My friend wrote a post forever ago with questions about grief - the questions are specific to losing a baby, but i think that looking at grief can be a valuable thing - no matter what it is we're grieving... health, the absence of justice, lack of love...
Grief is universal - and yet we each experience it so uniquely.
i took the questions and answered them, but never got around to posting them here, until now.
I want to know if you think about them often.
i think about them often - together - & separately too. Sometimes as i'm drifting off to sleep. Sometimes it's just a peaceful knowledge that all will be well - & sometimes it's a random heartbreaking memory. There are little things i have intentionally placed in our home so that i have carved out a place to honour the memory of those 2 lives that deeply impacted me. i have a tiny baby quilt that Ephraim uses that i made after i lost caleb, i have a piece of art that Neil bought me when i was pregnant with Hope. i have their names on a necklace that i wear - & their memorial certificates on my bedroom wall & a picture of the terrible beauty in the sky the night that we found out that Caleb had gone Home. My sister took it and sent it to me...
I want to know what reminds you of them.
*Yorkton Saskatchewan. Caleb is my only child delivered in the same province that i was born in.
*Mayfair - that's where Hope's ultrasound happened.
*Jason Upton's music,
*the song _i surrender all_,
*other women who say, "pheuf, i made it through the first trimester" - because Caleb did too - & because Hope didn't.
I want to know what you remember most about that pregnancy.
Both of them - finding out i was pregnant. They each came at a time in my life when i longed for a baby. i'm so grateful i journaled through Hope's short pregnancy... it was pure joy. i wrote in there, "even while i'm getting sick every morning, i can't wipe the smile off my face..." - i'm so glad that my journal was full of gratitude.
I want to know if their siblings remind you of them.
We thought Caleb looked like Cairo when he was born. He was still so tiny though - & with Hope it was impossible to guess about features... but in my mind, Caleb would have been a cross between Cairo & Charter...
But the siblings that remind me *most* of Caleb & Hope are Sloanie & Gagey - the 2 born to me after each loss. i wish i could have kept them all...
What do you think their personality would be?
Sometimes... when i let my imagination go... i imagine them to be something like my friend Fawne's Wyatt. He was missing a tiny bit of one chromosome - & yet even with all the issues that his little body faced - he was so sweet & uncomplaining. i hope that no matter what happened with my 2 little ones - they would have the sweetness that Wyatt had.
What do you look forward to the most in seeing them someday?
Won't it be amazing to have everyone... all together?
Are there certain dates that seem to hit the hardest?
Funny enough - their dates cross in both February - and in September. It's not a specific date that hits the hardest - it's those days surrounding *the dates* in those 2 months.
Mothers day - that would be the day that i struggle with... because i'm reminded of what i lost.
What were you expecting in grief and how did it surprise you?
i didn't know it would be so solitary. It's not the same for men & women - & it's certainly unique to every individual.
Grief... is lonely.
What did you learn through their life and death... and through the pain that follows?
"Time heals" sounds so trite, & yet there is a depth to that truth. Having Caleb & Hope changed everything for me. i'm a different girl than i would have been, had they not come. Their brief lives sharpened my desire for Heaven - & eternal things. They challenged my views on children - and motherhood - and forced me to examine what i truly believe.
i'm so grateful i got the opportunity to mother them - and to continue to mother them from afar - as i journey Home too.