Sunday, January 31, 2010

Fresh Out

Sorry gang, i'm fresh out of due dates.
The good news is, a tiny person has let me know that they still have *one perfect date* saved up... just for this occasion.
That tiny person has promised to fill me in when the time comes.
Now, to the question - do i leave my funny little ticker to count *up* -
Or am i done with the sucker?
i'm thinkin' i'm done with it...
*contented sigh*
Neil painted the babies room... It's almost done... (G & baby will share - we think?)
i feel good, full, round & healthy...
The days fill themselves & i'm busy...
i happy.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

pop quiz

Your 9 months pregnant wife is out in the icy dark unloading groceries from the van... You hear a bloodcurdling scream (later find out it was a car full of nincompoop teenagers trying to scare her) BUT, you think it's her... you:
a.) drop everything & run out to make sure she's ok...
b.) mutter to the nearest child, "sheesh, what is she screaming about?"
Neil chose the *wrong answer*...
Later that night - receiving the rather chilly shoulder, he snuggled up behind me... "You hurt my feelings..." he teased.
i hate when he's charming...
when i'm trying to be angry...
My insides melt when he comes near... "i'm sorry" doesn't have to always be words... "i forgive you" is sometimes implied...
Love wins.

Friday, January 29, 2010

8th midwife appointment - passing due dates

Cairo wanted to have her turn at the midwife appointment with her little boyfriend, so with my oldest & youngest buckled in the van, on Wednesday we headed off for the clinic.
Gagey seemed pleased that he got to go on an outing with mama & big sister - & he looked so handsome with his monkey tuque & striped hoody that i couldn't help but smile as he trotted confidently across the parking lot.
The other family in the waiting room was a mother, father & little girl. Each had a massive pile of dreadlocks twisted up on their heads & Gagey was entranced with them. He perched himself on the couch so he could watch every move the little girl made & he would report back to me... "Her outSIDE!" "Her dooin' IT!" Finally, he got a little restless & started going through Cairo's purse. He pulled out a little flashlight & kept trying to shine it on the dreadlocked family till Cairo, horrified, pulled it away. She looked very relieved when finally it was our turn.
"So? 39 and a half weeks, eh?"
"Feeling good movement still?"
"Yeh, maybe a little squishy in there... but the head's nice & low..."
"Any contractions?"
"Not much of anything to report, no... a few here & there, but nothing painful, or timeable..."
"Doesn't mean much anyway..."
"Yeh... i know..."
"If you want, next week we could strip your membranes & see if that encourages anything along..."
"Y'know? i think i'd rather just wait - especially if i'm feeling this good... i think we'll just let things happen as they happen..."
"Sure - you've got a whole 'nother 2 week window on the other side of your "due date" - plus we gave you those extra 3 days... i'm sure things'll happen on their own."
"Yeh..." i patted my belly protectively.

You know your birthday, right little one?
i think it's fun that you have a little secret from mama that you refuse to tell... i'm so curious. We have all made our guesses & predictions - but you, in your darkened cave, you laugh at us, don't you? As i pass random dates picked out on a calendar by an ultrasound machine - or laws of averages, you know that those dates aren't yours... & so you grow & wait... & we wonder & prepare... The 28th is gone - the 31st fast approaches... Each day bringing us closer to your arrival.
When will it be?

Thursday, January 28, 2010


Little lovey.
What i remember most about the early part of your pregnancy is how violently ill i got. i had "normal" morning sickness with Cairo & then i had none at all with Sloanie, so when i got knocked flat on my behind with you, i was a little shocked.
Nothing would stay down - & as i kept losing weight, my doctor told me, "One more pound & you're going into the hospital to get rehydrated..."
i can honestly say that feeling as i was, it was a relief when i kept dropping & they put me in the hospital & i could just close my eyes & feel miserable. i had a bladder infection & a migraine. i was under 100lbs & i worried about the tiny one trying to grow inside under such strenuous circumstances.
But, grow you did...
When finally, i rounded the bend - & i could keep food down again, the pounds piled on... My doctor told me to "slow down, you want to fit through those hospital doors when that baby comes, don't you?"
i laughed, ate & grew.
We had bought & renovated a little old house & i felt incredibly contented & happy in my new surroundings. In the morning, the sun would come into my sunny, yellow bedroom & in the evening it shone through my living room window, bathing the whole house in a buttery, glow that left me feeling *happy*.
We lived across the street from the railroad - & if we were on the phone when we'd hear the train coming, we'd have to either quickly get off, or warn the other party that we wouldn't be able to hear anything for the next 30 seconds, so they'd have to wait. Often times, i would bring out your big sisters & we would wave to the train as it whizzed past our house with blaring horn & roaring engine.
Midday, the town horn would sound & i loved the way it made me feel like i lived in the coziest little town. We loved our sweet little home & community. We had huge trees in our yard, & the summer you were to be born, i remember standing on the deck, hanging out our laundry - or cutting the grass - or playing at the park with your sisters - waiting on your arrival.
There were tough things about that year too - Dad was working at a mill that seemed to want to go bankrupt no matter how many extra shifts he would work, or how much hair he would pull out, or how much he would fret & worry & stress.
We missed daddy.
With more than a month left in my pregnancy, my weight gain that had begun with a bang, stopped just as suddenly.
i know now that it was likely just my body compensating for those first challenging months & trying to even itself out - but it made my doctor scratch his head. He decided he wanted to send me for an extra ultrasound (biophysical profile). i was *delighted* when they told me that it looked like baby would be over 7 pounds!! Having had two 6 pounders, i crowed with delight thinking of your chubby little thighs & maybe even an extra chin or two... The doctor seemed a little disappointed that you hadn't scored "perfectly" on your biophysical profile & he felt like he wanted to give you a chance to come if you were ready. We were already a few days past your due date & so he asked me to come in for a trial induction... If it didn't work, he promised to send me home & wait for you to come on your own. That day, Grampsie came down from Edmonton to help with the girlies as daddy had worked a nightshift. i got myself ready & walked to the hospital, hoping to get something going on it's own. They said that after they put in the cervidil, they would check me after a few hours & if nothing had happened, i was free to go home.
Nothing happened.
They checked me & told me i wasn't in active labour & i was free to go.
i called Gramps & he came to get me.
i was a little disappointed - & so i went to snuggle into bed with daddy while Grampsie took your sisters out for french fries.
No sooner had i settled into bed when the contractions started. Within minutes, my water broke & i had woken your daddy who, bleary eyed, thought it would be embarrassing to take me back to the hospital when we had just left there moments ago.
In a hot panic, i told him we didn't have a choice & we needed to go now...
We climbed into our little green van & drove the 2 blocks to the small town hospital. In between contractions that were almost piggybacking each other, i yelled at him to pull up to the door.
He looked at me like i was crazy - after all, my labour had just begun - & tried to pull into a parking stall. i ripped open the door of the still moving van & he slammed on the breaks & i made a run for the front door, hoping to get inside before the next momentous contraction. i made it into the front door & collapsed on the floor. The nurses saw me & came running. i began begging for an epidural - a fact which still makes me laugh now, knowing i was in transition & just had no idea... "i don't think there's time, honey, you have a certain look about you..." said the nurse kindly..."Then gimme an epidural for the stitches!" i begged irrationally... Thankfully, they chuckled at me & ignored my pleading rants.
Still in my sandals & brown sundress, they pulled me up on a bed & said, "Here comes baby..."
& there you did come.
Daddy ran into the room as you came crashing into our lives...
The doctor, who happened to be at the hospital as i had come running through the door, counted as he unravelled the cord from around your neck... "One, two, three..." i saw thick, dark hair & then heard the words, "It's a girl!"
"Really?" i found myself a little surprised - *three girls*...
Within 10 minutes of arriving at the hospital, you were placed into your daddy's arms. i saw the look on his exhausted face & was glad when a nurse pushed a chair up behind him when his legs collapsed.
We phoned Grampsie who was shocked when we laughingly told him, "She's here!"
He rushed to the hospital with your big sisters in tow. Their round eyes registered surprise & when i glowingly showed them their little sister & asked them what they thought, they held hands & answered solemnly, "We think she's beautiful..."
Granny, it seems, had better intuition than i had - & when she arrived that night, had already purchased 3 matching white dresses.
My heart fairly burst with pride as i looked at my three darling girls. Cairo with her cotton fuzz hair that refused to lie straight, Sloanie with the bounciest pigtails you've ever seen, & you - with your gorgeous skin & dark hair - looking for all the world like an ethereal fairy princess.
i remember thinking, "This one is so familiar, 'cause it's me all over again... " i was thinking of my childhood with my 2 big sisters & how close we had all grown. You looked (& look) the most like your daddy - but i felt like you were *my* girl.
i remember like it was yesterday, bringing you home the next day. By evening, granny & gramps had already left & gammie & gampie were on their way. Daddy had to pull another night shift & i had tucked the other girls in their beds. The lights in the house were dimmed & i tucked you into my big yellow bed & smelled your hair & stroked your silky soft cheek - inhaling the scent of fresh life - my precious daughter. We both sighed contented, happy sighs - feeling that in that candle-lit moment... all was right with the world.
So typical of you, Peyton, that your story would have so many funny little twists and turns. i think you'll always be like that for me - keeping me on my toes - learning differently, surprising me daily & keeping me open to the unexpected.
In my journals, i most often call you "my sparkling eyed one", my child who is most likely to accept the blame or to try to mend fences. The one who laughs the loudest & the longest... the one who builds a bridge between the "bigs" and the "littles".
i'm so grateful for each little twist in the road that brought us you - my little 'big & small' - my middly girl - my Joy.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

He Loves Her...

i remember being in my sister's kitchen a few months before i got married. She had just had her first baby in November - & he was only about 3 months old. He wasn't a great sleeper & my sister was feeling the effects of severe sleep deprivation. She was in the middle of cooking supper & her kitchen was steaming hot & we visited as she worked.
Her naturally curly hair was wild & her kitchen was a crazy mess & i just happened to glance up as her husband looked at her. She had no idea he was watching her - & i couldn't stop myself from staring as his eyes followed her every move. If ever there was a look that said, "i am the luckiest man in the world & i love this woman." it was this look. The minutes ticked by - & i found myself wanting to laugh as his gaze never wavered.
Years passed before i saw that look again... other than on my own husband's sweet face... in those rare perfect moments when i would happen to catch him.... & you know - it happened so rarely - he so carefully plays his cards so close to his chest.
We were at the pool one New Years Eve. Our church had rented it & i happened to be standing behind a group of men that were visiting. Suddenly one of the men shushed all the others & said, "Just wait, i want to watch her..."
i followed his eyes to the diving board & i saw his wife tip-toeing out to the edge. She looked scared. She was half crouched over - nervously inching her way along the board, holding onto the rail till she got to the end.
"C'mon, honey, you can do it..." he mumbled under his breath.
The other men kind of watched him, bemused.
She raised her arms over her head, carefully leaned over & dove into the water. It wasn't a perfect dive... not even close, but a look of pure pleasure flooded her husband's face as he quietly celebrated her success...
"She's always been really afraid of diving... She just learned how... "
She swam to the edge & climbed up - never even aware of her husband's watchful eye & his excitement from the sidelines.
One night, i was remembering these 2 incidents & i burst out laughing.
"Neil, i want a picture of you loving me!!"
He had no idea what i was getting at. i ran to get the camera...
"C'mon. Put a look of love on your face. i want to remember it forever."
He had been lying in bed watching tv & his eyes looked crazy tired, but i didn't care. i was a woman on a mission & i wasn't going to be put off.
"i love you." He said, barely glancing my way...
"No, you gotta say it with your face. i'm gonna take your picture & keep it so i can look at it whenever i need you to love me."
He looked at me then... "i love you, paige."
"Noooooooo, c'mon - really, pullleeeeease? Love me... with your eyes. Love me.. love me... love me!! " i teased, cajoled & bugged till finally, rubbing his weary eyes, he turned & faced me...
He looked at me
& smiled.
Y'know that kind of smile that says, "You are a crazy woman... but i am the luckiest man in the world... & i love you."
Without waiting for the camera to focus, i clicked the shutter twice.
i had it.
With a gleeful laugh, i ran to my computer & downloaded my treasures. All i got were 2 blurry pictures, but they were good enough.
He loves me.
& i have proof.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

7th midwife appointment - new cycle

i decided since i won't have enough appointments to take everyone twice, that i'd make the kids double up. This past Wednesday, it was Peyton & Charter's turn.
They giggled & poked each other the entire way to the clinic - & Peyton helped Charter finish up his math lesson.
We were going to meet with the third & final midwife in the practice that we're with. 2 of the 3 will be attending baby's birth - so we were excited to meet her.
She called us in - full of energy & confidence.
Peyton & Charter looked shocked when she asked them if they'd like to come help. She had them use the pinard horn to hear the baby's heartbeat - & we decided we'd rather not use the doppler if we could avoid it. After feeling around for the baby's position, they went on a little search mission for tiny feet. When they were successful, Peyton's face just glowed as she palpated one tiny foot, right where it usually rests just below my right ribcage.
She had all the time in the world to talk to us about our impending birth - & she told the littles conspiratorially - "i just love your names - i can't wait to hear what you guys name this one!"
Charter was fairly bursting when he announced to her *his* name of preference & was rewarded with an elbow to the ribs as Peyton whispered, "That's a SECRET, Charter!!"
"S'ok." - i laughed...
They giggled all the way home. Making promises to each other that neither would make Mollen jealous that she had missed out on the *best midwife appointment ever*.
i have two more appointments scheduled.
After that, they said we'll "play it by ear".
My friends were laughing at me counting on going over...
Come when you're ready, little one... we're ready when you are.

Monday, January 25, 2010


Dad's full of nicknames, eh, Sloan?
i want to tell you your story too.
i was sure a different girl when i found out you were coming than i had been when i found out Cai was coming. i had experienced so many new things - being a wife & a mama, the isolation of moving far away from all our friends & my family, staying home & keeping house - rather than working or going to school for the first time in my life.
But by far the thing that had left me most changed was losing Caleb.
You were conceived the month after his loss.
Gone were any cocky notions that i was 'made to have babies'. i saw myself as a broken vessel - & prayed that God would spare you despite the fact that i had been unable to protect your brother. Your pregnancy milestones were touched with a yearning for my other baby... when we announced our pregnancy, we should have been announcing a baby's birth - & i wanted all 3 of my babies... & i always felt a gnawing pain knowing that in this life, that would never be so.
As a result, i was ready for you to be born from the moment i knew you were coming. i didn't want to wait what felt like a torturous 9 months for you to grow - i wanted you safe in my arms now.
We went for an extra ultrasound with you - to make sure all was well... i'm not sure if it was to accomplish anything more than peace of mind as we had had an ultrasound with Caleb at 12 weeks & all had been well in baby land... but suddenly, for no reason at week 16, his little life ended...
When we went for a second ultrasound, (your placenta had been a little low, so the doctors had wanted to double check on that) - i told daddy i wanted to know if you were a boy or girl. Dad was a big fan of the 'surprise' - but he knew that in my fragile state, i wanted something i could hold onto - so he let me find out.
The doctor performing the ultrasound had propped the monitor so i could see too & as he scanned your perfect little body, i saw what i was looking for without anyone telling me.
"It's a girl..." i breathed.
Tiny sisters.
My imagination went wild.
We picked your name - & taught Cairo to call you by it. & as the months slowly dragged by - i learned that some things were just out of my control - & i was going to have to wait for you - like it or not. People told me that i shouldn't grieve so hard - as it would be hard on the baby inside. i sat at my piano & cried & sang - cairo nestling her white head against me & you - my comfort - you grew, despite their warnings.
At last, the days dwindled into the single digits. i felt sure that you would soon be here - & almost nightly, i would sit up, timing contractions, praying that you would come.
Finally - *finally* - the day came. My doctor - likely knowing my heart - had sent me for a non stress test 4 days past your "due date". i drove to the hospital where they informed me that i was in labour. As i wasn't in any pain, i decided to just walk around, let daddy finish his shift & come when he was able. Since Cai's birth had been so quick, i thought yours would be too - but turned as you were in the birth canal, it would end up being a long, testing day.
Hours later, daddy arrived - with his cheerful, happy face adding to my strength - & together we laboured several more hours.
The intensity of the contractions brought back memories of both my first birthing, and that of your brother, though he had been only 16 weeks.
When i didn't think i could do it anymore, the doctor told me it would only be a couple more hours... i lost hope till i saw the nurse mouthing the words, "NO WAY" behind his back. As he left the room, she held my hand & said, "You're almost done, honey, you can do this..."
She was right.
Within 20 minutes, you were born.
Is she alive? Did God grant life?
Sloanie - you were tiny. You had a soft little mound of dark hair & your wee face had been squished & marked with stork bites. Your nose was crooked from your long, difficult journey & though you cried before you were fully born, almost instantly, you stopped & gazed around the room with wise dark eyes.
i shook.
My whole body shook with the exertion & effort it had taken to birth you & the emotion that grew when the sound of your voice filled a gaping hole in my heart.
Finally - kind hands wrapped us both in warm blankets and i crooned, sobbing, touching noses with this fresh life with whom i already felt fully connected.
i wanted to nurse you right away - and you were hungry too.
By the time we were settled - it was late. i was tired - but you weren't. Your dark eyes didn't want to close... almost like you had been as anxious to come out as i had been to have you out. We spent that first night, in exhausted wonder - each staring at the other - memorizing each others features, captivated with the change of scenery & the scent of *hope*.
Cairo loved you.
"Hold her! Hold her!" She cried cupping her tiny baby hands in front of her.
From the moment she laid eyes on you, the 2 of you have been inseparable. Each fiercely loyal to the other - companions. Faithful, steadfast, unwavering. An inspiration to your daddy and me as we try to instill a heart of love in our family.
So, bones, maybe your story isn't as eloquent, or as innocent as Cai's story.
Your story is one of desire & hope.
Your story includes scenes of heartbreak & sorrow.
Your story found me at a weak place...
i wouldn't trade your story for any other story in the world, 'cause your story -
brought us you.

"I never saw you so small before, not even when you were nursing the primrose."
"Must you see me every size that can be measured before you know me, Diamond?"

- At the Back of the North Wind by George MacDonald (Sloanie's favourite book at the time of this writing... )

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Poolin' it.

So, i just got back from teaching my weekly class on abstinence to the local teens... aka - going to public swim at 9mos pregnant.
My body was screaming at me last night...
Yes. Screaming.
Not very nice words either. i thought either the weightlessness of the water would ease some of the pain, or that my humiliation at being seen in a swimsuit would eclipse the pain. i was right on both counts. (As an aside - i think that the saltwater takes away some of the swelling... 's a good thing...)
Anyway - i was there, minding my own business, with little Gage who decided that today was the day that he would go absolutely nuts dunking & trying to swim... *so cute and fun*... when i spotted a familiar face.
Maybe some of you read my post a couple of weeks ago LINK here, i'll post the pertinent paragraph...
"There was a cute little pregnant girl in the change room - she was helping her toddler out of his swimsuit - she hadn't been swimming. i asked her when she was due, & it was only days before me.
Then she asked me if this was my first baby.
i could have kissed her."

Sure enough, my familiar face was that very same cute little pregnant girl... only... she wasn't pregnant anymore. Wrapped in her arms was the most darling dark haired baby boy...
i almost missed catching Gagey as he did a flying kamikaze leap off the side of the pool into my arms...
She went & sat at the side of the pool, watching her husband & young son play in the shallow end & tended to her tiny lamb.
i tried to quit staring. i really did.
Is it really almost my turn?
i went & told Neil... & he laughed at me & told me i had lots of time left... & to relax.
He's right of course... but there was that little tiny dark haired one, pulling my eyes back to the scene at the side of the pool, reminding me of what's to come... Incredible.
When it was time to leave, i heaved my body out of the pool & went to the change room. The sight that met me there, left me with a smile on my face. There was a lady changing standing on the bench so that she wouldn't get the cuffs of her pants wet...
Thing is, she was putting her clothes on over top of her wet bathing suit...
It's still making me smile.
People are funny.
So, that's me - keeping my chin up & my bathing suit on for these last family swims...

Saturday, January 23, 2010

These shoulders...

Carry the weight of: 6 children,
"Hey, hon - sorry i've been gone so much... i'm just trying to do a good job."
a conscience that drives to excellence,
"Sorry, babe - my flight's been cancelled. Love you."
2 jobs,
"i would have called but i only had 2 minutes to catch the plane to Cincinnati."
a pregnant wife,
"i'll call when i get to Toronto, k?"
all wanting him...
"i know. i wish i was there too."
needing him...
5am - "ahh, up & at 'em. Heading to the mill in 20 minutes. Love you."
counting on him...
"45 minutes. i promise."
to follow through.
"Send me a family picture. They want to see you guys."
These shoulders...
"i don't know if i can talk to you tonight, but what a day. Can't wait to have a tubby & tell you all about it."
carry the weight of the world -
"You worry too much. i love you."
ease my load,
"if you need cash, take it out of chequing."
are dependable & they...
"i just pulled into the garage. i'd love some lunch."
belong to the man i love...
*all quotes stolen from the last couple of weeks of emails... Probably the first & only time neil will unknowingly guest-post on my blog. Enjoy :)

Friday, January 22, 2010


danger lurks where desperation has crept in –
hope peeks from behind broken walls & destroyed dwellings –
anger, hatred and frustration compound the devastation
grace knocks gently at doors with broken hinges.

looters howl in greed, delighted with darkness –
mothers whisper tender croonings of love.
for a moment it seems that ravaging ruin will be victorious-
amidst the raging storm, His hands carry.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

cairo's story

i remember in those first tumultuous weeks after learning you were growing in me, finding myself curling around my stomach in the night - feeling a fierce protectiveness for the little one growing inside, wrapping my arms around my sides - though i didn't have a belly yet - & talking to you in soft whispers when we were alone in the night.
i knew right from the start that you would be a little girl.
The first time i felt you kicking - i remember being startled by your strength. It was still so early to be feeling kicks - & i hadn't been trying to feel anything - when suddenly, there you were, making your presence known. Gently i held my hand on the outside of my abdomen & felt you move again. i closed my eyes & basked in the wonder of it all. That moment is imprinted on my mind forever.
That summer before you were born - was a summer filled with newly wedded bliss. Daddy & i hiked, swam, laughed and loved. We ate fresh fruit off the trees, held hands with intertwining pinkies & went for ice cream.
You grew - & in the night i would curl up behind him with my belly pressed to his back & we would laugh as he would feel you pushing against him. Our little party of 3. We were happy.
The day before you were due, we went hiking - trying not to get our hopes up that you would soon arrive & yet with each braxton hicks contraction, we wondered if this was it. That night, we watched the lunar eclipse & ate fresh grape pie.
i remember waking at 12:42am - with another tightening - bleary eyed, i rose - & my water broke.
In that moment - i knew that we would soon be meeting face to face & the emotion that washed over me fairly swept me away. Dad couldn't hide his excitement when i whispered to him that it was finally time.
We snuck out in the wee hours to our junky car & as daddy turned the key, a cheesy country song blared from his radio... "That girl's been spying on me..." Daddy turned to me and grinned, "It really is gonna be a little girl, isn't it?" i smiled back...
It didn't take long before the tightenings became powerful entities. i felt my body go into autopilot as my mind melted - unable to comprehend the earth shattering events at hand.
Your heartrate dipped with each surge and i felt sure that you must be coming soon. Time was lost completely as i felt my whole body heave and quake and break and tear... i was scared by the sheer force of it all & i remember wondering how it felt for you - being birthed - as i myself was rebirthed and renamed, 'mother'.
Finally - your body slipped from mine - & i heard the doctor's voice say, "She's beautiful... tiny... but beautiful..."
i looked & beheld a lovely pink dolly. Exquisite in perfection, crying with clenched fists and impossibly dainty curled feet.
Your first cries were sweet, plaintive wails & when i held you - we were both shaking.
Minutes, hours, weeks & years have melted into each other - & i find myself here... more than 13 year later... imagining that night again.
Remembering your daddy - brown from working in the sun - snuggling into bed beside us as we slept off our wondrous night. Remembering waking with ravenous hunger - feeling like my belly would never again be full - knowing that i had worked harder than i ever had in my life & by God's grace, i had witnessed a miracle. Remembering curling your tiny pink fingers around my hands - while daddy tickled the bottoms of your bare feet that were dwarfed by his big toe.
Those sweet beginnings have turned into years of growth. Yours & mine... mother & firstborn... The growth of our family - Daddy & i welcoming each of your siblings after you - with the same joy & wonder we welcomed you with.
Growth - as our love has multiplied & spilled over, watering with warm rain from above & secret springs below.
Cai - you are a blessing.
You are a sweet miracle of life.
i am grateful to God for the Grace that brought us you.
i love you.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

would a due date by any other name sound as sweet?

So, i have a baby ticker on the side of my blog.
i like it.
If you click on it, it shows different numbers - how many weeks done, how many weeks left, how many days left... It's fun.
But it is counting down to January 31st.
i feel like a crazy person - but i find myself counting down to January 28th. That's the date that the ultrasound gave - & it's a full 3 days earlier than the 31st (for those of you math challenged...)
When i found out i was pregnant, i begged my midwife for the latest date she could put on my chart in good conscience. She came up with the 31st. i didn't want to feel rushed & i wanted to feel freedom at the end of my pregnancy to just enjoy it, rather than feel like an induction was looming...
But now that i'm at the end...
i want credit for those 3 measly days.
i want to say, "i have only x days left..." not x PLUS 3!!
The funniest part is that i'm fairly certain that i will go beyond both of these dates, so really - what in the world does it matter??!!
i can joke about it this time 'cause i'm not feeling anxious or impatient... but i think it's funny how loopy we (pregnant girls) get at the end of this long journey of expectancy.

Darling little baby -
Take your time - mama's just being a goof. i'm having fun growing you - & i know that you want your big brothers & sisters to be entranced by your nice chubby thighs & your round dimpled cheeks. Grow some cute little fingernails & get good & ready to come out in your own time. i'm glad i have those 3 extra days grace with no pressure to *bring you forth*.
In my heart - i know that i am not waiting for a *date* - i am looking forward to *your arrival*. Daddy & i have no doubt that you know when you should come - & that you will come on that very special date - be it today - or 4 more weeks from today.
Besides - the longer you stay inside - the longer i get before i have to share you.

& i'm not big on sharing.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


i have no idea what came over me yesterday. i had an *awesome* weekend. Neil took the bigs skiing on Saturday & i had a date day with Molls & Gage. We played, went to ikea for lunch, ran errands & had supper ready when they came home.
Neil was sweet to me.
My littles blessed me.
My waddly belly kept me excited.
So, why on earth i woke up on Monday with a horrible case of the grumpies, i have no idea.
Maybe it's 'cause Neil kissed me goodbye at 5am in order to catch his flight to Toronto by 7. Maybe it's 'cause my biggies were babysitting another little one at my house & we couldn't get into our normal routine for the day.
Maybe i was just due for a day of feeling a little impatient & explosive.
Whatever it was - i wasn't digging it.
Several times over the course of the day - i found myself deep breathing - & nobody even did anything wrong.
Finally, at the supper table, i turned to my little posse & stated simply, "Man, i've felt grumpy today..."
"It's my fault..." said Peyton first. (She's always the first one to take the blame). "i shouldn't have needed so much help with my math today..."
i thought back to her math lesson. It was actually a highlight of my day... Usually she works independently, but today she was struggling, so we sat side by side & worked out the problems together. She never slacked off - even when i could tell she was tired, she worked her hardest & by the time we were done, it was taking her half the time it had been for each problem as it had been when we started... i was so proud of her.
"Nah," i said, "It was definitely not you, Peyts..."
"It was *my* fault..." said Mollen. "i was eating those pitas in Gagey's room & now you have to vacuume again..."
i thought back to Mollen's little packed "picnic" lunch for her & Gage. She had it wrapped in a little box, wrapped in a blankie & slung on a little stick that she carried over her shoulder. So cute.
"No, Mollen... Mama needs to vacuume anyway - it was totally not your fault. i love how you play with Gagey... Actually - there were a lot of things about today that made me happy... i got Gagey back in cloth diapers after a couple of weeks using disposables. That always makes me happy. It made my heart grow to hear Cai practicing her fiddle downstairs while Peyts & i worked on our math... i've wanted her to learn Sour Grass all year - & now that she has - it's so pretty... "
As i was talking - i looked over at Gagey. Typical (almost) 2 year old with a big fat lip & seemingly never with pants on. He grinned a big toothy grin at me.

Time to start over, heart.

i tidied up supper & then called the little ones. We did an 8 minute tidy in the basement, 5 minutes on the main floor & 3 minutes for the upstairs (i always use the timer - then we run & hustle - & it's amazing what we can accomplish).
Then, we all put on our jammies - & met in my room for a couple of chapters of our current read aloud. When i was out of breath, my big girls took turns to give me a break...
It was about all i had in me to be able to do...
But it was enough.

Monday, January 18, 2010

homeschooling in the last days...

is a relaxed affair... as homeschooling usually is in our house.
It's a little different now that the big kids are bigger. They can set their own goals & press on, regardless of circumstances. i usually just keep going till baby arrives - doing what we can, picking up the most necessary subjects (reading & math) & trimming fat...
So far - we haven't had to trim much.
This lifestyle lends itself to flexibility - i can still read aloud with a tiny, hours old baby in my arms. i can supervise a math lesson while loading the dishwasher. i can listen to a child read while folding laundry. Yeh, there are a million interruptions - still working on a solution for that one. But for the most part - homeschooling in the last days is good company - keeping the anticipation at bay with busy minds & hands... while allowing our new little baby the spotlight when the time comes...

Sunday, January 17, 2010

i heard music...

& as i peeked around the corner, i saw a tiny computer genius reorganizing the desktop on my computer. He had miraculously opened my music folder & had turned on a little Plumb for his listening pleasure. He was in the midst of putting 4 of my desktop folders into the recycle bin and my internet was disconnected.
"What're you up to buddy?"
He gave me a prideful charming smile - his tiny bum swaying to the music.
i love babies...

Saturday, January 16, 2010


Gage's first full sentence was, "DarDar, NO!!"
Meaning, "Charter, no!"
Charter is a typical 7 year old boy who is giggling his hardest when someone else is screaming for mercy. Maybe i've put him in a bit of a box though...
The other day, i came downstairs to the heartbreaking wails of my littlest boy. He ran to my arms, soaking wet, crying, "DarDar, water!!"
Seething, i called Charter over, "What did you DO??!!"
"He had the water on full blast & was dumping it by the cupful on the floor. i turned the water off."
"o. well... thanks... Gagey, say sorry to Charter..."
Gagey might've actually looked a little sheepish..."Dorry, Dardar!"
"s'ok, little buddy - i forgive you..."
He wrapped his big boy arms around his tiny brother & my heart melted...
When i was going through all those years of only girls in our house, nobody ever told me how stinking cute brothers are...

Friday, January 15, 2010

the bald, the blind & the bears...

i like our mornings...
Toast & coffee - mixed with History & a fiction read aloud...
What could be nicer?
That morning was a fast & furious review of previously studied characters - i would shout out a name, point at a child & if they could give me a bit of information on that person, they would earn 5c.
"Wife of Adam!" "First woman!" "First mother!"
"King Minos!"
"Legendary King who owned a pet that was half bull, half man!"
"King who invented a set of 300 laws called the Code of Hammurabi!"
We worked our way down the list. Even Charter got a few...
We got down to Elijah & Elisha & suddenly i threw them a curve ball...
"Which one of these men was BALD!!"
They looked at me blankly... "Bald? Mom, i don't think the bible talks about either one of them being bald..."
"Yes it does! Have you guys never read about when some kids were making fun of Elisha for being bald & so he called a curse from heaven on them & bears came out & mauled them??"
They started to laugh - "That NEVER happened! i totally don't believe you - you're making that up!"
"No, it's true! Lemme get my bible..."
i found the reference i was looking for (2 Kings 2:23-25) & Cai yanked the bible out of my hands..."Ya, let me read that, i don't trust you."
i sat smug as i was proved right... & then suggested that perhaps they should think twice before making fun of bald people & now we were going to move on.
i called out the next name... & was met with Cai's hand waving in the air...
"Um, are you talking about the minor prophet during the time of the locusts? Or the guy who is married to Dad's cousin who uses that special shampoo 'cause he's going... (whispers) bald..." Cairo has the EVILLLLLLEST gleam in her eye...
Sloanie turns bright purple & BURSTS out laughing! "You're gonna get eaten by a BEAR!!!!"
i decide i'd better move things along...
"He's that blind story teller!" Sloanie waves her hand in the air... "i can't remember the special name for story teller..."
"Bard." Cai says dryly... "He was known as the blind bard... Kind of like how Gramps is the (whispers) bald bard."
Hooting ensues as all the children point at her & they shout, "TWOOOOOO BEARS!!! You're gonna get eaten by TWOOOOOO BEARS!!!!"
i flipped shut the book.
i know when to call it a day.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

snow poem

The other night, i couldn't breathe, so up at 2am, i went online & visited my friends blogs. i saw that minerva had another poetry challenge, so bleary eyed - i typed a few lines & hoped that sleep would come... Here is my entry to her snow poem challenge.

"Chinook!" we cry, - anticipating reprieve -
Every gutter straining to empty, streams buckle and weave.
Faces turn skyward - closed eyes ignore dirty slush filled ditches.
We are a city - knowing our relief will soon leave.

Arctic blast brings fresh white snow -
Each flake prettily singing it's mournful solo.
Our eyes open - seeing the cosmic choir -
Baptized in tender tears made crisp - we go.

Hiding inside, we hoard all we might lack -
Firewood comforts us - poised, ready, in her stack.
We surrender ourselves to the season's enchantment.
Awaiting the gentle swish of spring's skirts at our back...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

zion's song...

Awhile ago, i posted this post with the words for a song i wrote during Gagey's pregnancy.
This week, as i was sifting through music to sing at church - i found my little scrap of loose leaf paper with my words scrawled across it & chords crossed out, rearranged & changed. Green & black ink combined as the song took form over a couple of days - the finished product looking like something belonging in the garbage can.
i pulled it out of my folder.
& began to play the intro.
Suddenly, behind me, a little diaper clad boy began to dance.
His tiny arms flung to the sky - his voice gently coaxing out melodies & vowels as he danced.
Gagey's pregnancy was a time where i had to hide my face in the folds of my Father's lap.
My last pregnancy had ended in a heartbreaking miscarriage - & as i neared the end of this pregnancy, my friend -who was my company as we waited for our babies arrivals - our due dates within days of each other - lost her beautiful son.
"and i know that they're in your hand - "
i sang a song of surrender - while wanting to clutch my unborn child to me... Wanting to reach across eternity and return my friend's son to her empty, aching arms. Wanting to wash the sorrow i saw born in her eyes with the birth of her precious firstborn - and replace it with the pride of new motherhood.
"& i know i am safe in your hand -"
He met me in my fear and ministered to my broken heart -
My voice seemed to catch in my throat - my son - my love - my treasure - reminding me that the gift of his little life - of his little voice, of his dancing legs... is from my loving Father - who also measures out heartbreak and loss and sorrow.
One day... one day... all will be made right.
Sounds so simplistic, doesn't it?
But, it's true.
He is trustworthy - & so while i wait - i'll sing Zion's song - Heaven's song - & cling to all that i know to be true about the One i love.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


i thought it was such an extraordinarily large number that nobody would guess that high. i waited a bit for more, but then i fell asleep & woke up to baby having hiccups again at 6am.
So cute.
i feel so contentedly excited for this little one.
And yet - when i think practically - i realize that - i haven't washed my diapers, i don't have sheets and bedding prepared - and if teeny one were born today - there would be no name prepared to announce. Neil still has 2 business trips to go on (he's on one right now) i'm not sure where the number is of my midwife who i'm supposed to call if i go into labour is. i have a half assembled bed in baby's room... making it impossible to move around in - & Gagey still isn't sleeping through the night.
But then i remember...
i can buy diapers, baby will sleep with me, names will get chosen, & daddy will come home. i can look up the number for the midwife, when daddy comes home, he'll help me finish the bed & prepare the room & the story of this little one's arrival & first days will unfold in happy chaos - just like most babies arrivals & first days.
So, in these last couple of weeks, i'll hold together the threads of my life as i'm able - counting the hiccups in the sleepless wee hours. i'll prepare as i'm able - washing tiny diapers, bedding, blankets. i'll hold my breath till Neil comes home for good - trusting that God is weaving the timing. & i'll bask in the sunlight of these expectant days - enjoying these final weeks of being 'just us 2'.

Monday, January 11, 2010

whale watching

People have been asking how i think we managed to get the baby to turn... Luck? Prayer? Chiropractic? Frozen peas? Elephant walking? Laying on the stairs upside down? Neil talking to the bottom of my belly? Using a flashlight? i dunno - but one of the most entertaining parts of trying to get a breech baby to turn has got to be the swimming pool... Lemme tell you about it.
The littles really wanted to go swimming that Sunday... i didn't really... i felt puffy & tired & horribly, embarrassingly grumpy, but i was raised by my mom who never passed up an opportunity to have fun... & so i went.
"i guess i should..." i started.
Neil already looked horrified.
"You're not gonna do a one & a half off the diving board are you?"
i just took it as a compliment that he thinks i could do a one & a half off the diving board...
"Well, if i end up with a c-section, i wanna be able to say i did everything i could..."
He gave me a withering look.
"Neil, if *you* think it's embarrassing to be with me in the pool, imagine *being* me. Do you think i enjoy looking like shamu doing tricks in the pool?"
"Yes. i do." he replied grimly.
In the changeroom, i wriggled my way into my swimsuit & with little ones trailing at my heels, i made my way to the hot tub.
After only moments, the big girls jumped up & said, "OK! We're heading to the diving board now."
Neil was looking a little amused now that he saw how empty the pool was - & how embarrassed i really was. He gave me a little pep talk & i sighed & jumped in the deep end. The water was cold & my belly immediately turned into a hard little ball. i swam a length & at the end i did a few somersaults before getting Cai to hold my feet in the air while i tried to keep myself upside down. Then i swam back to the deep end. This whole time, i didn't feel a single kick or wiggle - my belly felt hard & wouldn't relax at all - i felt goofy & i was sure that nothing was gonna happen. i decided to take a break, & went to the hot tub. Gagey & i walked around on our hands & feet in the hot tub - he was so pleased i was coming up with so many fun games to play... & i felt a teeny kick. After a few minutes, we headed into the smaller, warmer pool & i swam a couple of lengths. i could feel sweet little person starting to wake up - & i decided to try a few more somersaults & handstands. i swallowed my embarrassment & as gracefully as i could, i contorted & squirmed - feeling the baby inside me doing the same thing. At one point, i came out of the water & felt a hard ball on the side of my abdomen... a head? a bum? Either way, transverse was a step in the right direction. i knew that little bump was about to go either down or up, so for good measure i did another flip in the pool & the bump was gone. i tried palpating my own stomach, but my confidence is shot & i wasn't sure i could feel the difference between a bum & a head. Cai gave it a go too - but wasn't confident either.
i decided to call it a day. i think neil could tell i was tired, 'cause he let me go by myself to the changeroom & change out of my whale costume. There was a cute little pregnant girl in the changeroom - she was helping her toddler out of his swimsuit - she hadn't been swimming. i asked her when she was due, & it was only days before me.
Then she asked me if this was my first baby.
i could have kissed her.
That night, at church i described my efforts to a friend. She nodded in agreement - never once insinuating that i was acting like a crazy child... "Oh, believe you me, if i were in your shoes, i'd be doing the same thing!"
i almost kissed her too.
Baby ended up actually turning 3 days later - after my third chiropractic appointment, using the "Webster Technique".
Although i was prepared to advocate for our best care with the possibility that baby was breech, it does feel like a huge load off that teeny one has decided to turn around & come head first.
i still went swimming this past Saturday - but i just enjoyed myself. i let the water hold me up & felt my body become weightless. i swam a couple of laps - feeling my overused muscles relax & my underused muscles get a work out. i played with Gagey in the shallow end & tried to be a little more discreet - tugging at the bottom of my skirt to get better coverage.
Swimming in the 9th month is a little embarrassing - but it's worth it.
ps - i will post the hiccup answer tomorrow.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

guessing game

so, last night i was up at 2:30 am & my baby got the hiccups... my baby gets the hiccups *all the time*. So, since i was awake anyway - i decided to count how many times that little thump hit my left hip.
Any guesses?

Saturday, January 9, 2010

boob jobs & viagra

ya, i'll probably regret writing this post. Maybe i'll get horrible people randomly hitting on my blog from google searches gone awry. Maybe i'll lack the sensitivity to post sensitively ... but this is what's on my mind:
i'm annoyed that i have to delete viagra ads from the comments section of my blog, that these ads permeate televised sporting events and billboards. i'm annoyed that they come straight as spam to my inbox & that my children will likely grow up recognizing the name brands of the various drugs offered to enhance their sexual lives. On the other side of the equation, it bothers me that women feel that their breasts aren't good enough if they're not perfect. i think back to the hippy women in the '60's - burning their bras - & how when i saw pictures from that era when i was a teenager, i thought to myself - "woah, pendulous breasts - pin those suckers up with something..." Maybe those women saw the direction that things were heading (no pun intended) - & that soon it wouldn't be strips of fabric used to keep up outward appearances that gravity has no effect on us - but instead anaesthesia, a sharp knife & plastic balloons.
What is a perfect breast anyway? Nowadays - in our pornography infested society - we have a different version of what looks good to us. Our men are encouraged to lust after phony stereotypes rather than soft, misshapen usefulness. Women are made to feel ashamed of their post baby bodies - & to strive for youthful perfection - knowing the attention of their husband is at stake.
i remember a girl said to me, (lightheartedly), "i don't even want to know what your breasts look like after nursing all those babies..." & i thought to myself, "i don't want you to know either... " but that night, i wondered if i was good enough for the man i love... & if he ever gave a seconds thought to my body's unique trademarks brought on by time and motherhood.
i wonder if my husband will remember that verse from Proverbs..."let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always.." Now, sure it doesn't say that her breasts *can't* be surgically enhanced... but i've always felt like - can't she ever be good enough?
Even after she has lost enough weight to be deemed 'beautiful', her breasts - that were good enough to nourish his babies - sag, and age in the unavoidable motion of life... She is bleached, liposuctioned, filled, covered, bejeweled, scented, enhanced -
& for what?
He can't get it up without a little blue pill anyway?
Maybe i'm tender to this because i'm watching my sweet tender shoots of womanhood traipse out of childhood & into the great unknown. If one day they wear stretch marks - or sagging breasts - or greying hair - as signs of age & wisdom, instead of shameful imperfections - i will have done something right.

Friday, January 8, 2010

i'm with him

We found ourselves after an unforseen turning of events, with an hour to spare with no children... well... there was 1 small child, tucked away, keeping quiet & unseen beneath my black t-shirt... but we were without our normal rambunctious crew.
i looked at Neil... "Where are we going?"
We didn't have much time & i couldn't figure out where he was headed. i was perplexed when we pulled into the mall... As far as i knew, we couldn't get blizzards at the mall...
"You'll see." he said.
We headed in an icy back entrance & i was thankful that i was holding his hand when i slipped on the ice & almost killed myself.
As soon as we stepped through those doors, i realized what with my near-spill, what a mess i must appear, & i nervously yanked on the bottom of my shirt.
The thing about maternity pants is...
i wasn't wearing maternity pants...
i was wearing a "belly band" with normal pants. A belly band is an ingenious little invention that is shaped like a neckwarmer that allows you to walk around with your pants completely undone, while keeping you reasonably covered. i could feel that all was not quite right, & so with one hand, i held onto the bottom of my belly band & with the other tried to hike up the top so that it would better cover my watermellon.
Something still didn't feel quite right - & as we passed a horrified looking asian beauty queen (seriously, she was beautiful), i realized that with one hand i was pulling down my belly band & with the other, i was pulling up my maternity underwear.
Ah, well... live & learn.
i smiled at her - & looked at her awkward pimply faced boyfriend, then i grabbed my handsome husband's hand as he confidently negotiated the obstacles, saying with my eyes, "It's ok if i'm a mess & you just saw my underwear - i'm with him."
Neil never noticed.
We never did find what Neil was looking for (a housecoat for me, but with skinny arms... ) but we got Charter a pair of jeans before we had to rush back out into the cold.
Back into the warm van, i sighed as my pants slipped a little lower than they should.
"i like being with you." i said.
"i like being with you too."
"Yeah. Want a coffee?"
"Nah, i'm good."
& i am.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

6th midwife appointment - peyton's turn

Finally, daddy was available to accompany us to the appointment, so Peyton got on her tuque & hoodie & waited for me by the door.
We were quiet in the van 'cause Neil was on his blackberry - making deals, quoting prices, being friendly... Suddenly, Peyton's laughter would bubble up from the backseat & i turned around to see her wearing earphones & watching the movie "Up".
She's so beautiful when she laughs.
Peyton & i ran into my appointment first 'cause Neil was on the phone & he was going to park. i made her look away as i weighed myself - Neil says that's a weird thing to do - but i don't care... i do it anyway. When we sat down, she seemed kind of solemn, so i whispered in her ear, "What do you think of the art work... do you like it?"
She nodded before even seeing the first print on the wall - & i watched as her hazel eyes connected with the crazy images painted on canvas around the room - & the smile began to curl at her lips... & then her eyes widened & laughter bubbled up & spilled out of her perfect pink mouth.
"Did Cai laugh out loud when she saw that? Did Sloanie? What did Charter SAY??!!"
i giggled too - & we picked our favourites. Hers was a green woman who was a tree with her leg bent up as a branch over her head... impressive for a pregnant chick.
Then we sat on the couch & made funny faces at each other. She was impressed that i can wiggle my ears... Neil flipped through a magazine & Peyton & i shared our own, ooing & awwing at all the cute little babies.
Finally it was our turn.
After talkig briefly with the midwife (the one who i hope gets to catch this baby) - she palpated my belly & i told her about my chiropractor visits & the baby's resulting LOOP-DE-LOOP & she said, "yeh, sure feels like the head is down - waaaaay down."
We listened to the heartbeat - & i caught Peyton's eye - she was grinning like a cheshire cat - loving every minute.
When we left, we held hands 'cause it was slippery. Neil was waiting in the van, already on his phone again. i felt something rising in my chest as we rode in the van on the way home. The feeling seemed to flow through my arms down to my fingertips - travelling down my legs to my puffy little toes.
"Mama, that was fun! i want to go again!"
i'm relieved. She had been so reluctant to go, i wondered if she just needed a little distance in all of this birthing excitement - i can tell by the sparkle in her eye that i was wrong.
There are not many weeks now, till we meet this little baby face to face. Every tiny kick or jab reminds me that this little one is growing bigger and stronger & more & more ready to meet us too. There are so many little friends who are eagerly anticipating baby's arrival...
i recognize the feeling that is now coursing through my veins, making me think crazy thoughts of rolling down my window & hooting out to the icy highway.
It's joy.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Panic set in for no reason today.
But, it was different than it has been in the past... i was able to think through it - i felt like i was watching myself react to a situation - instead of being in the situation.
Nothing happened to set off my panic - it was just this gnawing feeling that "i know" something is wrong... It has happened to me before - & i asked Neil - as i was telling my feelings that they were irrational - if he thought i would get these feelings of panic if i had never lost Caleb.
"Probably not." He answered logically.
It was a strange feeling to be able to identify my feelings so precisely - & to know that they were without foundation... & that the wee one moving in my belly - even during those moments of unforeseen panic, kicking & squirming as if to comfort me - was fine.
& so i decided to enjoy my baby - not allowing fear in - just saying, "Father, this little one is *yours* - Thank you so much for these incredible moments..."
i took out my borrowed fetoscope - & listened to precious beating heart....
& then i did something i hadn't planned on doing today -
i got out all the tiniest sleepers i could find - & did a load of laundry.
In faith, believing that in a month's time - someone will be needing clothes to wear...
i was reminded that there's nothing wrong with *feeling* something... Feelings seem to come upon us, sneaking up behind us to catch us unawares...
It's what we *do* with those feelings.
Letting go - of anger, fear, disappointment... & clinging to the cross.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

happy baby

i had to take Gagey to the Children's Hospital for his post-op follow-up.
It's a long drive & i had the 4 littles as the bigger 2 were babysitting.
We waited for less than 10 minutes, finally being called into a room that was big enough for the 5 of us, plus the doctor.
i like this guy.
As you may or may not know - i'm not usually a big fan of doctors - but this guy puts on no airs, he's frank & honest & confident without being cocky. He must be a father himself because he comes into the room with his hands full of suckers. He looks at Gagey's incision & his vulnerable parts & shows me that things are as they should be & tells me that this is a good sign... but makes no promises until a year post op. Gagey doesn't even flinch, sucking noisily on a green sucker.
As we're about to leave, he points to my belly & says, "y'know, it's good just to be aware that any of your other children have a 12% chance of this same thing - you would recognize it right away if you saw it again..."
We run to the van to avoid the cold, but the fresh air feels good as i chase my little ones.
One more piece of good news - one less niggling worry.
Gagey giggles as he pulls ahead of me.
i happy.

Monday, January 4, 2010

lemme in...

Neil & i had a good conversation over some smartie ice cream the other night.
He made the observation that sometimes parents (in this context, teens, or older children) - don't want to ask questions about the mistakes that they notice their children are making. He said that he wants to be the kind of dad who can say to his child, "Hey, i've noticed this in your life, what's up with that?"
He said he doesn't want to be so afraid of finding out the "horrible truth" that he lets his children slip away.
It reminded us of his dad's reaction when Neil told him i was pregnant for the first time. Neil was only 18, still living at home - he called his dad up to his room & told him what was going on. Later, he told me his dad's reaction... He sat there for a moment & then asked quietly, "Well, son, what do *you* want to do?" When Neil told him that he loved me & wanted to marry me... (i can only imagine how this all felt to his dad...) - his dad said, "Ok, then - let's make this right."
There is no way he could have or would have let his dad in if they didn't have that relationship already in place. A relationship that was built through quiet mornings before work in front of the fireplace, notes written to his boys after they were in bed, a love that went beyond their imperfections & their rebellion.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

i knew he would...

Somewhere, deep in the folds of my brain, i knew he was gonna invite me out to lunch that day. Maybe i sent him a telepathic message. We've been married for almost 14 years, it's gotta be possible by now, right? Maybe he was just on the same wave length as me. Maybe he saw me moving slower than i usually do & knew i needed *him* - alone... not shopping, or cleaning, or doing... just eating lunch.
We sat at a window seat & let the sun beat down on us. It was frigid outside, but with the sun on my arms and face, i felt like i was whisked away to some tropical climate.
The conversation was sparse.
Our time out was brief.
The food was prepared by someone else.
My water was cold, with a wedge of lime.
Inhale, exhale.
My heart still beats faster in his presence.
He held open the door for me & made sure i didn't slip on the ice.
Home again to the 6 little people who cry out my name - rushing to be the first to greet me. Little pantless, wordless boy reaches his arms to me & rests his warm head on my shoulder, allowing his body to be draped around the tiny sibling growing in my belly.
Neil tosses a, 'seeya' over his shoulder as he heads out to his office.
The lovely in the ordinary. The beauty in an understanding. The love built in tiny offerings.
This is marriage.

Friday, January 1, 2010

true dat

Nine things i found to be true in 2009

1.) If neil gets the blues, & he tells me it's not me, it's not me. It's likely the rate of the dollar or the economic slump... Things i hardly ever think of because he takes such good care of us.
2.) My boys create way more ear wax than my girls. i will have to figure out why in 2010.
3.) A 12 passenger van isn't as scary as it looks to drive.
4.) Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
5.) Blogging every day is fun... like eating a little piece of chocolate every day.
6.) i could always 'do more'.
7.) God is a Faithful Father - & He often uses music to draw me closer.
8.) Never say never - my inlaws got their first computer this year.
9.) Having less space because of more people is *good thing*.


Related Posts with Thumbnails