Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Yours

Panic set in for no reason today.
But, it was different than it has been in the past... i was able to think through it - i felt like i was watching myself react to a situation - instead of being in the situation.
Nothing happened to set off my panic - it was just this gnawing feeling that "i know" something is wrong... It has happened to me before - & i asked Neil - as i was telling my feelings that they were irrational - if he thought i would get these feelings of panic if i had never lost Caleb.
"Probably not." He answered logically.
It was a strange feeling to be able to identify my feelings so precisely - & to know that they were without foundation... & that the wee one moving in my belly - even during those moments of unforeseen panic, kicking & squirming as if to comfort me - was fine.
& so i decided to enjoy my baby - not allowing fear in - just saying, "Father, this little one is *yours* - Thank you so much for these incredible moments..."
i took out my borrowed fetoscope - & listened to precious beating heart....
& then i did something i hadn't planned on doing today -
i got out all the tiniest sleepers i could find - & did a load of laundry.
In faith, believing that in a month's time - someone will be needing clothes to wear...
i was reminded that there's nothing wrong with *feeling* something... Feelings seem to come upon us, sneaking up behind us to catch us unawares...
It's what we *do* with those feelings.
Letting go - of anger, fear, disappointment... & clinging to the cross.

2 comments:

Mindy said...

Yes! Cast your cares upon Him; He cares for you...

Prvbs31Mama said...

Paige...I love how you worked through that! The enemy sooo wants to cause fear in you and because your midwife appointment was today when you find out "for sure" if baby turned or not...I bet that was the root of the fear...but regardless, you handled it beautifully and told him where to go as you acting in faith getting those little sleepers ready!
sigh...can't wait to smell new baby!!

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