Monday, May 23, 2011

samurai swordswoman

My inlaws wanted to take Neil & i out for a nice brunch - so we went to Cora's on Sunday morning when 5 out of the seven littles were otherwise engaged.
The line up was all the way out the door and the seating was back to back. There was an energized hum of activity as the bustling servers squeezed between tables and highchairs, bringing heaping plates full of steaming crepes, pancakes and waffles - bowls of fresh fruit and cups and cups... and cups - of hot coffee.
Ephraim was drinking the creamers and Gagey was eating jam with a spoon... y'know, your typical breakfast fare with two wiggly boys in a crowded restaurant.
Suddenly - there was a break in the din - almost like the heavens parting... and the woman seated directly behind me broke wind.
Make that *shattered* wind.
If cheese is sometimes cut - she was a master samurai swordsman.
If gas is expelled, hers was banished.
If one had been ripped? She shredded that sucker.
i happened to be making eye contact with Neil at the precise moment that that sound began to ricochet and reverberate on her plastic seat...
First of all - let it be recorded here, that *someone* should remind Neil something about that "casting the first stone" story... but regardless - the looks that flashed across his face in those three seconds... (one green elephant, two green elephant, three greenflippingelephant... ) contained a lifetime's worth of emotion.
First - there was mild curiosity, recognition and shock, which immediately melted into a kind of horrified anguish - his eyes opened just the slightest bit wider and locked on mine (which must have already begun to dance with hilarity) - and for just the smallest fraction of an *instant*, a hint of, "That's not YOU, is it? Please, Paige - let that not be YOU..." swam across his sweet, tragic face.
He could take life a little less seriously.
When the last fragments of sound ceased to echo through the crowded restaurant, the waitresses resumed waitressing, patrons slowly resumed eating, the chef in the kitchen resumed poaching eggs and the line up outside resumed waiting... the birds resumed chirping, the babies resumed cooing and the cash register resumed collecting.
The woman behind me didn't flinch.
Maybe she thought life was too short to eat her breakfast in discomfort - & honestly? i agree.
Carry on, my flatulent friend.
i got your back.


lovefam6 said...

Bwahahaha! O.M.Goodness, thank you for that Paige. So. darn. funny.

Tristy said...

OH MY WORD!!!!!! Absolutely hysterical, Paige. I would have loved to have seen your faces!!! Good thing Gagey didn't hear it....or did he? My boys would have been laughing hysterically at that. Boys + toots = howling laughter (as I am sure you know)...followed by a 'Good Job!" ;-)

Sara L said...

oh my goodness!! That is so *stinkin* funny!
Seriously, my hubby would have fallen off his chair laughing. I have him read this, my bet is he'll still fall off his chair laughing!

Rachel said...

I just had 2 boys come in from the other room to ask what I was laughing about. Soooo funny!

Lori-Dawn said...

ROFLMBO!!!! I SOOO wish I was watching it play out! HAHAHA, Jamie likely would have been rude and started clapping...hee hee
Thanks for the laugh!

Alisdair said...

... and I thought the dog "breaking wind" in the van on our little weekend trip was bad enough!!! Luckily, my nose doesn't work so I'm not bothered... unless there are accompanying sound effects, like in your post. Poor lady... I would have died... and then been teased about my performance for years to come!!! Glad you still managed to enjoy your outing and she hers!

Mindy said...

So. Stinking. Funny. Way to make me laugh out loud, Paige!


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