 classes in...

"i'm gonna need a martial art if i'm gonna be a cop... "

She already almost bashed out her brand new front teeth. Eeek - motherhood is making me a nervous wreck.

The way Neil's playing this year - this dude is soon gonna be competition :) hehe. Don't tell him you read that here...

*sigh* i need to go find a sunbeam to sleep in. i love this baby.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

happy birthday...

It's my big sister's "for real" birthday tomorrow...
But, this morning i whispered 'happy birthday' to tiny fresh yum, all cozy and still sleeping in his cradle.
"It's his birthday??!!" Mollen whispered loudly from the closet where she was in her pink undies wrestling with her shorts, trying to get dressed...
"Well, it's his 3 month-a-birthday today..."
He's so lovely...
"No, mama - today, he's one. He really is." Cairo corrected me.
& he is one. One year of blissfully growing at an astonishing rate.
One year of the rest of us falling in love - feeling him move inside and now outside too...
One year of changing, heart beating, getting stronger and stronger.
One year that 9 months into - he changed his dwelling from inside...
to out.
One year.
One year of life.
Happy birthday, starry eyed, delicious one....

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

hero cat

Mollen kept talking about this book they had read at school.
She tried to tell me about it, but we kept being interrupted & she couldn't remember exactly how the story went.
She claimed it was a true story about a cat & i thought she had that mixed up...
Finally, she took the book out of the library so that she could show me the story. She followed me around yesterday, trying to get me to read it all day - but the day slipped away from us & when she brought it to me this morning, i poured myself a cup of coffee & sat down on the couch with Mollen & Gagey & cracked open the hard cover.
It's a very short, simply worded story called, _Hero Cat_ by Eileen Spinelli.
& it *is* based on a true story.
A homeless mother cat births her 5 kittens in an abandoned building. When a fire breaks out, she has to rescue them one by one, and by the time she carries out the fifth kitten, her fur was burnt and her paws injured and she was barely breathing.
At the end of the book, they have an actual picture of the mother cat with her rescued kittens.
Made me cry.
i'm not a softie towards animals - but that little mama cat's act of selfless heroism touched me this morning.
God, make us a generation of mothers who are willing to get singed paws, rescuing our little ones from danger. Make us a generation of mothers who are familiar with sacrifice, protectiveness and heroic acts of love.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

homeschoolishness

i could tell Sloanie was nervous.
She inhaled deeply & there was just the slightest quaver...
She clutched her sharpened pencils in her fist & climbed into the van.
Sloanie's in grade 6 this year, so she's writing the provincial exams for math & language arts.
Cairo, sensing Sloan's discomfort gave her the front seat & started the littles singing all the rounds that they knew as i pulled my big 12 passenger van out of McKenzie Towne.
In a moment of silence after they had exhausted much of their repertoire including: Hallelu, hallelu, If You Love Jesus, The Lord Is My Shepherd, I Will Sing Unto the Lord, Jehovah Jireh and Rejoice in the Lord Always, Cai chirped, "What should we sing next?"
A teeny voice from the middle row began, "i... like... big.... buttsandicannotlie..."
Yeh, if i ever get delusions of perfection,
My trusty little sidekick is there to give me a healthy dose of reality.
Keep singin' molls.

Monday, May 10, 2010

will you...

ever know how much -
i would love to look back on these days -
& with a contented sigh -
murmer to your dad,
"i wouldn't change a thing.
Darling, there's not a moment i second guessed myself -
in this magnificent journey of motherhood...
Our children have arisen & called me blessed -
& each problem ironed itself out in the end...
didn't it?"
Instead, i feel myself creeping along, blind.
Sustained by my own gratitude -
and by the trustworthiness of the Gift Giver...
Trusting you to my Father's care as i look for His hand to guide us - & as i do my best to obey.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

physio...

Funny - my knee bent just fine a couple of months ago.
Now to relearn that nifty trick.
Actually, the physiotherapist has told me that i'm doing really, really well considering the freshness of my injury.
i find i get ants in my pants though... i'm ready to go bounding up the stairs, 3 at a time, rather than gingerly letting my left one do all the climbing while i make sure not to land on my right one too heavily.
i'm learning to be patient....
& that's a valuable virtue to get strengthened.
Bring it on, Father -
bring on the teaching -
the spiritual physio that will take my weakest areas & strengthen them... so that i'm able to walk without a glaring limp...
Let my weakness point to Your strength.

Friday, May 7, 2010

awkward

Neil was like a barefoot ninja.
His 200 pound body flying across the room, landing on our 2 oldest daughters and pinning them to the ground as they screamed and squealed.
He was laughing while he pulled Sloanie's leg up over her head & turning to me he asked, grinning, "At what age does this become awkward?"
A muffled voice answered, "About 3 seconds ago, Dad... about 3 seconds ago."

Thursday, May 6, 2010

misery loves company

Neil took me on a date for our anniversary.
Maybe it was the blowing snow & wind that took my breath away,
but i was a little bit grouchy.
"i'm cold." i started with in the restaurant...
The west coast pockets he ordered for an appetizer weren't my favourite...
My food was... average.
After supper, he wanted to buy me a stand mixer for a present, so we went to the store that was advertising them for a sale price... & after waiting forever, my knee seeming to expand by the minute, we were told, "Oh, we don't carry those..."
"Really? 'Cause there's a sign just over there with a picture of the exact one we're looking for..."
"Yeah, i know - maybe you can order it online?"
By now i was limping pretty good... & annoyed with stores, weather and whatever else caught my eye.
Neil seemed amused.
i clung to his hand, & through gritted teeth moaned, "i wish i could just stinking walk normally. i hate that poncho." i pointed to some innocent woman walking across the parking lot.
"i thought you liked ponchos."
"Yeah, well, i hate that one. It makes me grumpy to look at it."
Neil laughed out loud. & i started smiling at my own ridiculousness.
"Neil? What don't you like?"
"Personalized licence plates, the phrase "git 'er done", onions, Value Village and the word 'perm'."
i burst out laughing.
"There are a million things i don't like..." He smiled at me.
14 years.
He didn't care that i had a little attitude on our anniversary.
"But, i like you."
& apparently, even in a snow storm in May, we both like ice cream - so we stopped at the drive thru on the way home & picked up some blizzards to share with the littles when we got home.
Misery loves company, but when she gets it...
It usually cheers her up a little...

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

since you asked...

Not my favourite picture of myself :)
But, i like how he held me.
i didn't have a picture on my computer, so i just took a picture of the one that's on our bedroom wall. The photographer made us stand on a hill so that we'd be closer in height. Even with my tall shoes, i couldn't make up the foot difference between us. In between pictures, Neil wrapped me in his jacket - & honestly, i just couldn't wait for the pictures to be over, the day to be done & the rest of our lives to begin...



Tuesday, May 4, 2010

may 4th 1996

i had eggs on toast for breakfast... i was ravenous.
i didn't like my hair - but i loved the flower wreath with real flowers that my mom bought me to put in it, with ivy & dainty orange blossoms.
It was cold, but not snowing like it is right now as i write this...14 years later.
He was already brown from working outside. Handsome with his broad shoulders and fresh haircut... hazel eyes seeking mine out from the moment i took my first step down the aisle.
We hadn't even been in the same city for a week - with me just home from school...
His confident swagger put me at ease that we weren't as crazy as some would have us believe.
i felt like when he was in the room,
i was home.
i found out on May 4th - that i could just let go of the wedding...
'cause i was in it for the marriage.

Monday, May 3, 2010

perspectives pt. 2

k, paige - time to take stock and see where you're at.
i was biting my nails - it has been a tough few months - hard to keep your chin up when you're limping and dribbling milk...
But i'm a pretty tough honest girl, so take stock i did.
& when i lifted my eyes to the little ones surrounding me -
What a pleasant surprise awaited me...
Cairo had finished her curriculum for the year & was on chapter 7 of a children's novel she's writing...
When i downloaded reading lists for grades 8 & 9 to get ideas, i realized that Sloanie had already read several of them - even though she's only in grade 6.
Peyton only had 8 math lessons left for the year - & has learned to do her lessons independently. She's also reading fluently at grade level - and reading for pleasure constantly, just like her big sisters.
Charter's blog is his pride and joy - he's full of ideas and creativity. His math has been completed for several months and even though it pains me to listen to him read Pokemon stories (*yawn*) - i love listening to my boy read...
& then there's the new addition to our homeschool - little mollen - who writes me full page stories and is reading well above grade level.
i don't know why i allowed myself to wallow, only focusing on what needs more attention.
Learning is happening - despite me, around me, because of me, unbeknownst to me....
& isn't that all a part of the plan?
i'm late posting today because i had my last facilitator meeting for the year.
We made some tentative plans for next year which i'll likely share as they take shape... & i feel good again.
Yeh, we had a new little baby, a potty training boy, a broken knee cap & a daddy who travels. We hit learning plateaus and breakthroughs. We worked hard some days & not at all other days. Winter was long - spring is reluctant.
It's the beginning of the end of my 8th year of homeschooling.
i'm hopeful & excited about my 9th...

Sunday, May 2, 2010

perspective... part1

i have been reading the comments on my blog with interest these last couple of days - & i would love to respond to some of the thoughts that they contain... Especially in light of Neil & i having made our decision regarding our little peanut.
Peyton will be schooling at Chrysalis Academy in the fall...
& for any of you who don't know - Chrysalis Academy is the name of our very own little homeschool.
It didn't take long for us to come to this conclusion, i know - but even though we made our decision quickly - there was sure a lot of thought that went into it.
First off - i want to share how i feel about homeschooling for *our* family. i want to have this written here - & pj can come read this someday & understand my feelings about this little scene that unwrapped itself this past week. Please don't think that this post is about anyone other than *my family* - i don't expect most people will make the same decisions that we have made & that's more than ok with me.
i have always said rather nonchalantly that if we ended up doing something different for one child, that would be ok with me. & i still feel that way to a certain extent - but less so than i did last week. The reason is this: homeschooling is something that unites us as a family. The 40+ hours/week that would be the required sacrifice for one of my children to go to public school is too great a cost. i'm not saying that it would never happen... but after carefully considering this option -and the changes that it would bring to our family unit via one missing person, i felt a certainty that this wouldn't work for us at this point in time.
Another thought that came up was my child's regret. That's a tough one to swallow eh? After carefully examining my heart, i came to the conclusion that *i'm already doing the thing that i believe to be the very best for this child* - if i choose to go another route - i will no longer be doing what i believe to be the best. It's an incredible sacrifice to decide to homeschool... & yeh, us homeschool mamas joke to each other that we're, "too lazy to send them to school" or that, "i'm too much of a control freak to send my little ones" - but in reality, i don't know a single homeschool mama who isn't giving their all to mothering their school aged children. We wouldn't be sacrificing all these hours & years if we didn't believe there were merits to homeschooling that are impossible to achieve any other way. i know for me, i'm constantly allowing, or disallowing things in my home based on what i believe to be the best... "no watching Pokemon during school hours", "No ice cream after 8pm", "Yes, you can try having a sleepover with your sister, but if you guys aren't settled in an hour, you're getting separated..."
It's our job as parents to carefully consider the requests brought to us - & gently make the decisions that we believe are best for our little ones. If my child has regrets about the way he or she was raised (as i'm sure they all will, on occasion) - i want to feel sure that i can say that i did what i truly believed was best. i don't feel confident that if honey girl regretted a year of public school that she asked for on a whim at age 9 - that i'd be able to say that.
Then there was the idea that quitting homeschooling (even just for 1 child) might make me feel like a failure.
Honestly, that's a thought that hadn't occurred to me. There is so much more at stake than my own pride :) Beginning homeschooling doesn't make you a success - just like quitting doesn't make you a failure. As mothers we all share the feeling of blindness at times. Feeling our way along without the benefit of hindsight. We all recognize that it's too soon for us to know what worked and what didn't. We have decades ahead of us to realize that even though we didn't make our parent's mistakes, we made our own. That's why we have to trust that these little ones are the handiwork of God - and that He will complete the work He began in them.
Homeschooling is an extension of how i have been called to mother in this season of my life.
& looking at it from every angle: our family, her siblings, my own beliefs... and most importantly my sweet honey girls' needs... i keep coming back to what we're already doing.
Education is a constant process of trying, failing, progressing, regressing, learning, growing...
& i feel such a peace - knowing that next year we'll still be doing that as a family -
at home.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

girl power

"i think you're underestimating the power of little girls' friendships, hon... it has nothing to do with what you guys are doing - it has everything to do with what she imagines public school to be..."
"i know... i just kinda felt blindsided 'cause we haven't had any attitude problems, or complaints... i didn't see it coming. i have everyones registrations filled out - ready to hand in on Monday, so i told her we'll decide by then. It's funny - she said she knows she'd like public school 'cause she had a dream about it - & her teacher was really nice... she had long blond hair... i felt like shaking her, 'honey girl, that was me!!' "
"i think you know what the right thing to do is..."
That afternoon, some of our homeschooling books arrived in the mail...
She fingered her share longingly...

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