toilet paper

Ahh, it's the little things in life that bring clarity to the big sometimes, isn't it? 

He had called me, but i missed it so i called him back, but he didn't answer, so he called me again & i missed it again, & finally i caught him when i parked our monster van at the college dropping off my big girls for violin. 

& i don't know why his voice is all warm sounding over the phone... the deep richness of it in my ear was enough to make me feel just a little bit desperate.  We talked about our day and i ended by saying, "ya, the toilet paper situation is pretty grim over here..."

i had found the last roll hidden in a sodden mess under a dripping hand towel before we left.  And i don't know what i expected, giving my husband this information.  Did i think he was going to fly home and pick some up?  Was i more likely hoping for some sympathy & crooning love & attention?  Was i hoping he would feel bad that there was so much to do & so little of me?

Instead, i heard the familiar smile in his voice & he asked, "Babe, don't you know how to go to the store & buy some?"

Fleshy, from the gut, stomping foot feeling of selfish wrath....

'Cause i wanna be coddled & cared for.  i felt like Ephraim feels when he's denied my arms, reaching & crying for what would bring him comfort.

i didn't want to go buy toilet paper.  

But i did it anyway, because 8 people in a house with no toilet paper is so totally not a good idea.  i scrounged around for a loonie, knowing i should probably grab few other things too & i'd need a cart.  i picked, "that cart"... you know the one that you only pick when you're already a little bit angry?  It's the one that can't turn corners & makes a loud rumbling sound every time you try to turn one, using all your body weight, till you feel like it might just be easier to hoist the whole thing on your back as you peruse the dried fruits.  i found out that 7pm is a popular time for couples to go shopping, as that was pretty much all i saw as i picked through the oranges, remembering my sweet honey boy asking me with his hopeful blue eyes several times this week, "morange?"

"WHY?" i asked no one in particular... maybe it was a prayer... maybe i was just asking myself... but i raged on... "why does my husband have to be gone so much?  i'm not the type of girl who loves her independence.  i like it when he's close, when i can feel him, smell him... i like when he helps me, when i have someone i can lean on, when we do things together..."

& over the muffled speakers playing ancient muzak, came suddenly the familiar strain of Phil Collins... i kid you not...

& i felt just the gentlest rebuke...

Gentle, because i know i've been doing the best that i can... but a rebuke none the less because my love for Neil is big enough to carry the home side.  My love is big enough to cover these absences, my love is strong enough to get in that huge van and *go* and *do*... when i want to *stop*.  My love is selfless enough to see the bigger picture... & wise enough to know when to cheer instead of whine...

& i know that i know that i know... that this isn't something that i'm to rule over.  i know that these travelling days are pruning some ugliness, growing some beauty and teaching me to run to the arms of my Father.  i know that i'm supposed to resist that temptation to control.  i know that i'm to tend to my teeny garden of children.  i know that i'm to bring my beloved - carrying him in my very arms, to my Saviour...
i have my assignment - & last night...

it included buying toilet paper.