o - he was so tired. i had given him a bath - put a fresh diaper on him. He was bare-chested with his car jammie pants & his little amber necklace.
He nursed & gazed at me with his blue eyes
- fading -
& then clung to my neck with his downy head resting on my shoulder as i carried him to his little nest.
i willed my arms to lay him down -
but instead they held fast to the wee sleepy burden.
i whisper in his ear - his breathing is soft & rhythmic as he balances precariously between sleep and wake.
Thank you - thank you - thank you - thank you.
i have no other words.
Gage leans his dreamy head back to glance up at my face - wondering why his light is dimmed, his fan is on, his tummy has been filled - but we seem to be stuck in this moment.
The tears sting my eyes as i look at this little one who might never have been.
The gratitude wells up in my chest & i can't keep it contained.
i hear whispered giggles outside his room & i know if i don't lay him down - i could waste the sprinkling sand that the sandman has left - & that his little eyes - drooping now - will perk and waken as he hears other little voices.
i lay him down.