Sometimes, i wish that i remembered every funny thing my kids ever said or did. i wish i could remember *why* Charter made Cai laugh so hard that night at supper, she spat out her water & it came out her nose... i wish i could remember all those little things i try to hold in my head to tell Neil when he gets home from work about who was hurting, happy, triumphant or defeated, funny, smart, or just plain cute. *If* i do remember them long enough to tell my husband, i'll sometimes try to hold them in my head as i'm drifting off... thinking, 'i gotta write that down'... but in the morning, they're gone.
i'm left with a feeling that is like a smell i recognize, but i can't place... Or a taste that is familiar, but impossible to name... a knowledge that these days are precious and *good*... but i can't remember why.
i once read a book called, "Our Lady of the Lost and Found" by Diane Schoemperlen & she said something that i can compare to that feeling. She's talking about 'divine things'... an inkling of who God is... & i'm talking about my little ones' childhoods, but still... Sometimes it helps to compare two things when one of them seems to constantly elude us...
"Day after day, week after week, year after year, I went on with my life in the usual secular way. Making meals, making beds, books, making promises, decisions and mistakes, making my own dogged way in the world, with all of these divine images stowed away somewhere in the intricate folds of my brain. They were like dream images, those ones that are so vivid when you first wake in the morning, and then within minutes they begin to fade until, by the time you get the coffee made, they have disappeared completely and you are left with nothing more than an uneasy sense of having lost something but you cannot say what."
So, in this fleeting season of mothering, i will try to capture more than just an essence of these days ~ even if it's just a tiny, random story on my blog ~ Something to remind myself that i was here & present, even if the details have evaporated. & Even more importantly, i will press in & not allow my relationship with God to be based on dreams, or imaginings. i will do my best to listen for that still small voice & follow where He leads. i will refuse to be left with a feeling of having lost something... but will continue to seek relationship... & i know i will find *truth*.
So, my favourite Sloanie quote. Captured in my little corner of blogland...
Sloanie: Granny, do you know any pompous old fools?
& Mollen's lament as she climbed into bed with Cairo last night,
Cairo: What's wrong, Molls?
Mollen: It's just that i'm the worst kid in the world.
Cairo: No, you're not!
Mollen: yes, i am. i messed up the craft cupboard *and* i left my books all over the floor.
*sigh*(big mollen sized dramatic sigh).
(Will this be as funny in a few years when that darling lisp has faded & those little dirty fingernails have a manicure? Will it still make me smile when i forget Cai's 12 year old motherly maturity?... ) So hard to capture...