Thursday, February 16, 2012

sweet 16

It's not a date we generally celebrate.  i think i sloughed it off in it's shrouded shame after we married & didn't think too much about it.  But i was thinking about it this week.  February 16th is the day he proposed to me. (i actually had to check my old journal to be sure).  It was reading break & we got a precious few stolen days together - since i was studying music at Grant MacEwan in Edmonton & he was working in Kelowna, our time together was very limited. 

 i remember how foggy it was at the dock & how strange & guilty i felt - like he might feel forced by the tiny one who was growing inside - no matter how vehemently he denied it.  i remember how i didn't want to go back to edmonton & finish school, but i wondered if i would regret it if i didn't.  & he wrote me scrawled notes - telling me to be strong, that i should finish... he called me his dream girl, his soul mate, his perfect match.  i remember feeling that burning shame with every person i saw that i knew & i remember even feeling ashamed at how much i loved him.  Surely it was a shameful thing to love someone so completely, surely i wore adoration on my face everytime i looked at him, or spoke of him.  It seemed impossible that he could love me that much too - and here i was... found out... i felt desperate, needy and painfully hungrily in love.

Love is such an embarrassing thing - if you love deeply enough, you're completely exposed, at the mercy of another.  It's a dangerous thing to love with no caution, with nothing held back, with no expectations or control exerted over the other.  

And still 16 years later, i'm still drowning in the floods of love that began back then.  i'm perplexed by the ferocity of the heaving tides of love - did i think they would fade over time?  Instead they've just magnified & carried me deeper and farther than you'd think any love should go. 

& i know he hates love letters... this one is written for me. 
i want to remember this day in 2012 - i want to remember it when things are hard, when i'm angry, cold and distant.  i want to remember it when he hurts me and i hate the vulnerability of marriage.  i want to remember it when anniversaries pass in greater numbers and our children grow and have children of their own...

i choose love.


stephanie said...

I love your writing. You are so honest and free in how you express yourself. I wish I could find some of that freedom! Happy 16th to you and Neil!

Sara L said...

You are *so* blessed to have love like that! It's what so many dreams of :) It's amazing how God can take us, and all our flaws and insecurities and turn it into something so beautiful and amazing :)


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