i've been where you are. Brave face to the world of raised eyebrows.
Inside, you're laying in the dirt, wretched and alone.
You feel branded - permanently marked by what you've done, and you couldn't form the words to defend yourself even if you wanted to. You're done justifying, you're done pretending, you're done imagining that this day would never come...
Maybe your sin has robbed you of sleep, of peace, of the security that comes from being where you're called to be. You might feel that there is no way to redeem the mess that you've made, and you wonder if anyone would care if you just walked... away...
i want to tell you some things.
First of all - drop it all. Drop all those crazy expectations you held on to - all the things you were supposed to do or be. Drop your parent's antagonistic behaviour, your siblings judgements, your friend's impatience... You are who He created you to be - and because of Him... you are able. You're gonna need to cling to Him. And you're gonna need to drop it all in order to cling. The accusations will come - even years, decades from now - like flaming arrows, but the only place you're gonna be safe is in His arms. There is so much yet to see & learn there. You'll see that He's faithful. You'll see that He loves you. You'll see that you... yes you... are His very workmanship - created with a purpose in mind.
& yes... undoubtedly your past failings will get thrown at you like dirty rags serving as an attempt to distract you. Don't be distracted. Remember where you came from because it will make you His tender servant - but refuse to be bound by your past because He set you free from it.
Learn to recognize grief for your actions, and separate it from the shame that wants you destroyed.
You can do this.