He whispers words of Truth -
& in my barren loneliness...
He lifts my eyes.
An' i'm still struggling.
& in sadness, my courage lags.
But His eyes hold mine - my chin in His hand...
Sometimes what i write is only for me, but this time...? This time, i wanna explain.
& i don't care if it sounds like smallish sadnesses.
They're my little sadnesses - & we each have our own prickling sorrows that threaten to drown us on the days they find us vulnerable:
Neil is on the road. & as is the case often when he's on the road, there are no phone calls, no email - no texts...
i have a friend whose husband travels too (there are so many of us nowadays...) & she confided to me her frustration one day when the phone rang for the sixth time... he was so lonely & he just wanted the sounds of home.
Not so for my Neil... His days and his nights are full of people, work, events - & he's immersed in the work that he's doing away. So some days i bravely pretend i don't need contact - & others i cockily send him more emails than he could possibly read - & on a few, i just give in to loneliness.
For some reason today is just one of those vulnerable days; i'm lonely for him. & when there's no contact, i whisper to my sensitive soul, "you're not worth the effort..."
i almost made myself cry today with that pitiful thought...
Until - i realized - "& so what? What if those whisperings that i know to be lies are truth? What if *to Neil* i'm not worth the effort? Does that determine my value? If so, there's something wrong with that picture..."
It was like i had been looking at a pretty flower in my hand, but then my eyes were raised to see a whole multicoloured plain in front of me covered in delicate blossoms. The sun pours generously down on them dappling each petal with it's golden delicacy...
Shouldn't i rather find my value in the eyes of the One who created me to be His?
& yeh, my flesh wants the man i love.
My flesh cries & sorrows a little.
But my soul is sustained - & even in this struggling sort of day, i'm held.