Have you ever had to go up an escalator with your arms full of baby? Or maybe wearing 6 inch heels? Or maybe you've got a baby in one arm, a hot cup of coffee in the other, you're wearing 6 inch heels, and you're chasing after your husband who walks faster than some kind of a jungle cat... and you are about to step on to an escalator?
i guess what i'm trying to say is...
y'know that moment when you take your first step onto those magical stairs - you've committed with half your body weight and you're not sure if you're gonna topple or if you're gonna manage that step as seamlessly as everyone else seems to?
Or am i the only one with a thing about escalators?
i dunno...
Anyway... maybe i just don't like transitions. That's where we're at this year. Neil's transitioning his job, i'm transitioning into a girl with divorced parents & a broken family... & it's creating little ripples that are affecting my balance.
"Why do you send me 20 texts a day that say, 'i need you'? What does that mean anyway?" He seems a little short tempered & i seem a little needy & whiny...
"It means i need you. A lot."
He grimaces. We just spent the last hour watching a movie with all the littles... i sent him that last text while we were watching, little bodies pressed up against ours, spending time together - & really... what more could i possibly want?
"You talk about your pain too much... You need to be like me and push it all deep, deep down inside..." He smiles at me, "Seriously, babe, you need to analyze it less & move on more... 'cause I have no idea what you mean when you say, 'i need you' every 5 minutes..."
& how the heck am i supposed to know it what it means anyway? 'i need you'... it's kind of a cry in the dark i guess. It's a little - 'i'm off balance & i'm afraid i'm gonna drop something... i can't keep up & my shoes are pinching my feet. Can you slow down & see that this darn escalator might just make me lose my mind?
i find i'm ready for the Transition... because i see my transition as a healing. i see where i'm wounded & i know now that The Physician is in the room... i'm committing with one foot on the escalator & i want it to feel better, but the journey to get there is gonna cost me a little taste of death...
What do you want from me, Father God?
Just wait.
i can't possibly wait here. i've got one foot on the escalator, my arms are full, my husband is racing ahead and i can't believe i wore these shoes out of the house...
i feel this crushing desire to make things right - to restore the broken - to reclaim what i thought i owned...
But i can't. i'm supposed to wait.
So i fling those heels off my feet... i chuck the coffee... & even gently, sadly... put down the darling baby. i catch Neil's eye as he glances behind & sees me floundering & let him know that i'll catch up when i can & then i sit down in a broken heap on that escalator.
o the transitions will come...
They'll come...
& that escalator will take me up, up, up...
& even if i arrive shoeless & hopeless... i'll arrive at the other end of this transition.
& maybe when i get there, Neil will be waiting with a wink and a smile, "What took ya so long?"
i dunno. i don't know why everything takes me so much longer... Trust me, i have been asking God to let me pass through this one a little quicker. Grief seems to last so long and have all these annoying phases & painful recurrences. i'd rather just fast track this one... & come out the other side - accepting my individual parents & knowing that their marriage doesn't = our marriage... Confident that rejection doesn't mean i have to reject...
But no.
So, i'll get there when i get there. Hopefully stripped a little more of any residual arrogance & pride. In humility i'll arrive without the things i thought i could bring & barefoot start my journey on the other side.
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8 comments:
This post reminds me of how I felt and how I still feel sometimes...after my Dad passed away. Lx
Your post reminded me of this classic moment (skip ahead to 0.39 if you're short for time!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pXzUu8LkmI
I appreciate your posts, Paige. I don't have any advice or anything... but I really and truly appreciate your honesty. You have to go through it to get to the other side; no shortcuts.
There is a whole range of emotions that go hand in hand with the divorce thing -- and they keep changing as time passes. Shock, surprise, blame, etc. etc. I remember how angry I was the day that the final decree arrived in the mailbox ... and how it is still changing. How I am grateful when Daddy spends time with the children though it seems totally inconceivable that we spent 13.5 years living together as husband and wife. The concept is so foreign now. I can totally understand when foundations of family are shaken that you are delighting in your own brood and don't want to "fray" apart and lose what you have. I think you have to just keep living and enjoying life -- walks and hikes and little things like watching your movie together or reading to littles etc. The more you DO things as a family the more you are laying "Good" foundations and growing roots. You are not responsible for the choices of other people. You can only make your own choices. Don't know if that helps or not...
Saskatchewan Cousin
Thank you.. :)
& yes.... Totally like Elf. Totally. Heehee.
I love your honesty, and your desire to see things outside of yourself and your point of view. You're exactly where you need to be, you're not behind, and Neil wouldn't want you any other way (regardless what he thinks, lol). You are so precious and your heart is His delight. Press in. You have everything you need inside of you, b/c He's lives there, continually guiding you in all of your ways.
I get the same feelings with job tansitions that Travis makes! He has had numerous jobs and we have an understanding that when transitions come he knows that I will come bumping along behind the boat that he is driving but eventually I will climb in the boat and we will be in sync once again. I have always gotten back in the boat, I have never drowned and he now has the confidence that it just takes some time.
I have not had to double up grief with a job transition though so I feel for you.
I bet if you didn't text Neil at all one day he would totally miss it! - but he wouldn't admit it... ;)
Transitions are hard, especially if/when things are so foggy and confusing.
Hugs!
j... i wonder... he's got this gruff, steely exterior, but there's lots goin' on underneath :)
Mandy - *totally* - i wonder if it's harder for us to so often be in the "supporting role" - so little is in & so much is out of our control... i love it, but it does leave me floundering sometimes, just getting my bearings.
Dacia - thanks :) just listening hard for that whisper in the wind eh?
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