Someone asked me a question - & it resonated with me & so i decided to post my response here & maybe it will strike a chord with one of you.
The question (rephrased in my own words) was in response to my blogpost that you can read here. i was asked if in some way, i've ever wished that Caleb or Hope could've had the time to cross some of those imaginary lines - so that maybe other people could have more grace for the grief process, more understanding, & so that their lives would be honored by more people for having reached a certain stage.
Here is my response:
Funny – i have thought about that - *but* - i know that God took them at the exact right moment... Maybe partly to make me *aware* of the disparity in our compassion for losses at different stages? i do know that when i lost hope – i told God i was so grateful to Him that baby was far enough along that i could see the little person who i had wanted so much to mother.
Hope was tiny.
Like, the size of the top of my pinky finger. i could see tiny (& by tiny, i mean like thread-like) arms and legs... Just incredible. Hope’s little eyes were there – but seemed in the wrong place still – y’know what i mean? i think it was a very special gift from God that i got to see that little person’s sweet frame at *that* very precious, tender stage of pregnancy. i feel the same way about Caleb.
i felt such a fierce protectiveness after baby Hope was born, that i didn’t want to even show neil. We had taken pictures (2 & one is blurry) of Caleb - & they were always precious to me... but i knew i wasn’t going to take pictures of Hope... When Neil asked me to see baby’s body – i was terrified – that he would say the wrong thing and crush me – or that he wouldn’t be tender enough. It was a huge leap for me to be able to show him – in silence – our little one. He looked at hope & then he said, “it’s amazing the difference just those few weeks made between Caleb & Hope isn’t it?”
& it wasn’t the wrong thing to say. He remembered our little son - & we got to share our other tiny child together for just those few minutes... and i’m glad i trusted him.
i know it’s very hard for mamas to go through miscarriage & never ever get to see the little person – i prayed constantly from the time i knew i was going to miscarry till Hope came, that i wouldn’t miss that little body. i researched on the internet so i would know how big baby would be – from the u/s i knew that baby would measure about 10.5 weeks. God was gracious, wasn’t He?
i have no doubt at this stage in the game that each and every one of our baby’s days were ordained by the Creator - & that He has a purpose and a plan – even in their home-coming...