loss

It's dumb, the things i want to hold onto.
Our old computer crashed.
We took it into Staples & the guy kindly fetched all my files off my old computer & put them on my new one. He put them all in a nice easy to find little icon on my desktop & told us to hold onto our old computer for awhile 'cause he might not have gotten it all & he was sure he'd be able to get anything he had missed.
i checked about 4 pictures & my links files & made sure that i could access the kids' schoolwork & was happy it was all still there. Neil, teasing me, made my icon for the internet read BFF... & i fell in love with my new friend.
Until today...
i had a queer little ache in my chest... i needed to listen to a song that my sister had sent me - one where she had done backups on some guy's album, so not something i can just go out and buy again. This song ministered powerfully to me when i lost baby hope - it spoke aloud the names of God - My Provider, My Healer...
i rushed to my computer to play the song for Charter... we had started talking while i was remembering and he wanted to hear all the fancy names that God had...
My songlists were gone.
My songlist titled, "Baby Hope"...
and my songlist for Gagey, titled, "Baby Zion"...
Gone.
i feel it a poignant loss.
The lists were comprised of a wide variety of songs... of comfort - of haunting melody - of healing... songs that were mainstream, songs with children's voices, songs that meant something - only to me - in those dark hours - the list as a whole might make you wrinkle your brow in confusion... but it was meant for me.
Tearfully, i emailed Neil - on the road from Saskatchewan to home & asked the question i already knew the answer to... "Please tell me you have the computer in the garage..."
"Nope, i chucked it."
Our ipod that held the copies had mysteriously been erased too...
Oh, Jesus, just that little bit of physical comfort for me to hold onto - that list of songs that i'll only remember half of - & maybe never be able to find & put back together the way i put them together in the dark days. i just wanted that...
i'm a chucker...
Clutter & i don't get along...
But, my computer has become my secret treasure trove - & i never realized how hard it would be to lose a little piece of comfort... A piece that would have always reminded me of when my Father met me in my sadness & through the sounds of notes, chord progressions, rhythms & beautiful words - becoming the groans of my spirit ... ministered to my broken heart through the music of His Servants.