Hope's Day... The unpublished post...

As we waited for baby Yum to come - i found i felt like writing in the afternoons... This is the post i had prepared for the morning of February 14th... i'm gonna post it now... Seems fitting as February 17th was Caleb's due date. Amidst my gratitude for this beautiful, fresh life in my home - i remember the little ones i didn't get to keep - & i'm grateful for them too.
T - thinking of you this week in your sorrow & loss...
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There are little holes in our family.
When someone asks me what number i'm currently carrying and i answer, "Seven."
i say it tentatively.
My mother's heart refuses to deny the 2 i didn't get to raise.
They have each carved their place in my life - & i can't imagine - nor do i want to imagine - the person i would be if they had never come.

February 14th 2007 -
That was Hope's day.
i'm sure there is much that could be written about these "in between" years too - the years that carried us from the Mollen years to Hope's day... from Sexsmith to Calgary... in Neil's career from production to sales... from finished finality to the possibility of more children...
But, for now - for today - i think it's time to tell you about baby Hope.
i woke up in the morning of February 12th, knowing that the life in my womb had gone...
It was the most bizarre feeling - i was still early enough in my pregnancy that, really - there shouldn't have been much to indicate there was anything awry. i had thrown up only days before - i was bloated and tired and deliriously excited to be expecting another baby.
But, when i woke up that morning, in a panic - i layed my hands on my abdomen - & the first thing i did was to cry out to God to give me my baby back. i pled with Him for the little life - remembering how in the Bible, he heard the cries of grieving mothers - and had done miraculous things. i hoped for no less for my little baby.
i felt Him say, "No".
My rational brain tried to tell me that i was being crazy... but i went to see a doctor & when she saw how distraught i was - she immediately ordered me an early ultrasound - for February 14th. "Mostly for your peace of mind..." she said.. but i could tell, she believed me.
It was Valentines day - & the littles had planned a red an pink celebration.
As they babbled excitedly about the new baby who would be attending next Valentines day - my heart silently broke & i asked them to be quiet.
Neil was gone on a business trip -
i sat at my piano & praised the God who is the giver and taker of life.

He saw me...

& in the holy hush of that heartwrenching morning - He came and met with me... and remained with me for my whole vigil - that lasted until February 26th, when finally my body let go of the little one it had longed to carry.
Those days are emblazoned on my memory - a testimony of my Father's faithfulness. There wasn't a moment i was alone - or felt abandoned.
Hope's life was a gift - a treasure.
You can read Hope's whole story here.
What a faithful, loving Father i serve....

i'll share a note i wrote to some friends yesterday that captured a bit of my heart for these tender days waiting for another precious baby - praying for peace, for health, for life...

"i'm *feeling* it this morning - it is close... like a presence. i have never felt imminent birth like this - there was too much focus on myself at the end of my other pregnancies... This is something beautiful. i'm finally getting mild *mild* contractions... Oh, God, let this be it...
Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day i found out that baby Hope had died. After we found out, Neil & i decided to wait & let baby come on it's own timing. It took almost 2 full weeks for my body to l.e.t. g.o.
i'm wondering if God's timing has anything to do with a sort of a washing & a redemption for me... Either way - i never thought these dates would come so close. Caleb's due date (my first son i lost) was February 17th... This time of year is always so poignant for me - & as i'm walking closer & closer to these dates - i feel Him walking with me.
i'm grateful."