We got home from swimming on Saturday & i threw my hair into a sloppy pony tail 'cause i had to hurry to to get to our last 40 Days for Life planning meeting on time. i asked Neil if i could take his spanking new work truck to my meeting and he looked at me like i gave him a sucker punch, so i quickly amended, "Oh, actually, i'd rather just take the big van. i'm used to it." Relief flooded his features & i laughed, grabbed my keys and ran.
i wasn't even down the block before it hit me like a sucker punch.
i miss Fawne.
How many times have Fawne and i driven this exact road from McKenzie Towne to our city's large, free-standing abortion clinic? She moved to Phoenix how many months ago now? i miss how she could always speak my language... We are a funny little set of friends. She's a teacher and prophet... at least... that's how i see her... & even though i have no idea what my "spiritual gifts" are... i'm fairly certain that teacher and prophet are the farthest things from them. She's a warrior with a burning desire for justice. Me? i'm weeping mercy. She's brown hair, brown eyed beauty. i'm blonde & blue eyed... She's the first born leader, i'm the baby, a born people pleaser... and yet our conversations seemed to always leave me just a little more ready, a little more willing, a little more open to following through on those ideas and truths we so often talked about.
One time, i remember praying on that corner by the Kensington abortion clinic. It was so busy that day - with cars going in and out of that packed little parking lot. i was the only one there during the hour that i prayed and at the end of my time, knowing that i needed to get home for my children and family, i hated to leave, so i lingered...i begged God to send someone in my stead, and reluctantly loaded my kids back in the van for the drive home. Later i found out that minutes after i left, Fawne had arrived and continued to watch and pray - after listening to that still small voice that bid her to come - and obeying.
But now she's gone, and we won't share rides, keep each other company or spell each other off on that lonely sidewalk anymore. i flicked off the radio that was filling the van with noise. And then i started to pray. & i didn't pray quietly in my head either - i took advantage of my solitude and i prayed louder than i was comfortable with. i told Him that i wanted to choose to do right, no matter what... no matter if i'm in my big van by myself, or surrounded by believers who think i'm doing the right thing. i don't want to be influenced by loneliness - because my mom taught me a long time ago that loneliness is only the invitation of God - & Oh, Father, i wanna enter in to that invitation to follow you...
Even if i ache with the knowledge that the truth is going to bring pain to so many... i want to speak it. Even if i burn with embarrassment to stand on the street corner and plead with my Father for the unborn... i want to stand and pray. Even if i get lonely and wish that there were more who shared my calling... i want to hear His voice and follow. Even if i feel uncomfortable siding with the unpopular truth - the side that is mocked, judged and distanced by believers and non... i want to stand and be counted.
1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (romans 12:1-3)