Tuesday, November 4, 2008

shackles...

It's amazing to me, how much a person can grow, change, morph, deepen, soften, harden... & yet for some reason people want to be able to keep us in the same box they knew us in.
i remember when i was growing up, my room was always the messiest. It was horrible. i hated that it was messy... i wanted to keep it clean... i was frustrated by my seeming inability to keep my room presentable, & yet, all the way through high school & even into college, it was an area of uncontrolled *disorder*. When i married Neil, he was (is) a pretty tidy guy. He'd tidy up after himself ~ and sometimes me ~ and it embarrassed me. It wasn't very far into our marriage (the first year) that i made the choice to be done with disorder. We had a teeny little brand new (to us) home. We had renovated, painted & loved up our sweet little space & we had moved a couple of times already, so some of the 'stuff' was gone already in various packing purges. i don't know if i saw the light of day for several days. Neil would get home from work & praise me & encourage me & in the morning, i'd bring little Cairo down to our damp, dusty little basement & purge, organize & clean. When my birthday came, my mom bought me a brand new duvet cover & helped me sew little curtains & a bedskirt for our tiny bedroom. Our house became a *home*. i'd bring home sweet peas from his grandpa's garden & put them on a tidy table & during that time, something changed in me.
(*disclaimer* i do have 6 kids & homeschool, so no, my house isn't always clean & tidy... but i know now, that i can do it ~ i know how to do it ~ & i don't feel controlled by the disorder anymore).
i can't imagine now, if someone were to judge me based on the girl i was in those years gone by. i put so much effort into change & Neil was so gracious & kind with his bumbling little wife. The years between this seasoned, weathered mama & the despairing, untidy newlywed have brought *change*... i hope for the better ~ i hope i've grown, matured, become less selfish...
Recently, a sweet friend got a horrible email (anonymous... strange). i know her for the beautiful, compassionate, hard-working, funny, supportive wife & mother that she is. (i have a hard time believing that the person who wrote the email ever knew her at all...) The email seemed to have the intent of grabbing my friend by her hair & dragging her back to where she'd been rescued from ~ (i say rescued, because what else is it when Jesus comes in & takes over?) My friend, being wise, declined the invite of despair & instead has meekly written of her relationship with a forgiving God... who has been faithful to forgive, move past & to change.
You can't shackle someone to a past from which they've been freed.
"Not that i have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. " (Phil 3:12-14)

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for this post, Paige.... I am one who is still being controlled by disorder but wanting to change, but not sure how ... not wanting my past to control my future.... wanting to start a fresh page, a new life of contentment and time to be the person I know I am inside (even if others don't see it)...
Your Saskatchewan Cousin

jessica jespersen said...

Joel 2 always comes to mind when shame sets in... here are some favorite parts: "Even now," declares the LORD, return to me with all your heart...rend your heart and not your garments, return to the LORD your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten--...Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the LORD your God., and that there is no other; never again will my people be shamed. "And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters..." This is the message that keeps me comming back. The message of "redemption". -j

paige said...

((hugs)) to you, Saskatchewan Cousin... i love what jess wrote. Email me if you want ~ paige@sojourners.ca

~Anona~ said...

I agree, you are a beautiful and organized mommy for all your kidlets.

Treasured Grace said...

Thanks Paige, this was very encouraging and timely

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