Friday, June 18, 2010

something is changing...

Tiny shifts - just a degree or two - can rock your world.
Maybe i'm a little slow catching on to this one, but in the past few weeks, i have been trying to make a small change - & i can see it having the potential to change our lives...
Do i sound a little melodramatic?
It all started with me noticing something... it was like when you notice a little piece of lint on a sweater or something - & you go to pull it off & the whole sweater starts to unravel... y'know?
i noticed that i can't... *can't* put off living till daddy gets home. We can't hold on, white knuckled till he is available... Life is too good, too sweet, too fun, too short - to spend it waiting.
i know there are a lot of mamas out there like me - & many more whose husbands are gone even more than mine (15 days in June...)
At first, i decided i wouldn't miss him when he was gone...
That lasted about 4 seconds. i just *do* miss him. i'm more comfortable when he's around. i have to make less decisions, i can pass off the discipline... mostly i just really, really like him. Huge Crush... i miss him when he's gone.
Then... i decided that we'd forget about surviving... we'd thrive while he was gone. We'd make a little more noise - a little more mess - get a little crazier in the kitchen. We'd stay up a little later, sleep in a little longer, pile the babies in the big bed & admire the view.
i'm not sure, exactly, what this will look like in the next year, but i plan on intentionally *living* daddy's away days...
Cai stayed up late the other night making cinnamon buns. She let them rise in the fridge overnight & the next morning - as i cleaned up the kitchen & smelled the coffee & cinnamon buns baking, i thought to myself, "This is the life..."
Our day spread out like a sandy beach before us - despite the pouring rain & the gaping hole left by our hero.
i kept my stubborn little chin up pretty good this time - i thought - till i had to pack everyone up in the evening for the big girls' violin recital. i had to play for them & i was nervous about the little boys & the delicate balancing act the evening would require. To top it all off, the rain continued to pour. When we got home, it was already 8:45 - past everyone's bedtime. We walked in the door carrying little boys, violins, music, diaper bag, cameras, purses & jackets. i heard a plaintive little voice, "mama? i'm hungry..."
Exhausted, i looked around & saw 7 hopeful little faces... everyone was hungry - & they were all grateful that mollen voiced the request.
i smiled - & made about a million grilled cheese sandwiches. We used almost 2 loaves of bread & a block of cheese - but my babies were happy, fed & tired by the time i cleaned my kitchen & shooed them off to bed.
Contented sigh.
Hey, Neil? i miss you like crazy, but we're thrivin' over here. The grilled cheese is rockin' & now the tiny ones are jammied & teeth brushed & tiny faces cleaned & tucked in their bunks...
When you called me & gave me chills with your, "i'm gonna try to catch an earlier flight if i can tomorrow - otherwise, all the kids'll be in bed by the time i get home..."

i managed to sound nonchalant as i choked out a, "Yeh - that would be awesome."
But for those hours in between... till you come home looking for me - i'm gonna make our days count. Throwing my hands in the air... hollering in the wind.... banging away on my piano - (i've got a song to write) - living - & teaching our littles to live too.


Jen said...

I like this.
Oh and by the way, I want that cinnamon bun recipe :)

Joy said...

Agree, and yummy grill cheese (will remember for the next rainy evening)!!

Mindy said...

I really like this!

Mimi (K's mom) said...

Yay, Paige! I am so proud of you. It's hard to parent alone (and lonely), even for a few days at a time - your kids are so lucky to have you for Mama!


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