Thursday, March 5, 2009

stuck in this moment

o - he was so tired. i had given him a bath - put a fresh diaper on him. He was bare-chested with his car jammie pants & his little amber necklace.
He nursed & gazed at me with his blue eyes
- fading -
& then clung to my neck with his downy head resting on my shoulder as i carried him to his little nest.
i willed my arms to lay him down -
but instead they held fast to the wee sleepy burden.
Oh, God.
i whisper in his ear - his breathing is soft & rhythmic as he balances precariously between sleep and wake.
Thank you - thank you - thank you - thank you.
i have no other words.
Gage leans his dreamy head back to glance up at my face - wondering why his light is dimmed, his fan is on, his tummy has been filled - but we seem to be stuck in this moment.
The tears sting my eyes as i look at this little one who might never have been.
Oh, God.
The gratitude wells up in my chest & i can't keep it contained.
i hear whispered giggles outside his room & i know if i don't lay him down - i could waste the sprinkling sand that the sandman has left - & that his little eyes - drooping now - will perk and waken as he hears other little voices.
i lay him down.
Soft blankets.
He sighs.
i sigh.
Sleep, baby.

5 comments:

Melissa said...

sooooo precious...

Jen said...

Oh Paige - I often have the same thoughts. My heart aches for the one who isn't here, but then aches for the one who wouldn't have been but IS. If only we could hold them all.....one day!

Prvbs31Mama said...

I love it when you bare your heart Paige. So when are you going to write a book?

Mindy said...

Thank you for this...beautiful.

Anonymous said...

... yes, you're one of the "lucky" ones ... not all of us get a "second chance" to conceive again after a child is lost... I'm coming to grips to the reality that another is probably not on the cards for me, but it still hurts when I think about losing that little wanted baby in 2007.
Saskatchewan Cousin

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