Thursday, December 15, 2011

part 2... on pain

So He loves me, eh? 
i have heard the story of Jesus Messiah - Redeemer... Saviour of the world... since i was a tiny girl. 
That's where i want to start part 2... with Him who was there since the beginning.   
i read something today & while reading it, i realized that i have developed a habit of letting my eyes gloss over that part where He loves me as an individual. For some reason, i shrug that part off. i think of myself squeaking under the wire.  He came to die for the awesome people... & i?  i just melted into the crowd behind them & He let me in like a bouncer letting in a large crowd who all arrived together. 
& i'm crying again & i feel it only a whisper as i type this today - i want so badly for you to see my heart... but...
He loves me. 
He does. 
When i arrived at the door to knock, He met me there Himself... He holds my cheeks in His hands - never letting my eyes drop from His, so that i can see the depths of His.  great.  love.  for.  me. 
& it's not because i'm awesome. 
it's because i belong to Him - that He loves me... that He measures my tears, that He hears my cries and crooning reaches down. 

Last night, i slept with ephraim while my husband, on a business trip - slept far away.  We stretched out in that king sized bed, my son & i - & i closed my eyes & willed sleep to come.  Suddenly, he cried out - not in fear, or anger - but it was a cry of intense sadness. 
"Oh, honey, honey..." i whispered in his ear, stroking his teary cheeks and pulling his tiny body close to mine... 

& How much more my Father?  How could i think less of His love for me, than the love that burns hot and deep in my heart for my tiny son? 

My friend wrote me this note....

Paige, when we have believed a lie for a long time it's like we have this deeply rutted path. When something bad happens, our mind automatically goes straight to the well worn path. And it's hard to get out. Try pulling a wagon in deep ruts and then try to pull the wagon out of the ruts. It is tough work. But it's possible....with God. So, you need to make some new ruts. Ruts that lead your mind to truth.

Are you in a painful rut like i am? 
The grooves that say, "Paige... you're not worthy of the love of God (or anyone)... you're weak, foolish and insignificant... your prayers lack power, you're just not worth it... "
Those grooves are deep.
But with whatever i can lay my hands on, i make my first scratch across that dry earth.  Scratches that will form the new grooves that my heart will take... a path that will lead me far away from this barren place - to a place where i'm abiding in Him. 
Those deep grooves won't disappear overnight... but the fresh ones cut - must be the only ones i use...
His banner over me is love.

(you can find part 1 HERE)

1 comment:

Melissa said...

Paige, as I read this - as I read how you are hearing that God loves *you* - I remember how often you have said over the years that *God is good*.

Yes, Paige, He is. He is good to *you*. Not just the masses. Not just seeing His goodness in the situations of life and society and crowds, but His goodness extends to you. Personally. Passionately. And purposefully.

His love endures...


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