i was driving in an unfamiliar part of the city one day and it was crowded and busy. i had my big van and drove carefully through the thick traffic.
At one point - in one of those unavoidable awkward traffic moments, i irritated the driver behind me. i can't even remember what happened, but i do remember that it was one of those things - that even if i had the chance to do it over again - the outcome would have remained the same because i was powerless to change the chain of events that brought it about. Regardless of my innocence, i waved my apology to her and proceeded to continue driving.
But she roared her engine behind me. As i pulled onto the deerfoot, she pulled her vehicle up beside mine and layed on her horn so that i would look to see the fury on her face that accompanied the gesture she waved at me out her drivers side window.
My heart raced. i was terrified, undone, completely cowed.
i see that scene in my mind again now.... and contemplate my fear.
i find i am afraid of anger.
i hadn't really considered this before, but i am now.
My mom tells me i have always been a peace-maker. i like the diversity that exists in humanity, and i like watching people interact with humour or kindness - as i stumble awkwardly through small talk...
But anger... especially when it's directed at me... makes me afraid.
i learned a long time ago that shame doesn't come from God - but i'm learning in my time of vulnerability and weakness - that my childlike fear doesn't come from Him either.
i liked that God didn't make me an angry person... but i'm realizing now that even though i didn't feel angry, i was still a prisoner to the wrath of others with my debilitating fear of it... i was an easy target, manipulated by hints of disappointment or coming anger.
i don't know how i'll overcome this fear... but maybe the recognition of it is my starting point?
5 comments:
HI Paige,
I have been trying to look at and address my fears as well and my fear of "stumbling awkwardly through small talk" is one that is stumping me. I'm not sure how to go about facing this. I like to be part of a large group if I am leading it and have lots of running around to keep me busy but to make conversation is something that I am likely to avoid. How much do I just chalk up to being part of how I am made and how much do I just have to put myself in situations that are uncomfortable? How have you dealt with this part of your personality?
I love small talk. In fact, I completely over due it with small talk... But I wasn't always that way. Seriously awkward. I've learned that I needed to ask lots and lots of questions.... I didn't have much choice in learning it as my hubby and I would go visit people he had known forever and he would drop me off at the door somewhere new and go off to the shop to visit the guys. I am not joking when I tell you that I was sick, not just emotionally, but physically sick, every time he did that. Oddly enough that didn't bother him... I had to learn so fast. I shudder looking back at those days! But, it did make me stronger.... painful as it was.
Now, dealing with angry people. I'm a mess. I turn into a puddle. I hope I don't have to deal with a lot of people angry with me to get over it!!
Love it!! Great food for thought, Sara! Mandy - i'd love to try to work on a post about this because i do think it's post worthy :)
haha Sara L... it's hard for me to imagine you not good at small talk. I guess our talks were never "small" though :)
Lola, is issue now is more learning to be quiet... haha I sure could use a good Doula talk with you again though!
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