Wednesday, October 5, 2011

peace be still

He woke at midnight - writhing and angry.  i shushed, offered water, walked, nursed, comforted with lights on - and off, held tight, and let loose.  Nothing worked. 
He screamed - the blue veins sticking out of his tiny furious neck. 
i could NOT get him to stop.  
It was the most insane thing. 
Neil got up after the first hour to see what (ahem), *on earth*- was happening & then went back to bed with the bathroom fan on. i don't blame him - he has no patience & this was beyond him helping.  Baby wasn't just 'fussing' he was all out going crazy. i covered his mouth for parts of it because it was so incredibly loud & the other littles were (trying to) sleep.
Finally... spent - at age 35 - i bowed my head and cried.  Big alligator tears slid down my haggard face as i sat & beheld rage and had not. one. more. tool in my mothering toolbox. 
"Oh God - you told the wind and the rain to be calm, and they obeyed you.  Can't you still this small boy for his crying mama?"
& i turned... expecting him to fall into a peaceful slumber...
But he didn't. 
The child raged on. 
For two full hours he screamed - until he was utterly spent - and slowly, painfully (painfully because if i moved an inch in the wrong direction, he would start screaming again) - my son finally went back to sleep. 
And i wondered why God didn't answer that little prayer in the affirmative.  Such a small thing to get hung up on - when there is hunger and famine, sickness, death and disease in our world.  It was a baby's tantrum that caused me to wonder in fascination at the prayers that aren't answered. 
It feels like a months... years long conversation i am having with my Father.  He teaches me, and conforms my heart to His.  He hears - and sees... yet is sometimes not heard or seen.  He is compassionate, full of love - and yet He is Holy and just.
& i long to be already arrived - changed, conformed, made perfect... & the raging world around me flings me to my knees - hungry for more of Him.


Carol said...

Oh dear! A two-hour screaming session in the middle of the night can feel, at the time, as big as major world issues - and certainly worthy of some of your tears. I wonder if he has an ear infection or something? Hope you all have a better night tonight.

paige said...

aw, thanks carol :)
Nope... no pain - just fury. He is such a morning baby tho - so happy, bubbly & cheerful - you can't help but forgive him when the sun comes up :)


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