i'm in kindergarten

Alternately titled: what i'm learning. 

God loves me. 

& i know i've posted about this a lot. 
But it's a long, long way from my mind to my heart.  & circumstances cause delays and back tracks & pain, but i see Truth still. 

God loves me. 

Neil could leave me, my kids could all walk away from me.  My father & mother could despise me & my brothers and sisters reject me... but...

God loves me. 

i could be a hot mess of ugly tears, i could strive to reach Him in every way imaginable - but my freaking arms are so short... too short... & so He reaches for me, because...

God loves me. 

i can read His Book, fast and pray... i can love Him exactly how He created me to love & worship Him... & it's all meaningful because...

God loves me. 

My hands get sore now - maybe it's a sign of age... of wear and tear.  My eyes puff up and wrinkle up when i cry.  i talk too loud.  i say way too much... but also too little.  i'm horrible at being a real friend.  To my friends: you know who you are... thank you for giving me grace... But despite it all...

God loves me. 

i play my drum for Him.  Every act of motherhood, every sacrifice - intentional or otherwise - is a solemn beat on that tiny drum, offering myself always and only for Him.  Every moment i allow myself to be vulnerable - to take the pain & glory of Love... the intense struggle of allowing marriage to consume my self-absorption... more complicated rhythms and patterns  - forming a song... for Him.  It's a pittance, but i do it because...

God loves me. 

He doesn't love me because i'm precious to the world.  In the world's eyes, their most trusted appraiser would examine me under his microscope.  He would know every intimate detail and crack - every tiny bit of beauty or goodness.  He could see exactly what i am - & what i have to offer... & then - after this exhaustive examination... completely laid bare, i would be found wanting.  "She's ok," he would shrug, "Nothing i haven't seen before - we could take her or leave her..."  But He, my Father, has never used the world's appraisal methods...

God loves me. 

& it occurs to me that this complete disconnect between what i FEEL and what i KNOW to be true... even this little pain... He might find useful.  So... take it, Father.  Take your daughter's confused struggling.  i'm pouring it all out.  i'm not willing to base my relationship with you... or with others... on feelings that i know are false.  Lies.  The truth won't change... & what's true, is that...

God loves me. 

So that's how kindergarten is going... How are the rest of you doing?