flashback

i remember as clear as if it was yesterday - after giving birth & catching my breath, being wheeled down the hallway of the hospital to a recovery room.
i felt awake, alert, alive...
and oh,
so...
happy.
The nurses had wrapped him up as snug as a bug in a little blanket with a teeny toque on his head & i was snug as a bug in a clean nightie & housecoat...
and he was in my arms -
instead of in my belly.
i looked at him & he was *perfect*.
i felt a crazy person laughter rising in my throat as i held him & met each person's eyes as we walked down that hallway.
They couldn't avert their eyes from mine after that first contact... each had to smile at my insane face filled with joy & offer their congratulations. My smile was out of control, i'm sure they could count every one of my molars - my cheeks ached - but i couldn't stop my face from reflecting my heart's rapture.
i felt like i could leap from that chair at any moment... (i couldn't... haha) and scream, laughing, "LOOK AT HIM!!! We've been waiting for him for so long & now he's here!!! Isn't he BEAUTIFUL??!!" But somehow, i held myself back.
When we arrived at my room, & i eased myself onto my bed, the nurse offered to move my little boy into his little prepared bassinet.
Maybe i growled... Maybe she just knew enough not to touch him... They slid shut the curtains & i laid him beside me & drank him in. i wrapped & unwrapped him & counted his fingers and examined his perfect tiny toes... i whispered crooning words of love into his sleepy ears and touched his soft downy head.
Each day since then, God has been gracious enough to refresh that little flashback into my mind. A year and a half later, when i tuck his sweet head onto my shoulder & carry him to his little bed - i remember that wonder, and that gratitude that i felt that very first day.
Each one of my little ones has brought with them some memories - some flashbacks - that refresh my momma heart & remind me to be grateful...
Today's took my breath away.