i was driving in an unfamiliar part of the city one day and it was crowded and busy. i had my big van and drove carefully through the thick traffic.
At one point - in one of those unavoidable awkward traffic moments, i irritated the driver behind me. i can't even remember what happened, but i do remember that it was one of those things - that even if i had the chance to do it over again - the outcome would have remained the same because i was powerless to change the chain of events that brought it about. Regardless of my innocence, i waved my apology to her and proceeded to continue driving.
But she roared her engine behind me. As i pulled onto the deerfoot, she pulled her vehicle up beside mine and layed on her horn so that i would look to see the fury on her face that accompanied the gesture she waved at me out her drivers side window.
My heart raced. i was terrified, undone, completely cowed.
i see that scene in my mind again now.... and contemplate my fear.
i find i am afraid of anger.
i hadn't really considered this before, but i am now.
My mom tells me i have always been a peace-maker. i like the diversity that exists in humanity, and i like watching people interact with humour or kindness - as i stumble awkwardly through small talk...
But anger... especially when it's directed at me... makes me afraid.
i learned a long time ago that shame doesn't come from God - but i'm learning in my time of vulnerability and weakness - that my childlike fear doesn't come from Him either.
i liked that God didn't make me an angry person... but i'm realizing now that even though i didn't feel angry, i was still a prisoner to the wrath of others with my debilitating fear of it... i was an easy target, manipulated by hints of disappointment or coming anger.
i don't know how i'll overcome this fear... but maybe the recognition of it is my starting point?