paddling out to sea

Do you ever think about what it means to be 'wrestling out your faith with fear and trembling'?
i wrote this post recently when neil was away - (don't worry, gramma - i'm trying not to tell the world exactly when he's gone...)
i almost didn't post it because it was such a strange, seemingly unprovoked post, but i'm gonna post it anyway. Sometimes i think my subconscious longs for my Father in ways that my conscious mind would be likely to turn off... and it leaves me hungry for Truth - and aching for Home. i don't often understand my dreams - and i dream every. single. night... But, my dreams usually leave me with an inkling - it's like an aftertaste - or a waft of a familiar scent - that leaves me puzzling.
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i'm in a dangerous mood.
Have you ever felt your insecurities catch up to you - finding you undefended, and unprepared?
When this happens to me, i often have one of several recurring dreams... Last night i felt the dream coming on, even before my mind was fully asleep. i was alone, at dusk, paddling out into a vast body of water before immersing myself and swimming down to the dark depths where there is peace. In my dreams, i don't lack oxygen - and all around the ocean floor are small tornado like funnels reaching up all the way to the surface of the water. One time, in a dream, i took a sip of air from one of them - but it would almost rip your face off, the force of that funnel - it's like sticking your head out the window of the vehicle as you speed down the highway... so i don't sip breaths from them anymore. i paddled benignly around seeking the darkest, quietest - deepest places and felt familiarity at every turn and was comforted in my solitude.

Suddenly i was torn from my safe place - and i landed in the middle of a farmer's field. i wasn't alone any longer - and my carefree swim gave way to back breaking labour. i was wearing jeans and rubber boots and i was sweating through my t-shirt as i worked with other women to free a giant tractor that was stuck in the muck. i put all my body weight into the task, and felt my boots slip in the mud underneath me. The rubber from the tires seemed to bite into my shoulders as i pushed, and only felt myself move. My friends all around me, found places to lean their bodies against the beast and pushed with me. Suddenly - i wondered if i felt - just the slightest bit of movement - did we somehow gain some traction in this sea of wet earth?

In that moment, it was like a camera panned out - and i could see the tractor for it's true size - and i shuttered at the pointlessness. The tire was so huge that i was like a pebble sitting almost underneath it - shadowed completely by it's enormity...

Could it be that we had moved that behemoth... in any perceptible measure?

i awoke this morning in a dangerous mood.

i feel emotional - but too tired to wrestle it out with fear and trembling. i feel too tired to pick a fight - but unwilling to give in to complacency... even my wonderings are non specific, pictures of what i believe - and what i can't believe... sifting what i've been told with truth and finding differences...

i wish neil were home... my grounding force.