Thursday, September 22, 2011

It's Friday tomorrow...

Funny - my second Friday is the first time i felt like quitting. 
People that i love are hurting, my baby boys have been sleeping horribly, i clung to Neil like never before - weepy, aching and defeated.  i felt powerless to take away anyone's agony - and at 11:30 - i thought of giving up...
But i didn't...

Texting back and forth with my mom, she said, "Neither on the mountain or in the temple... in spirit and in truth..."

i replied, "Yes... that's not to say He won't ever ask you to go to the mountain or the temple though, He's saying it's about the internal.. Sometimes an outward expression of the internal is what will bring Him glory... Or pleasure?  It's not required... it's offered.  If He wants me to kneel in my kitchen, throw my hands over my face, or go to my church to pray... i wanna do that."

i want to take this tiny step of faith - and offer up this outward symbol of submission. 
i listened to that small nudge that suggested i was onto something with this change in posture, and i shoved my feet into flip flops, grabbed my keys and headed to the church. 
The 15 minutes felt like forever - opening my heart to the One i love - allowing Him to speak Truth and to minister to my spirit....
"Meet me, Father..."
There was no magical ease as i turned the key in the ignition and headed homeward.  The difficult remained difficult - the sick remained sick - the broken remained broken... but i cling still to Him - listening, watching, waiting, hoping, trusting...
The shame still hits this week, "Paige, you are doing something useless and foolish..." - the thought makes my cheeks burn.
But i still wanna be willing. 

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Paige, you are not doing something useless or foolish, but I know the feeling. I've been going to church early each week and praying for the pastors, staff, teachers, kids, members, visitors etc and I often feel like an idiot. It's a lie from the pit of hell though. The Lord hears our prayers and wants us to be in relationship with him in this way. He wants YOU to bring families and relationships and your community before Him. He is leading and you are following and you are such a strong example to alot of others of what it means to be obedient even when it's out of your comfort zone. I appreciate you.

Nikki

Melissa said...

Why "shame", Paige? What you are doing is so beautiful and heart-changing... and there's nothing shameful about what the Father does in our hearts. Don't listen to the lies...

Anonymous said...

ugh- my comment just got deleted. I think I feel your frustration.... here it goes again...

I agree with the other 2 commenters. Keep praying. Often when we feel its "dumb or useless" etc. that is when it really counts, things are getting ready to change or are changing. You are contending for it. The opposition is fighting for them to stay the same and to distract you.

Stay strong, love and prayers,
Carlee

mamalena said...

Don't be discouraged Paige. What you are doing is important and beautiful.

jessica jespersen said...

not useless... obedience and humility is priceless and rare... eyes, ears, heart, soul... focussed on the audience of one. it's beautiful. -j

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