Monday, March 29, 2010

what'm i grieving anyway?

i find myself vacillating wildly between feeling like my broken leg is no big deal - & feeling like it has completely rocked my world.
Today, i'll admit a small piece of what i have been grieving...
i was on the phone with my sister the other night, & i confessed to her - this thing - this small detail that has been picking at me since i ended up on crutches with my wee son only 5 weeks old. Speaking it aloud made me realise that this small thing - this tiny bit of life missed - matters to me. It's something that has affected the way i thought i would mother my little one, and is worthy of - just the smallest bit of - grief.
i have always loved this phase of motherhood - after delivery, feeling like you're getting your legs back under you, getting your household running in it's new manner with it's new occupant. i have always loved feeling stronger and lighter postpartum, better able to meet the needs of my other little ones and my husband.
i have always loved snuggling my little baby in a wrap or a sling - and in the midst of cooking, cleaning, schooling, parenting - looking down on my little love, snuggled close to my heart & planting a kiss on a precious downy head as my workday continues.
i had a brand new sling this time & it was Ephraim's second home up until my fall - which rendered babywearing practically impossible.
In a small voice, i confessed to my sister that although i felt like i was probably holding Ephraim even *more* than i would have, had i been mobile - i hate not being able to carry him up the stairs when he gets dreamy eyed... i hate that i can't carry him across the room, into the back yard. i hate that i can't get to him very fast when he starts to cry - & instead, i have to ask someone to get him for me... & i'm sad that his new sling sits, unused, while i wait out these long weeks for my bone to heal.
So there it is - my confession sits like a small sigh...
i'm snuggling my fresh wisp of light and life even while i type this post - & i find that in my regret, there is still room for gratitude.
As a mama of 7 - i shouldn't have as much time sitting on a couch, cooing and gazing at my sweet one as i have had. Our eyes have been locked much of the day - & his dimply smiles sustain my impatient heart as i convalesce on the couch.
i hear the petulant voice in my head, "But *i* want..."
& i know it doesn't matter what i want - *this* is where i am -
& as i shush my selfishness - i realise that this spot - with all it's limitations, pain and inability - is a beautiful place to be.
Big deal, or not - i'm going to enjoy the scenery of my new surroundings - finding every little bit of good -
& not being afraid to admit that there are a few things...
i am missing.


Jen said...

I totally think that it is a justifiable grief. They are that little for such a short time and I would feel the loss too.
My heart skipped a beat the other day when I thought of being able to carry this new one in my wrap....and missing the times I did with Kellan.
Glad you get the extra cuddles tho...and glad you can see that as a blessing.

Melissa said...

Oh Paige... As much as I'm sad that it's like this for you, I'm glad that you've posted about it. I've wondered at your predicament, and spent a long time thinking about all the things I'd be missing if I was in your shoes... and yes, babywearing was one of them... as was rocking and laying a little honey into bed... or getting him up...

Silver linings.... you're good at finding them. :) God is still good!

Lisa said...

I think you do need to grieve when things don't go the way you planned. That being said, it seems right when you figure out what you like or want, something has to happen to shake things up :P
At least that's how its been for me. lol

Just keep you heart heavenward, He will do the rest.

Prvbs31Mama said...

Paige, I'm just so impressed that you know why you're grieving...sigh. For me I'd be out of sorts but just not understand why, or want to even think about it long enough to figure out why...
This is a very valid reason to be are being stretched by Yahweh, as you are learning to be flexible despite your well laid plans and goals...HUGS.
What the enemy meant for evil our awesome and loving Father turns it into good! I have loved watching you be pliable in our Master Potter's Hand and sharing your growth with us is so cool to see!

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate...although my "broken leg" came in the form of breast cancer. Found the lump when my baby was 3 months old. She's the same age as your Gagey...I've been following your blog quietly since you joined the Feb 2008 birth group on BabyCenter. I've been inspired by your passion for motherhood and your love for God.

This post about grief SOOO hits home for me. We tried to have a child for 10 years, finally had our daughter, and then three months later I have terminal breast cancer. I've got a lot of grief bottled up inside of me. Thanks for sharing about helps me realize I still haven't dealt with mine....but somehow it feels good just to realize that. Progress. Slowly...


paige said...

cara - i can't even imagine the type of grief that you're describing...
i've learned in my own life, with my own griefs - that allowing myself to sorrow - hacks at the very roots of bitterness. i think sometimes it would appear that when we grieve, there is a certain weakness - but "interfacing" with it is what allows us to fully experience beauty - & love.


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