Monday, October 10, 2011

a part of something bigger than me

i know... i know - this is old news - but let me recap... i started writing the 40 Days for Life blog at the end of September.  i have only made it to that sidewalk 3 times to pray so far... but i'll go more. 
And then there has been my own personal vigil - my "15 on Friday" offering. If my count is right - there are only 11 more Fridays to go until Christmas.
i feel - distinctly - that God is gently shepherding me through some dark waters. 
He keeps bringing to my life more and more and more opportunities to pray...
i have felt so exhausted and overwhelmed and weak - that i have been asking... begging... for prayer - like i never have at any other time in my life.

i remember an irritating little stage i went through one summer in one of those 'tween' years. i think of it as the, "i don't really give a care" phase, 'cause that's what i said... a lot... in my flippant pre-teen way, (even though i wasn't silly enough to really believe what i said, 'cause i did care).   

And i do. Care.

i'm finding my mind in my tiredness reverting to that lazy way of thinking. As i get busy - and tired - and at times overwhelmed... i'm just too tired to care. i want to slough it off - to close my eyes and slap my hands over my ears and hum loudly.  i don't want to hear any more sadness - i don't want to enter in to any more pain.  i want to use every spare ounce of muscle i've got to hold the reigns of my own life.
Gimme the wheel, Jesus...
& so i struggle to find my fight - in my puddle of 'give up'...
i try to remember why He wants me to care in the first place... why He wants me to wrap myself up so completely in His work - that i leave the wheel of my life in His capable hands. 
Why these hard things, Father - that exhaust me?
Remind me why they matter...
& i watch little ephraim trying to communicate with me, using his chubby index finger to tell me what he wants... i feel his bony resistant body finally surrender to being held... He fights me and i see a tiny face register disbelief that his wishes aren't being granted - & i see the lesson being learned by my son presented to his mama too, "you're not the only person who matters..."
i find glimmers of that passion that pushes me to be a better mama- a better wife - a more selfless human being... but more than that, my weakness teaches me to be a more surrendered Follower of Christ.
i'm not the only person that matters. 
There is a bigger... Master... plan that is better than anything i can ever imagine.
& that's something i want desperately to be a part of.

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