Peyton again declined attending - insisting she was waiting for daddy to be able to come, so Cai quickly volunteered to take her place.
The roads were full of slush as our deep freeze had finally ended & we were granted a small reprieve from the bone chilling winter of the week before.
We talked about the appointment to come & the excitement of another little baby entering our home.... & then we drove in silence for a bit.
"Mom, are miscarriages hereditary?"
i immediately felt guilty - for losing my babies & also for giving my daughter a reason to be afraid.
"i don't think that's the case with me, honey... Granny & Gam never lost any babies - & neither did auntie Nancy or auntie Jessie - maybe it's a combination of your daddy & me... i don't know..."
She wanted to know about my aunties & grandma who had lost babies - i told her their names & we got so distracted in remembering these little ones that i drove right past the clinic. i turned the van around & we parked.
Cai walked inside like she belonged there.
"i love this artwork!" She exclaimed over the floating bellies & breasts.
She ran over to the display of organic teas & read all the titles of the books available, finally settling down next to me as i read a chapter from "Baby Catcher" that i decided to take home. On impulse i grabbed my favourite prep book for childbirth, "Spiritual Midwifery" too & signed them out at the desk to borrow till my next appointment.
Finally they called my name & we went into the little room.
We talked about the progress of my pregnancy & about how little one has been so active as of late - i told the midwife i was sure babe had been trying to turn to a vertex position over the weekend & i was fairly certain we had success.
After palpating my belly for a few minutes, she grunted, "nope, baby is still breech - here, feel this way - you can tell that that is a little bum in your pelvis & a little head in your ribcage..."
i could feel my heart growing heavy with disappointment. i was almost 34 weeks... Would baby turn in time? We listened to the teeny thumping heartbeat... & drove home... thoughtful & hopeful...
i want to be honest...
When i was pregnant with Gagey i struggled with anxiety throughout my entire pregnancy. i couldn't watch my little ones going off the diving board, or riding their bikes. Each night, i had nightmares & terrifying images flooded my mind - regardless of how much i prayed or thanked God for the little boy growing inside. i prayed, even during Gage's pregnancy, that if God would ever bless us with another baby, would He please spare me the anxiety? & He was faithful to do just that. My pregnancy this time 'round has been so peaceful... but on my drive home & in the moments & days since my appointment - i feel that anxiousness trying to creep back in. Letting it go is such a struggle for me...
& that's where i'm at... for real.