Thursday, September 15, 2011

choose love

His indignant little cry rouses me almost immediately.  i throw back the corner of my blankets, careful not to wake sunshine boy who sleeps between neil & i - & run to bonus boy's room. 
He's. so. cute. 
Lately, neither he nor his 3 year old brother have been sleeping much - and it has been a marathon of sleep deprivation these last weeks, but as i walk into his room, and behold his tiny self standing sorrowfully in the middle of the room, my heart softens, and i sigh - scooping him up in my arms. 
It's dark - but the light from the street lamps outside illuminate just the outline of my little one - in his elephant jammie bottoms and the tiniest muscle shirt known to man. 
He cries and cries... i shush and pat and comfort...
People think that because i've had seven children, i know how to do this perfectly - they assume i've got this mama thing down pat... They assume wrong. 
i'm just as inept as i ever was - singing, praying out loud, "Oh, God - let me sleep!" and begging my tiny one to surrender to slumber. 
He kicks and thrashes and i grab his little legs to stop them from pummelling me and in my impatience, i grab too hard. 
"Huuuuurrrrrt!" he cries - and i want to cry with him. 
& as i run my hands over his tiny form in the bed next to me - i'm overcome. 
He's still so small. 
i choose love - again and again and again... i choose love.  i kiss him, nuzzling my face into his damp cheeks and sweaty fuzzy head. 
"Oh, honey - mama's sorry - mama loves you.  Let's rest now - let's snuggle and sleep..."
i offer a cup of cold water - and after a little drink, he falls into restless unconsciousness. 
This morning, i felt groggy... He was up before anyone else in the house, and i lay on his bed like a zombie while he prattled around, playing with toys, pulling my hair, breathing in my face.
Tiny, tender one... He won't be little for long. One day he will sleep through the night - and won't cry out for his mama.
And then  i'll be glad that i chose love. 

Tomorrow is Friday.  i'm so ready...


Mandy said...

Ah yes! Mine is now sleeping through most nights but I am so glad that I rocked and held and snuggled through those quiet alone times during night! I didn't always feel like it though! Leaning so heavily on the Father to carry me through the next school day takes so much trust. I could do it much better on my own if I had sleep! I guess that was the point!

Sara L said...

oh those sleepless nights are so exausting. I have one that until about 3 months ago she was up every night. And not just... up, snuggle, go back to sleep. It was up, scream, fuss, thrash, fuss, drink, potty, scream... you get the idea... in my desperation to find out what was causing this little one to be so uncontented (super busy and cranky during the day too) I brought her to dr after dr... and finally figured it out on my own this spring. (shes close to 5 now!) She's had a yeast infection. I had no idea little ones could get that. She's like a different child now... But I know that feeling of exaustion. Where it almost feels like your bones are shaking. I pray you'll get some sleep soon! Do you know what wakes him?

ps- I've been thinking about your niece now and praying for her...

Mandy said...

Sara L, I would love to know how you went about getting rid of your little one's yeast infection! I suspect my 4 year old is full of yeast but don't know what route to take to clear it up!!

lovefam6 said...

It is a choice, and I'm glad you modeled how to choose love. Those first 5-10 sec, how thoughts are so far from love, but yet... I don't know. How can you choose anything but love?


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