i find myself vacillating wildly between feeling like my broken leg is no big deal - & feeling like it has completely rocked my world.
Today, i'll admit a small piece of what i have been grieving...
i was on the phone with my sister the other night, & i confessed to her - this thing - this small detail that has been picking at me since i ended up on crutches with my wee son only 5 weeks old. Speaking it aloud made me realise that this small thing - this tiny bit of life missed - matters to me. It's something that has affected the way i thought i would mother my little one, and is worthy of - just the smallest bit of - grief.
i have always loved this phase of motherhood - after delivery, feeling like you're getting your legs back under you, getting your household running in it's new manner with it's new occupant. i have always loved feeling stronger and lighter postpartum, better able to meet the needs of my other little ones and my husband.
i have always loved snuggling my little baby in a wrap or a sling - and in the midst of cooking, cleaning, schooling, parenting - looking down on my little love, snuggled close to my heart & planting a kiss on a precious downy head as my workday continues.
i had a brand new sling this time & it was Ephraim's second home up until my fall - which rendered babywearing practically impossible.
In a small voice, i confessed to my sister that although i felt like i was probably holding Ephraim even *more* than i would have, had i been mobile - i hate not being able to carry him up the stairs when he gets dreamy eyed... i hate that i can't carry him across the room, into the back yard. i hate that i can't get to him very fast when he starts to cry - & instead, i have to ask someone to get him for me... & i'm sad that his new sling sits, unused, while i wait out these long weeks for my bone to heal.
So there it is - my confession sits like a small sigh...
i'm snuggling my fresh wisp of light and life even while i type this post - & i find that in my regret, there is still room for gratitude.
As a mama of 7 - i shouldn't have as much time sitting on a couch, cooing and gazing at my sweet one as i have had. Our eyes have been locked much of the day - & his dimply smiles sustain my impatient heart as i convalesce on the couch.
i hear the petulant voice in my head, "But *i* want..."
& i know it doesn't matter what i want - *this* is where i am -
& as i shush my selfishness - i realise that this spot - with all it's limitations, pain and inability - is a beautiful place to be.
Big deal, or not - i'm going to enjoy the scenery of my new surroundings - finding every little bit of good -
& not being afraid to admit that there are a few things...
i am missing.