My oldest is only 14... so it's a little early for this flavour of a post...
but some thoughts are starting to take shape in my mind regarding the tender shoots of womanhood that are starting to sprout in our house... so here it is:
i abhor the idea of my girls dating before they're finished high school. Call me naive, call me over protective, tell me knowingly, "you'll see..." & maybe i will - but i can't change the way i feel.
This doesn't have everything to do with my history (though, i'm sure my personal experiences must come into play a little...) it has everything to do with trying to remove from my house & our family the societal pressure to cave to whatever the masses have deemed normal.
So, you can imagine that despite the fact that we haven't come to any hard & fast conclusions as far as dating goes for our small fry, alarm bells went off for me when my oldest informed me as she slipped on her jacket to head out the door, "Aaron (the youth pastor) is giving us the 'dating talk' tonight, mom."
i stopped what i was doing.
i felt a fierce, animal protection for my little girls & i almost didn't want to let them go to youth. Honestly - if they hadn't been so looking forward to being a part of the music for the night, i probably would have suggested keeping them home. That line from Song of Solomon about not arousing or awakening love until it so desires came to mind - & i felt like my girls were still too young and fresh for this particular topic.
i wasn't at their ages.
And this is no disrespect to my mom & dad - or to whatever youth program was happening at the church we went to when i was a girl... but i wished, often, as a young woman that i had been more sheltered, protected, defended - as a child... because at 12 & 14? They're still children... Believe me - i'm not saying this to cast any blame for my bad choices on anyone else, but this feeling of regret has resulted in a fierceness in my desire to protect the children i have... and maybe it's part of what made homeschooling so appealing to me. i didn't want others to offer their opinions or to shape my little one's views of what's acceptable, normal and right. The voices out there in the world? Those voices are loud... they're loud & brash & ignorant of the value of each little person. There are so many of these voices vying for their attention & i'll say it: i wanna shelter them a bit... give them a fighting chance to hear that Still Small Voice above the din, because who better? Who loves them more - who knows the weaknesses and the strengths that each one has?
i told Cai that they could go, listen to the dating talk, but then when she came home, we'd talk some more about what she'd heard.
When we did get the chance to talk about it, i was surprised that i agreed with far more of what she had heard than i disagreed with... i realized too - as she talked a whole lot more than i did in our little debriefing session, that she's a more secure, determined and confident girl than i was at her age & that even though my protectiveness is a God given instinct... my fears aren't.
So speak, Still Small Voice... guide my girls - and my little boys too - in your paths everlasting... & give them ears to hear & tender little hearts that obey.
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9 comments:
You're so not alone Paige. We haven't really talked about ages and dating when it comes to our girls, but I know that I tend toward 'older' than what culture is pushing. If I had to pick a magic age right now, it would be 18...
I guess we'll see when the time comes!
I am in the same dating camp as well. At times I feel and am told that this is too lofty of a goal. I am praying that we will see a dating reformation within the church in the next 10 years. In the mean time we have started to plant seeds in our crew's minds regarding relationships.
paige....i totally agree. i came from a family that did protect me. my parents always said...why date before you're ready for marriage? what's the point? i have to agree and i'm so thankful that we weren't allowed to date until older. it was hard enough to make wise choices at 22....i can't imagine how it would have been at 16. even when ben and i were seriously dating my dad asked us to set up a curfew and he enforced it when we were at my home. i remember being a little embarassed that my dad asked us to come in (i mean afterall i was 23) but ben told me later that when my dad did that it caused him to respect me and my dad cause he said most dads he knew didn't care what their daughters did. none of my siblings have dated until they're old enough to marry and none of them have regreted it.
my parents also encouraged us not to date just for the sake of dating but to get to know someone as a friend first until you know if it's someone you might be insterested in. (you know...someone you're attracted to with similar beliefs, values, goals, interests, etc.)
i think it will be kind-of scary but i guess it's one of those areas you really have to pray and trust God with.
love that fawne!
In a lot of ways, i think you can't just go with the flow all their lives& then all of a sudden when they want to date at 16 say, "um, no - no dating till you're x years old.." i want to be (like mandy said) planting these seeds & letting them think about the types of men & women they will grow to be... It's bigger than you think it is when you're a teenager...
i know i'm gonna look back on these years and say, "i wish i would have..." but at the very least, i am confident that He will gently guide us in some areas so that i will be able to say, "i'm glad that we did..."
I agree as well. My parents allowed me to date at 16 and have boyfriends at 14, and I'm not sure it was good for me. Thankfully, I worked through my ignorance (using I Corinthians 13) and married a wonderful man at age 24.
I think several things made dating a problem for me. First of all, my mom's belief seemed to be that any man who was faithful to church attendance would make a good husband. The focus was on religion rather than character. So, my first serious boyfriend had ambitions to be a youth pastor. Unfortunately, he had some very deep-seated self esteem issues which caused him to be very manipulative and controlling. By the time my parents realized what was going on, I was so emotionally reliant on him that breaking free was torturous.
Secondly, I had emotional issues of my own stemming from an instance of abuse in my childhood that caused me to be dependent on relationships. Had I received the professional counseling I needed, I would have probably been confident enough to put off dating for a while. Thankfully, God reached out to me and healed my heart just in time!
I think it is very important for parents to be totally open and honest about dating, relationships, sex etc. Don't be embarrassed to talk about it etc. And don't just preach the don't sermon... Being raised super legalistic with parents who wouldn't talk or give guidance about such things, was not good! I always wished there was some sort of written guidelines for what was right and what was wrong etc. I was definitely "in over my head" starting to date at 14 and being with the same beau till I finished high school at 16 - I think I was about 17 when we broke up. It might have been different if we had been older but after a while there was no where further for the relationship to go... and it didn't help that my Mum gave me the "S" encylopedia with a bookmark in at the word sex and said "Read this and if you have questions, come ask!" Of course, since she was bashful and shy about talking about such things, I was not going to approach her about any of the struggles I was dealing with at the time... sad really, as if you can't share with your parent, who can you be close to?? You are fostering seeds for the future NOW! I guess what I am saying is some of us focus so much on the what not to do, that we lose touch with what we SHOULD do! I've had many talks with Alisdair about such things already -- and he's only 11...
Saskatchewan Cousin
Paige...once again...your intuitions are good. I like Fawne's perspective. What good can come of dating which is not focussed on mating? Before young people are ready to marry, they should meet in family groupings.
Not to shift blame for my own shortcomings which I know are many...(but probably shifting it nevertheless..haha) I think my generation was thwarted by (1) public education and (2) youth groups. When we were growing up we had far more uniformity in values at least among Christians. The negative side of that was that people did things because of legalism and peer pressure. This was quickly evaporating during the years of our child rearing...so we all had to work out our own standards and not expect support from either society or other christians. As a result it got to be more treacherous as far as the need to swim against the stream even amongst Christians...the positive impact of this though, is that we have all had to become stronger and more thoughtful and able to swim against ever increasing tides and currents. I see you doing this with ever increasing excellence.
i have no idea why mom's comment disappeared - i replied to it, & now it's gone! So, i'll cut & paste it here from my emailed copy & then put my response below..
"Paige...once again...your intuitions are good. I like Fawne's perspective. What good can come of dating which is not focussed on mating? Before young people are ready to marry, they should meet in family groupings.
Not to shift blame for my own shortcomings which I know are many...(but probably shifting it nevertheless..haha) I think my generation was thwarted by (1) public education and (2) youth groups. When we were growing up we had far more uniformity in values at least among Christians. The negative side of that was that people did things because of legalism and peer pressure. This was quickly evaporating during the years of our child rearing...so we all had to work out our own standards and not expect support from either society or other christians. As a result it got to be more treacherous as far as the need to swim against the stream even amongst Christians...the positive impact of this though, is that we have all had to become stronger and more thoughtful and able to swim against ever increasing tides and currents. I see you doing this with ever increasing excellence."
i think there is huge value in examining what influences have brought us to the places we find ourselves, mama. & no blame or shifting of it... - it's just trying to gain wisdom to do *better*.
thanks, mom - for your comments - you are so supportive and encouraging as we navigate these issues with often, very little support from other believers.
Fawne, i've told my children, too, that dating is the process by which we determine if this is the person we will marry - and there is no point of dating until we are ready to enter into that commitment if the answer is yes.
I've been praying for sixteen years for my children and also for their spouses. It's such an important decision - one that shapes all the rest of your life, and i'm so glad that God was soooooo kind to me and let me be T's wife :)
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