Thursday, April 22, 2010

3:30 am

It was at 3:30am that sunshine boy awoke with a start & started calling for me.
i got up & snuggled with him for a few minutes & he settled down again.
i crept back to bed & maybe 10 minutes later, he was crying again, so i went & brought him into our bed to snuggle between us.
i hoped that i would be able to go right back to sleep, but apparently since it's 5:21 now, i couldn't.
3:30 am, i have found, isn't the best time to go over in your mind your failings as a mother...
"oh, man - i need to make them floss more..."
"is that growth curve normal?"
"worst case scenario: her writing never improves... will she be ok?"
"would they be better off in school?"
"is that character flaw something i should point out gently? Or should i just watch it & try to encourage change..."
"why did i do so much of X with that child - & not do it at all with that other child..."
"if i had spent more time helping them, they wouldn't be struggling now."
i tried praying over each one in my head - asking God to help me be the best mama that i can be for each of these little ones as they grow - but i couldn't turn off that little list that kept ticking off the areas that are weak.
& so it went until i was so full of angst that i just gave up & left my room with the 3 boys in it sleeping peacefully & made my way down to the kitchen to eat an apple & blog my insecurities.
i don't have a magical solution for mama guilt.
i sure wish i did.
i'd take a huge dose myself & then share it with all my friends.

8 comments:

Jen said...

P- I'd say you are a keener for blogging so early.
And then I'm sure you organized all your teaching material for the day then made everyone bacon & eggs for breakfast.
I don't think any momma gets away from those guilty feelings. Especially when you have a broken leg.
Hugs.

mamalena said...

Do you remember Neil Anderson saying that 3AM is the Devil's hour? I think that's true...and I think sometimes he wakes us up on purpose to feed us all those lies and wreck our sleep. Go read Jessie's post about your children being Father's workmanship....it's good. But anyhow...you are doing a great Job as Father's trustee....

Anonymous said...

I agree, Paige. You are really doing an awesome job. I totally know how you feel and often when I am going to bed or drifting off to sleep I feel the same guilt and thoughts, but when I wake in the morning and the day starts, I see they were all irrational and not half as bad as I was feeling. It is definitely the devil attacking.
I was woken at 3am last night too!
You've done the best thing you could ever do by giving your children over to God completely, and THAT is really scary for your enemy. Don't let those feelings of doubt and guilt get to you, put them at the feet of Jesus, and He will finish the great work He has started in you and your children and children's children:) YAY!!

Read over in your bible and decree who you and your children(family) are in Christ at those times too. It will comfort you and be your strength.

Carlee

Lisa said...

Carlee is wise!
I can totally relate though.

Prvbs31Mama said...

yup, awesome words Carlee! I love listening to my Decree CD when I'm having a down day like that. I was awake at 3:30 this morning too, but instead of being attacked mentally I was being attacked physically...my sugars were low..lol
Paige, you ARE such a wonderful mom! Your kids are amazing and I think you all rock!

Denise said...

For a long time I was awake almost every night during the wee hours. However, lately as life has "settled down" I am awake less worrying in the night. Everything looks so much better when you actually get some sleep (and I know that's hard with a new baby and all).

I don't think it matters who you are -- you always wish you could be a better role model for your kids... and then something happens and it makes me realize I am doing the best I can and it is okay.

This week Alisdair had an assignment on teamwork and this is what he wrote:

I have bean involved in "Teamwork®" here is one great example of when I do so. When I do dishes my mom (or as I spell it mum) washes with washing up liquid and I dry with a cloth. I also get into some great conversations while I dry. My mum and I have great fun talking about something such as feelings on a specific topic . When one person washes and one dries them it's one great example of teamwork.

I never realized until I read his paragraph about how much those little chats actually meant...

And that made me aware that I need to try to "seize the teachable moments" in everyday life...

Keep up the good work... they'll survive (whether they excel at creative writing or if they floss or if they are only four feet tall as adults!) Other, more important, things are what truly count! And count for eternity...

Saskatchewan Cousin

Anonymous said...

paige...you got me thinking about the solution to "mama guilt" as you called it and i couldn't help but think about the Father. and it seems to me that the question "who is my God?" comes into play here. if i look at myself how can i help but have guilt cause i'm terribly broken and unable and weak. yet if i look to my Abba than how can i help but have freedom from guilt. because although He entrusted them to me utimately He is one who finishes the work He has already started in each of my children. and although it's so important to constantly evaluate how i'm doing as a mama my Father says i am free. He knows i'm but dust and He's okay with that. and if He is than i better be too. i am free to fail at times. my failure doesn't scare the Father. He is absolutely amazing at bringing about sweet and beautiful character through my failings. character in me. but character in my children too. it's good. so paige...don't be afraid...cause you're doing a beautiful thing...with your lovely little ones. and they will be blessed through you in ways you can't imagine. i am so proud of the job you're doing!

fawne

jessica jespersen said...

It seems like the end of the school year... or after Christmas, i get hit hard with the same kinds of agonizing guilt and worry. It's nice sometimes to get away just me and Curt and pour it all out. (At a restaurant so i'm not tempted to cry.) :) The close relationships you have with each of your children is something rare and precious...and it points to time spent on worthy treasures. Store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven...*smooches* love you p. -j

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