Monday, February 20, 2012

on losing your island

i often think in pictures rather than words. 
With the loss of my intact extended family this year, a picture keeps coming back to me... it's like being in the middle of the ocean - in turbulent seas... & suddenly, i've lost my island.  All along, i had this little land mass - a place where i could come up out of the deep, grab my breath & regain my sense of direction.  It wasn't a big chunk of land - i was familiar with every square inch of that small stable place, but now it's gone... Maybe sunk beneath the roaring surf, maybe crumbled by the pounding waves, maybe i drifted too far & now it's out of sight & impossible to reach ever again. 

i lost my island. 

And i'm not even saying that in a heart broken way - though my heart is broken.  i'm just stating it in a matter of fact sorta, 'what're you gonna do now?' way...
So, doggy paddling since my island went under, i have been thinking about this new reality, recognizing loss.  i lost something that was pretty cool too... something i was pretty lucky to have for a lot of years.  Yeh, it wasn't a perfect island - it had it's inclement weather patterns & it's rocky shores... but i was still blessed by that little island.  And the loss of that island has created some sadness & pain. 
It takes more endurance to press on when you don't have that little oasis to fall back on, doesn't it? i'm gonna get stronger because i have to.  i'm gonna rely on God more because He never fails.  i'm gonna press on because He's all that i want.

At my girls' violin recital the other night, my eyes were drawn - as they often are in these days - to the parents of the flamboyant girl who always arrive separately.  Their separateness is more obvious to me than others in their same situation... maybe it's more recent, more painful... & maybe it's rude of me to even notice it, but i do.  She's the spitting image of each of them combined on one radiant face.

She lost her island too...
& she seems ok... full of life and hope. 

And maybe one day i'll be ok too. 


Lisa said...

You will be okay Paige but it doesn't mean you won't have scars from the battle. *hug* and that's okay too as we all have scars, some are just hidden better.

Lesley said...
I sense you are healing a little?
You sound like you are having a 'strong' day.
Your island may be gone but if you get tired of paddling, there is a boat there to rescue you.

Carol said...

You maybe lost the little island you were used to, but I'm sure there are 2 tiny separate islands that are now there for you to land on.

Anonymous said...

I like Carol's comment about the two tiny islands. I keep hoping and praying for a miracle for your family ... it's in God's hands, I guess.

It's good when both parents DO show up for things like the little girl's recital. I think I feel worse when the other parent doesn't come to cheer.

Around here there are three sets of kids with Dads but no Mum. That one is very very hard for me to figure out ... I would never dream of leaving my small children (these are all young elementary age) -- one set the Dad works oilfield hrs. and they are with a babysitter 7 days straight as he leaves about 7 AM and gets home around 8:30 or 9 PM. I can't imagine it! So sad.

Anyway, keep trying to figure out what the new normal is and one day it will maybe be okay.

Saskatchewan Cousin


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