Thursday, January 13, 2011

technical difficulties... and alone time

i took my silly computer in to the shop again to see if maybe there isn't something they haven't tried yet to recover the pictures they lost.
Not having my computer - with my familiar little keyboard with the missing number 3 - has made it all but impossible to blog.
But i will steal a moment at an unfamiliar white keyboard that makes satisfying clicking noises as i type, to tell you how i found myself this week - wanting a holiday.
i think i used to feel this urge in a more pressing way. In my twenties - i often felt lonesome and solitary as Neil worked his seemingly eternal shifts and i tended to tiny mouths and bums. That's when i first noticed this funny little urge. It's not the kind of feeling that can be abated with a dinner out - or a quiet walk... it's the kind of feeling that shouts for hours to ones self - sleeping in - eating alone - and reading without interruption.
i was new to the selflessness that motherhood required. i remember some of the first incredible messes i was faced with - tiny ones covered in sick - with sheets and floors to clean in the middle of the night - looking around myself and realizing that it was up to me to make it go away. These are the types of instances that bring on that queer 'holiday' ache.
Now, i imagine myself to be a little more mature - a little better prepared to lay down my own wants and desires for the needs of another... but still - that uninvited guest occasionally makes an appearance.
i know that part of it is this societal pressure to crave pleasure - and disdain work, but i recognize too in my weakness - my humanity - & i know that it's ok to feel like i wanna run every once in awhile.
& so - sometimes i'll choose to be gentle with myself.
This morning - that's how i felt.
Still in my pj's when school started - my voice hoarse from a long night with too many interruptions to count...
i prayed.
"You know... how tired i am. Please help me to be a better mama than i am able..."
Charter leaped to my defence - maybe sensing in my prayer my utter weariness...
"Momma, you're asking God for something impossible! Nobody could be a better mom than you!"
& in the sweetness of our prayer time - i laid down my exhaustion - my desire to run - my awaying ache...
i pressed into my Father's heart - and sensed His love for the little ones in my care - and for me too - as i care or them.
& it doesn't make me less tired - or more able -
but i recognize His hand in my situation and i know that what he has me doing is worthwhile.
& so i'll press on.


Carol said...

What a sweet compliment you received from Charter this morning - that must have been such an encouragement! I hope you have a good sleep tonight!

fawne said...

love, love this post!! i want to mark it so i can come back, read it and take courage when i'm faced with "impossible" life.

mamalena said...

Even Jesus had to draw apart at you hardly need to feel guilty for wanting that...but it is hard to get it. When Ephraim's weaned...bring me everyone and you and Neil can run away....

Ha...reminds me of my wonderwoman incident...Your compliment came on purpose though...and mine was an accident....haha...


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