Monday, February 13, 2012

valentines chocolate

He runs out to get a few things.  i know he won't be home very much for the rest of the month & he wants to take care of me.  i can tell that he thinks i'm sad because i've been so quiet lately, but i'm not sad.  i'm just quiet.  Even God must think i'm sad 'cause people have been contacting me, "you're on my mind, can i pray for you?" but i'm not sad... i'm not angry, depressed or despondent... i feel even-keeled... happy even...
Just quiet. 

i'm not surprised that he's brought me a bag of chocolate.  i should tell him that he can't keep trying to satiate my hunger for him with sugar... i'll either get fat or lose my taste for chocolate, & who wants either of those things to happen?

He watches me pull a big cheesy heart shaped box out of the bag & i smile at him... February has always been an interesting month... It was the month Caleb was due, the month we lost our baby Hope and the month that both of our bonus boys showed up.  i love February.

He keeps passing too close to me as we get lunch on the table & put away the miscellaneous groceries he picked up.  His enormous hazel eyes follow me more than usual & i can't even fathom any light fluffy words to make him worry less.  Besides, i like his eyes on me. i feel bad that i'm leaving him confused though.  i'm confused too... but not sad.

The volume around the lunch table rises as Mollen's high pitched voice joins the drone of conversation.  i glance at her, leaping from her seat in exuberance & grin.
My big girls are rushing through the meal, flushed from a busy morning, preparing for fiddle classes in the afternoon.  My tiny boy catches my eye, and slides eagerly off his chair, toddling around the table to be lifted into my arms.  The action bubbles & churns like a river during the spring thaw... A boy flirted with Peyton today, Charter's almost done his Hardy Boys novel... constant chatter & motion, the filling of cups, the clatter of cutlery.

i feel full & happy.  i feel grateful & ready.  i feel tired, but willing just...


Jen said...


Caitlin said...

I think....we might be kindred spirits. ;)

Sara L said...

I wrote a biggo response.. sigh. It all disappeared.

I need to get to that place where you're at. Life's been... rough. here lately. I think I'm getting closer though.

More interestingly!! I caught a baby today! My doula client didn't make it to the hospital, so it was a surprise homebirth! wow!


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