i can't believe i'm blogging about this.
After all these years - to expose the bloodiest, most hurting, gaping, open wound... in the most honoured, revered adored spot in my life - my marriage... To point out the single thing that has stretched me most as a wife in all of our 15 years of marriage - the thing that continues to stretch me still, the thing that causes me to flinch - in my reflex to protect it.
But i wanna write about it too... i want my children to understand that it's not always easy to see what He wants us to do... how He wants us to react... how He'll allow us to grow.
So, i'm going to write this post - and pray that allowing this vulnerability isn't foolishness...
We don't have unity.
There i said it out loud. There were years i prayed, cried out to God - in frustration and sadness - to give us unity in our marriage... to give us a single mind when it came to children... to either take away my desire and deeply held conviction - or to give it to Neil.
God didn't do that.
It doesn't matter *why* He chose not to do it... He's God - He gives, He takes - he chooses not to give... Blessed be his Name. But, i think maybe - i'm ready to write about the things that do matter.
Regarding children in the protestant church, there is no clear teaching... We give lip service to the truth that, "children are a blessing." But aside from saying those words, there is little in our actions (as a whole) that speak to that truth. And so it's not surprising that Neil and i found ourselves at a cross roads where the answers weren't in black and white. We were told it was a matter of taste, so to speak - of convenience and opinion... This casual teaching changed our marriage.
For us? We're one of the blessed ones... marriage has been easy. Neil is funny, kind, hard working and generous. i'm pretty easy going, and i have a strong desire to do what's right... we're both the babies in our families - and once we got married, fights between us were few & far between. We had an unwritten rule... whoever it mattered to the most, won. Our houses and vehicles mattered to Neil - so i bit my tongue and let him choose. i wanted to homeschool - he raised his eyebrows... and then from that moment, has offered the words of praise and encouragement that have kept me going. He golfs, i blog, we both love art and music... Easy.
And then... suddenly... something mattered to us both... something so impacting and life changing that we couldn't ignore it. We were at an impasse. i wanted to remain open to life; and he didn't.
At this point, i know that a lot of my readers might be thinking, 'But that's pretty easy - don't you know that verse: "Wives, submit to your husbands..."?? Clearly you had no business questioning his choice in this matter.'
In all honesty, i have meditated on that scripture - and i love it... i love the truth it contains, and i love it's clear direction and beautiful simplicity. But i think it has been twisted and misrepresented to mean something that it does not mean. i have begun to wonder if maybe women have used that verse as a cop out... allowing their husbands to wrestle out their faith for them - rather than using the blood bought gift of a direct relationship with God - to allow Him to work out their faith in them too.
Two other passages that stood out for me during that time were the parable of the persistent widow in Luke 18 and the proverb about the quarrelsome wife in Proverbs 27. i couldn't decide which i was.... was i 'persistent' - in seeking justice and longing to be heard? Or was i nagging and quarrelsome - like a leaking faucet? i have probably been both... in retrospect - doing the best that i could, with what understanding i had...
My husband, when he asked for advice, was given the same verse from Ephesians 5, and told that he could choose what he thought best and that it was my job to submit to it. For the record, i think this was lazy counsel. It's only partly true. If those friends truly wanted to be a voice of truth in our marriage, they would have talked about the passage as a whole - and because i wasn't there... they would have focused on the part that directly addresses husbands: 'Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her' (sacrificially). They would have challenged him to love harder - even if that didn't ultimately mean having more children... his job... first and foremost - was to act in a loving way. Beautiful.
As a result of my husband's intuitive love - and my submission -as well as our mutual respect and submission (Ephesians 5:21), our family isn't all clean lines and rules. We have more children than we would have had... We also have less than we could have had... We've given - we've accepted - we've bent, stretched... we've talked, we've fought and cried.
It's beautiful. It's this messy open wound that keeps me intentional about loving my husband. It's this embarrassing lack of unity - that has served to show us how little other things matter to us - & that has ultimately - ironically - brought us *more unity* in almost every other issue. It's this stretching - and giving - the bending and aching - that brought us to this delicate place - that deepened our love and leaves us grateful.
Unity? It's like this beautiful utopic dream... one that i still hope and pray for, but less desperately - and more peacefully now.
i want to honour God with my marriage - (which incidentally, is the most precious gift He has ever given me...) and *this* - is where He has brought me to do that.
Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart, be pleasing in Your sight, Father... my Rock - and my Redeemer...
from psalm 19:
12But who can discern their own errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then I will be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.
14 May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.
24 comments:
You are brave and so honest. Reading your words helps me look at myself. You challenge me.
I feel like I should stand up on my kitchen table and shout, O Captain my Captain!;-)
Lx
love. love. love. perhaps my favorite of all the posts you've ever written.
oops...the above was from me. didn't realize ben was signed in. :-)
This was good. *so good*.
I bet you were a bit nervous while pressing 'post' :) but I'm sure you wrote & rewrote this one for months....
Thanks for this.
j - it has been on my heart & mind for years... & it has been sitting there as a draft for a few days... Neil read it & gave me his blessing to post.
Thank you, all - for seeing how *big* this little post is for me..
I really love and appreciate this post. Thank you.
Let me assure you that you are not alone in this specific impasse. I know the grief of having my husband go for surgery after our third "without unity", blessing, or peace on my part. Ultimately i've come to realize that letting marriage sanctify us, make us more like Christ, and love each other better (even sacrificially) is more important than how many babies we help create. I love babies and wanted a large family, my husband was "done" at 2 but over the years we've compromised, changed, loved, and recently opened up our lives to a new and exciting chapter of our lives (adoption). I think in many Christian circles children and how many we can have almost becomes an idol..a source of pride, legalism, or self righteousness. It isn't black and white. It would be so much easier if it were ;)Children are a blessing but they are not the only way God blesses. If we start to worship the idea of our own full quiver we suggest that people with only two blessings have less of God's favor or acceptance, or those who are infertile are cursed. That being said. I feel your struggle! I've been there SO many times..with pregnancies, with wanting to foster parent, and dreaming of adoption. Thankyou for being so raw and real with the messy stuff marriage is sometimes made of. :)
I love that you had Neil read it and that he approved it.
That shows your love & commitment in your marriage and that you are both open & sensitive to the topic and especially to each other.
You guys rock!
"I think in many Christian circles children and how many we can have almost becomes an idol..a source of pride, legalism, or self righteousness. It isn't black and white. It would be so much easier if it were ;)Children are a blessing but they are not the only way God blesses. If we start to worship the idea of our own full quiver we suggest that people with only two blessings have less of God's favor or acceptance, or those who are infertile are cursed."
Funny - i already had something similar to this in my 'hard blog ideas' folder. i just want to point out - that this hasn't been a part of our particular struggle - it *has* been something that many people have brought up - or suggested to me over the years - which i find puzzling and sometimes frustrating... :) But that's probably a whole 'nother 'tough topic'...
Thanks for your comments, Carla :)
Carla, I really like your thoughts. I find I focus far too much on the number, and not the blessings that each one are. Obviously there is far more to it than that, but on *my* very surface this is an issue.
Oh and Paige, i'm glad you posted. I think its *so* important to share those hard things, cause how are we to learn and grow if we keep them hidden and secret. And besides sometimes just a post like this can help other people. Lots of love!
*love* this P! you are so brave to write the HARD posts & lay yourself bare before others, especially on the things that are so dear to your heart . . . love that you are willing to follow the still, small Voice instructing you to do so :)
Since I had my kids so late, "how many" was never the issue ... but I have had a similar struggle with deciding whether to go through with my scheduled hysterectomy... don't really want it but told it is best... I suppose my question would be, "What # would be enough for you?" Maybe it is simply a case of the womb is never satisfied! I struggle with the everyday issues with two and can't imagine dealing with 7! I'm just glad you got your "bonus boys" -- and Neil eventually agreed to be open to have "more" after Mollen! I kind of think of Isobel as my "bonus" child - with the 6 yr gap between her and her older brother, she's the child I never thought I'd have. And so happy, full of life, eager to please and joyful. A bonus all round.
Saskatchewan Cousin
As a relatively new reader of your blog, I just have to comment that this is such a difficult topic for me, too. After talking with friends, I think that some of the difficulty lies when our husbands are focused on providing for our growing families, but God has given most of us ladies an innate desire for children. I kind of thought it would diminish after baby #4, but, lol, I think its getting worse. I feel more desirous than ever! Love, love your blog, your heart for God, and your pics of your gorgeous family.
yeh - the 'how many' has never been the issue for us :) (much to Neil's chagrin - he feels like a number would be easier to negotiate with - or come to terms with...)
For me, the desire has always been - to let the chips fall where they may... let babies come when they come - and then let them stop when they stop. i can totally see why this a tough one to even contemplate... We both remember me changing after i lost Caleb... i remember singing that song, "i surrender all" - and feeling a niggling conviction - that i trusted Him with the baby i lost, but did i trust Him with the babies He would give too? It grew from a conviction - to a desire :)
Erin - Thanks for your comment too! Glad to know i'm not alone :)
"I think in many Christian circles children and how many we can have almost becomes an idol..a source of pride, legalism, or self righteousness. It isn't black and white. It would be so much easier if it were." Thank you, Carla. You took the words right out of my mouth.
The mother of nine children once told me that my husband and I should leave our family planning to God to give us a quiver full. What she didn't know was that I totally agreed with her, but had just had surgery for Stage 4 endometriosis and was told that getting pregnant would be difficult at best, impossible at worst. I was devastated by both the doctor's words, and hers. I also knew that my husband only wanted two children, even if we were able to conceive.
God did choose to allow us the miracle of birth and after babies 1 and 2, God changed my husband's heart to allow #3, then #4.
Between #s3 and 4 I prayed in anguish, "God, you have to change either my heart or my husband's. I want to leave this in your hands but my husband is finished." I clearly "felt" God respond and told me I'd know I was finished when I had a girl. Knowing my husband was done, I believed #4 would be a girl. Imagine my surprise when it was another boy. So, I pondered those words in my heart. In the intervening years, I again felt God speak these words to me, followed by the phrase, "And her name will be Eden." Four years later, my husband did open up his heart to #5 who was a girl, Eden Joy. Even though the desire was still there, I knew we were finished; God had given me His word.
But in God's great mercy, we weren't completely finished. We opened up our home to foster care and were able to adopt child #6 and just recently we welcomed child #7.
God grows our families in so many different ways. He asks us to trust Him, and to seek Him, and to submit all of ourselves to Him. Not out of piety or self-righteousness, but out of submission to His perfect plan.
Paige, this speaks so clearly to where we are right now, too... we don't have unity. I am open to more children; he isn't. How do you ultimately "choose"? How do you surrender that part? How do you love when there IS this big gaping, open wound?
While I can't see my way to having another baby right now, I also can't say 'no', and not out of some sort of pride or self-righteousness...
I can't choose "no more". My heart isn't there - to say, 'we're done', but my husband's is. It's heartbreaking - not so much over the number of children, but because there's that unreconcilable difference. "Submit to your husbands," - "husbands, love your wives"...
Hard for both of us to know what that looks like in this situation.
Thanks for posting what was undoubtedly a difficult post.
mel - thanks for understanding.
Y'know what? It *is* hard... i guess we never thought living out our Christian faith would be easy though, did we.. :)
i'm going to be praying for you. i mean that.
As far as choosing 'no'... i don't think you have to. Remaining open to life is a heart attitude - (like some other women have pointed out on here).... i may never have the opportunity to live out my heart... but my Jesus sees it...
We're not there yet I guess but I often wonder what will happen when we are. I asked Mark once how many children he was open to having and he kinda looked at my like I was silly and said "well, we'll just take it one at a time, won't we?". That was a little shock to my planner tendencies. I like to envision my life before it happens. Sometimes I wake up and laugh at how Mark's changed me...always keeping me from getting ahead of myself. But what will happen when someday he decides something... or I do. And what happens if they aren't the same thing. Right now his eyes light up at the idea of a new baby growing(or maybe it's a little at the making aspect as well) but what will happen when someday they don't. I pray we can handle it with such faith and Grace as you.
Lola - i'm with your Mark. I can trust enough for *today* :) - When i think long term, i think i would have been a teeny (lot) bit scared to think seven deliveries, seven children - how on earth is that done? And yet, it's been so beautiful and natural, and good, and God planned and exactly what i would have wanted, had i known i'd want it :)...
It is hard to think "I am making this decision for all eternity, and the number is....X" - so much easier to say "Here is my heart. Here is my body. Bless us with children, leave me barren, but i will love you Lord and follow Your voice today..."
I am so proud of you for writing this!!! I've been away from the blogs for awhile and have read through your last 5 posts and WOW. Thank you (and Neil) for sharing the most intimate struggle that you two face in having a cohesive and unified marriage. I love your heart Paige. I love your entire family! How I wish I lived next door =(
I can totally see where you're coming from on this issue. My marriage also lacks unity, but in a different way. I'm a firm believer in Christ; my husband couldn't care less if God existed.
However, I was sort of hoping to hear why Neil is closed to having more children. Does he feel strained or overwhelmed by by the responsibility of handling so many little ones? Does he feel that the children are encroaching on your time to bond as a couple? If so, I'd think these are valid concerns. Your desire to have more children is just as valid, but with 7 already in the world, do you really feel you are missing out on something by not having another? What would your husband miss out on if you had another? In theory, Neil can always buy bigger houses and cars for the kids, but he can't buy more hours to share with a bigger family. Just my thought.
I read this a few days ago and have been musing on it... This has been an area of struggle for us too. I've shared with you about that. But my thing now is, I agree with letting babies come when they may, but... seriously, I would be having a baby ever 12 months. Nursing doesn't work for me. I don't feel I could be a good mother to who I have if I did that. Now, is that narrow minded? Perhaps... We've both come to peace with naturally preventing pregnancy (basically following dates, not even temp, too much work) and if babies come, then they come. So far, I'm super happy that my youngest will be 1 next week and I'm not yet pg. I'm guessing that in due time, our method won't work, and then.. wala! But in my struggle, I prayed about it, and I felt God told me that he gave women predictable cycles for a reason. Because I felt like I was a victim of it, at times. I'm rambling... anyways. Blessings to you on this journey, you are blessed indeed to have a good marriage to work this through with!
i hear you, April - but i think 'reasons' all fall under the header of things that don't matter. People might take his side - or mine... & that helps little or nothing. i don't mind saying that it's not about money on his side & it's not about pride on mine :)
Interesting - in real life i have had some people ask me about this post - saying, "So, i read your post - there's dis-unity, what's the resolution?"
The resolution is... that there isn't resolution. The resolution is that in this, i am determined to let love win - and to do my best to heed the Still Small Voice - wherever it takes me from day to day.
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