Friday, June 10, 2011

a struggling sort of day...

Courage failing,
sadness looming,
He whispers words of Truth -
& in my barren loneliness...
He lifts my eyes.
An' i'm still struggling.
& in sadness, my courage lags.
But His eyes hold mine - my chin in His hand...

Sometimes what i write is only for me, but this time...? This time, i wanna explain.
& i don't care if it sounds like smallish sadnesses.
They're my little sadnesses - & we each have our own prickling sorrows that threaten to drown us on the days they find us vulnerable:
Neil is on the road. & as is the case often when he's on the road, there are no phone calls, no email - no texts...
i have a friend whose husband travels too (there are so many of us nowadays...) & she confided to me her frustration one day when the phone rang for the sixth time... he was so lonely & he just wanted the sounds of home.
Not so for my Neil... His days and his nights are full of people, work, events - & he's immersed in the work that he's doing away. So some days i bravely pretend i don't need contact - & others i cockily send him more emails than he could possibly read - & on a few, i just give in to loneliness.
For some reason today is just one of those vulnerable days; i'm lonely for him. & when there's no contact, i whisper to my sensitive soul, "you're not worth the effort..."
i almost made myself cry today with that pitiful thought...
Until - i realized - "& so what? What if those whisperings that i know to be lies are truth? What if *to Neil* i'm not worth the effort? Does that determine my value? If so, there's something wrong with that picture..."
It was like i had been looking at a pretty flower in my hand, but then my eyes were raised to see a whole multicoloured plain in front of me covered in delicate blossoms. The sun pours generously down on them dappling each petal with it's golden delicacy...
Shouldn't i rather find my value in the eyes of the One who created me to be His?
& yeh, my flesh wants the man i love.
My flesh cries & sorrows a little.
But my soul is sustained - & even in this struggling sort of day, i'm held.


fawne said...

me like!!

Alisdair said...

Having a struggle here too... found out Ally is not going to pass his swimming next week... he is weak in too many areas. And although the instructor said he is markedly improved, it is still a sore spot for the lad. And it is hard as a Mum to see a kid hurting and down on themselves. Hope Neil is home soon... John is one of those phone six times a day guy (just to check up on what you're doing)... sometimes I feel like I can't get anything done as he is phoning telling me to turn the water on the garden or to unplug the heater or something... so it goes both ways!!!

Sask. Cousin

paige said...

o, denise - that's hard!
What a great skill for him to keep working on though. He'll feel so much stronger next time. ((hugs)) mama - may you have the words to encourage him in his discouragement!


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