It was at 3:30am that sunshine boy awoke with a start & started calling for me.
i got up & snuggled with him for a few minutes & he settled down again.
i crept back to bed & maybe 10 minutes later, he was crying again, so i went & brought him into our bed to snuggle between us.
i hoped that i would be able to go right back to sleep, but apparently since it's 5:21 now, i couldn't.
3:30 am, i have found, isn't the best time to go over in your mind your failings as a mother...
"oh, man - i need to make them floss more..."
"is that growth curve normal?"
"worst case scenario: her writing never improves... will she be ok?"
"would they be better off in school?"
"is that character flaw something i should point out gently? Or should i just watch it & try to encourage change..."
"why did i do so much of X with that child - & not do it at all with that other child..."
"if i had spent more time helping them, they wouldn't be struggling now."
i tried praying over each one in my head - asking God to help me be the best mama that i can be for each of these little ones as they grow - but i couldn't turn off that little list that kept ticking off the areas that are weak.
& so it went until i was so full of angst that i just gave up & left my room with the 3 boys in it sleeping peacefully & made my way down to the kitchen to eat an apple & blog my insecurities.
i don't have a magical solution for mama guilt.
i sure wish i did.
i'd take a huge dose myself & then share it with all my friends.