Panic set in for no reason today.
But, it was different than it has been in the past... i was able to think through it - i felt like i was watching myself react to a situation - instead of being in the situation.
Nothing happened to set off my panic - it was just this gnawing feeling that "i know" something is wrong... It has happened to me before - & i asked Neil - as i was telling my feelings that they were irrational - if he thought i would get these feelings of panic if i had never lost Caleb.
"Probably not." He answered logically.
It was a strange feeling to be able to identify my feelings so precisely - & to know that they were without foundation... & that the wee one moving in my belly - even during those moments of unforeseen panic, kicking & squirming as if to comfort me - was fine.
& so i decided to enjoy my baby - not allowing fear in - just saying, "Father, this little one is *yours* - Thank you so much for these incredible moments..."
i took out my borrowed fetoscope - & listened to precious beating heart....
& then i did something i hadn't planned on doing today -
i got out all the tiniest sleepers i could find - & did a load of laundry.
In faith, believing that in a month's time - someone will be needing clothes to wear...
i was reminded that there's nothing wrong with *feeling* something... Feelings seem to come upon us, sneaking up behind us to catch us unawares...
It's what we *do* with those feelings.
Letting go - of anger, fear, disappointment... & clinging to the cross.