Wednesday, June 16, 2010

and again

Grandma never got to see me become a mom.
It’s funny that thoughts of her have come often in these busy years as my family has grown just like hers did years ago.
When i lost our second baby 4 months into my pregnancy – it felt – just a little bit – like everyone i knew kind of held their breath. It felt like they looked at me like someone who had just done the biggest face plant, & they were waiting to see if i would recover. Should they pretend they didn’t see? Should they keep on walking - & not add to my shame by acknowledging my fall... my failure... my loss...?
In those dark days – i received note after note – from my sweet aunties & even one from my uncle – my dad’s siblings - acknowledging our little son, recognizing my grief - & sharing in our sorrow. They rescued me in my wounded state as i reeled from my collapse.
Later on, i remember letting my dad read some of what i had written about my longed for son - & him responding, “Gramma never got over losing Carol either...”
Carol was Gramma’s second baby – she died when she was days old, due to a heart defect. & suddenly my Gramma’s influence became clear to me.
In a world that hoped i would get up, brush myself off & continue on with life – Gramma had raised children who knew better. They knew that my loss was a heavy blow... they knew how precious my darling was to me... they knew that there would be no recovery... there would just be a new normal. They revealed to me their own scars from their own losses & let me finger the jagged wounds – in the form of their tenderly written words - when i couldn’t even answer the phone for months. They reminded me that my little one was safely home, & had tied my heart permanently to heaven. They raised my eyes to the King who so gently shepherded me.
i saved each of their letters in the little beatrix potter baby book i had bought for my baby as soon as i found out i was pregnant... & i still go back, every now and again, to read and remember... Wise words about men and women grieving differently, people wanting to comfort – but missing the mark, grief breaking open, healing again and taking time to form a scar, seasons and dates that would bring my little one to mind... words that i have found over the years to be full of truth.
In my time of loss – my gramma’s heritage of love – reached across the generations to meet me in my grief.
Almost a year after losing Caleb, i delivered a second daughter on my Gramma’s birthday.
We gave her Gramma’s name in reverse.
i’m so grateful for family who recognize the fragile gift of life - & the Faithful Father, who gives and takes...

7 comments:

Jen said...

I wanted to comment yesterday but the filtered work computers wouldn't let me - BOO!
I love the stories of your Grandma...she sounds like a beautiful lady.
Makes me want some toast :)
Loved today's post too. I want to be open with our kids about Brennan and through him teach them about the beauty and specialness of every life - just like your Grandma did and you are doing as well.

Denise said...

I had never heard that Carol had a "heart defect." I always thought she was born prematurely and very small and therefore didn't make it....

I DO remember out in the milk house there were bristol board posters with the words to "Safe in the Arms of Jesus" -- and possibly others and I was told those songs were from Carol's funeral.

Her little grave is getting very worn and covered with some horrible rusy coloured moss... I thought we should find out how to clean the stuff off -- if they use muriac acid or what as I am sure other cemeteries have the same problem...

Not only did Grandma never know me as a Mother -- I wasn't even married when she died... She would always corner me when I came home from a YWAM trip from far flung places and demand to know if I'd "met anyone yet" -- she couldn't understand why one would want to travel or explore. She seemed to think the ultimate was settling down and having children...

She'd be proud of us now, I think!

Saskatchewan Cousin

paige said...

denise - my understanding (& goodness knows how often i'm wrong... *sigh*) is that Carol had a heart defect - whose cure was a minor surgery discovered within the year after her birth... so there was heartbreaking timing involved too... Ask your mama & i'll ask my papa & confirm :)

Melissa said...

I wish I could write like you.

Opening up about our lost littles has created a lot of random questions from the boys. Are they in Heaven now? Are they adults? Why did God take them? Will God take me away, too? Will I get to see them one day?

God uses these moments, as random and surprising as they are...

Mindy said...

Beautiful.

Denise said...

Chuck says it WAS a heart thing... funny that little detail never filtered down to me before in all these years!

Regardless of the cause, I know the loss of Carol and her older brother Elmer were the two biggest holes in Grandma's heart and she never really "got over" either of them...

How unpredictable circumstances change our lives...

Sometimes I have wondered if God can allow those who have gone before to "get a glimpse" from heaven of how we're all doing below. So much has happened since 1992 when Grandma left us so suddenly...

I was in Scotland when she was diagnosed with the cancer and was reassured on the phone that it was no big deal and they would do surgery and she would be fine. But after the operation and learning that it was terminal, I managed to get a plane ticket and come home to sit with her before she died. I'm so glad I made it in time to do that!

I remember sitting there and selfishly telling myself that she couldn't go yet - there was too much yet to do, but knowing she was in so much pain and suffering so much, that it would be better to "let her go."

The day she died, Dad and I got the call that it wouldn't be long so we hopped in the car and Dad was speeding to get to the hospital... he was stopped just outside of Saskatoon (in the Rural Municipality of Corman Park) on a grid road - going 100 in a 90 zone or something -- and by the time the man fiddled around with the ticket, it was too late.

Later, I went home with Mum in the other car. We stopped to get gas before leaving the city. "Have a nice day," the gas jockey chirped... and we both looked at each other and said "If HE only KNEW what kind of a day we'd had."

Memories... bittersweet...

Evelyn Violet Mae (Andrew) Sloan
July 30,1917 to July 5, 1992
"Safe in the Arms of Jesus" and reunited with Carol and her other loved ones

Saskatchewan Cousin

Denise said...

The plot thickens...

Was at Mum and Dad's last night and she says she knows nothing about Carol having a heart problem. She says that Carol was born about two months prematurely and that she remembers seeing her and Mrs. Holmes (the lady in the community who acted as midwife) giving her some liquid from a spoon...

So now we are even more confused about what the reality of it all was...

Anyway, feel free to talk to my Mum about her memories if you get a chance. It was interesting to hear, first hand.

Saskatchewan Cousin

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails

playlist