So, i was checking out my friend's blog & it's their 5th anniversary of wedded bliss.
Later on, i was looking for something in my dresser drawer, & i came upon a poem i had written for Neil in our first year of marriage.
it's as subtle as the passing of the day
& as compelling as the cry of a baby
It's as strong as the pull of the outgoing tide
& as pure as the sweetest mountain spring
oh, my heart...
Happiness in being together-
i am - myself - with you,
(each line is separated with a heart... really... i should frame this...)
i totally remember writing it... Keeping our home while he was off working one of his grueling 12 hour shifts shoveling the floor as a labourer in a mill at 19 to support his wife & child. & i remember presenting it to him - with a little laugh - as he looked at me blankly.
"um... thank you?"
i'm laughing now as i type this - remembering. His lack of enthusiasm (which was probably more confusion than anything) didn't hurt my feelings 'cause i've always known who we are. He's the no frills, nose to the grindstone, feet planted firmly on the ground manly-man (think: Shrek). i'm the scatter-brained, artsy, buck the system girly-girl (think: Donkey). i presented it to him with a flourish because it was funny watching him read those words and squirm - not knowing how, quite, to respond.
He did the same thing the first time i wrote him a love song... i wanted to tell him 'thank you' for the way he had cared for me when i had lost our little son & i didn't know how else to express myself. He listened & said, 'it's nice' - but i probably got more out of writing it than he did listening. The way he cared for me when we lost our baby? He picked me up after i had a second hospital stay from some complications - & bought our first VCR on the way home so we could watch mindless crap. He also gave me a No Doubt CD :) to help pull my mind out of the deep places it never wanted to leave & brought home a bucket of KFC - so we could sit on the floor watching movies & not worry about cooking or cleaning up. He sat with me... in silence... when there were no words.
When we dated, i would show up at his rugby games in my hippy dresses & he showed up at my college jury with cowboy boots. Our differences make our marriage what it is... a give & take - a balance whose delicacy belies it's strength.
i will always be the one with the bull-horn declaring my undying love.
He will always be the one quietly acting out his love.
i use to wonder if he would have been happier with a girl more *like* him. Someone who didn't get so wrapped up in dreaming that she forgot supper - someone who golfed, knew how to iron shirts & had it all together - but then i remember my secret power:
Nobody else could love that man as much as i do.
& i am satisfied.