i took my silly computer in to the shop again to see if maybe there isn't something they haven't tried yet to recover the pictures they lost.
Not having my computer - with my familiar little keyboard with the missing number 3 - has made it all but impossible to blog.
But i will steal a moment at an unfamiliar white keyboard that makes satisfying clicking noises as i type, to tell you how i found myself this week - wanting a holiday.
i think i used to feel this urge in a more pressing way. In my twenties - i often felt lonesome and solitary as Neil worked his seemingly eternal shifts and i tended to tiny mouths and bums. That's when i first noticed this funny little urge. It's not the kind of feeling that can be abated with a dinner out - or a quiet walk... it's the kind of feeling that shouts for hours to ones self - sleeping in - eating alone - and reading without interruption.
i was new to the selflessness that motherhood required. i remember some of the first incredible messes i was faced with - tiny ones covered in sick - with sheets and floors to clean in the middle of the night - looking around myself and realizing that it was up to me to make it go away. These are the types of instances that bring on that queer 'holiday' ache.
Now, i imagine myself to be a little more mature - a little better prepared to lay down my own wants and desires for the needs of another... but still - that uninvited guest occasionally makes an appearance.
i know that part of it is this societal pressure to crave pleasure - and disdain work, but i recognize too in my weakness - my humanity - & i know that it's ok to feel like i wanna run every once in awhile.
& so - sometimes i'll choose to be gentle with myself.
This morning - that's how i felt.
Still in my pj's when school started - my voice hoarse from a long night with too many interruptions to count...
"You know... how tired i am. Please help me to be a better mama than i am able..."
Charter leaped to my defence - maybe sensing in my prayer my utter weariness...
"Momma, you're asking God for something impossible! Nobody could be a better mom than you!"
& in the sweetness of our prayer time - i laid down my exhaustion - my desire to run - my awaying ache...
i pressed into my Father's heart - and sensed His love for the little ones in my care - and for me too - as i care or them.
& it doesn't make me less tired - or more able -
but i recognize His hand in my situation and i know that what he has me doing is worthwhile.
& so i'll press on.