Monday, October 24, 2011

15 minutes... in one minute increments

The past few Fridays, i've gone to pray at the abortion clinic on 5th Ave before arriving at McKenzie Towne church for my "15 on Friday"...
This past Friday leaves me still struggling days later. 
My prayers at the clinic were wordless - and i found it hard.  Just... *hard*...
i was cold, hungry and i had woken up with a headache that was getting worse by the minute... i was feeling anti social - and i felt like going home, eating lunch and then crawling into a warm bath - & going straight to bed. 
Softie was with me because she had been watching a new friend's 3 year old at the park while we prayed together. 
"o, sloanie..." i muttered, "i don't wanna go pray at the church."
But i pulled into that parking lot - and left her in the warm van and dragged myself to the steps to pray.  
i prayed every thought in my head.  i went from memory and prayed the Lord's prayer.  i tried to sing & my voice was weak & thin.  My mind barked at me.  i felt tired, hungry, sad and cold.  Breakfast felt forever ago - and Supper light years away...  
Surely i have been here longer than 15 minutes!  Surely i could be done this time and go home.  i looked at my clock.  4 minutes had elapsed. 
4 minutes. 
Brokenly, i cried to the One who hears me... "i'm too weak.  You asked your disciples for one hour, and i can't give you 15 minutes...You fasted in the wilderness for 40 days, and i can't give you the hours between breakfast and supper."
i stood up, and paced the steps, and spoke aloud to my Creator.... and minute by minute, my 15 minutes elapsed and finally i found myself back in my warm van heading home to my little ones.  
i texted my mama, "Hardest Friday yet.  i'm hungry, cold, shaking... i have a headache, am full of self pity and don't have any words to pray..."
& she texted me back only truth.
"yes... hard..." 


Sara L said...

I've been thinking of you often... I'll remind myself to pray for you... I find it hard to put into words the thoughts that surround these issues. Mainly the abortion issue is what I'm thinking of. It's so easy to feel horrified and to move on and try to avoid thinking about it. In once sense, it hadn't dawned on me to do more then that. I love that you're praying. I love the 40 days for life (did I tell you my hubby is a big supporter of this?). I love that this reminds the rest of us to pray. Thanks for posting about these things....

I met a friend of yours this weekend. We were at a family camp. Juanita. Oh, I don't know if I heard her last name... Anyways, I thought about you because another friend of mine lives in your area and is also a homeschooler of simliar aged kids. She was telling me how she has lots of friends but not a ton of homeschooling friends. Anyways, Juanita was there and she mentioned you too! Small world :)

Must run, big big day. Oh I haven't been commenting lately cause it's just been so busy... But I read when I can and I love what you write :)

Carol said...

Don't be too hard on yourself, Paige. It's good to have a goal and stick to it, but if you are not feeling well, I'm sure God would understand - He's not legalistic and He understands our human frailties.

paige said...

no, you're right, Carol. God isn't demanding any of this from me. But at the same time, i see value in pressing on even when it's not easy anymore. & even though sometimes i'll be preoccupied with my own discomfort - this is a season where i am trying to be intentional about growing those "spiritual muscles" - so that i can 'watch and pray' for that full hour in the garden with my Jesus...
Sara - hey - thanks for the encouragement. It has sure been a hard (but good) month for me so far :) Maybe you guys will make it out to the vigil one day :) i know it would be quite a drive for you!!


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