Wednesday, June 1, 2011

early morning goodbyes... late night hello's...

When goodbyes and hello's are separated by days of waiting...
and his side of the bed becomes cool to the touch.
i think about having a husband who doesn't travel.
It happened so quickly - my getting used to his easy presence these last months when the economy has slowed his travel... A couple days here, a couple days there; this is the way to do things, i thought.
But travel can only be pushed off so long, and his travel bag itches to get back on the road - so reluctantly i surrender.
And here's the part where i post my moments of insanity pitiful thoughts verbatim...
"If he doesn't call by 10AM, 11AM noon, it means he doesn't really love me."
"When he calls, i'm gonna pretend i don't care..."
"i'm gonna call him..."
"No wait... when he calls, i'm not gonna answer the phone."
"i wish he would call me."
"If he doesn't call by 4PM, it means he's been killed in a car accident."
"i can't believe i wasn't gonna pick up the phone & he's lying bleeding and dying in a ditch somewhere..."
"i'm gonna call him..."
"Shoot. He's probably in a meeting, i'll wait it out a bit..."
At the stroke of the supper hour, the phone rings. A snotty baby sobs pitifully as he tries to climb into my lap. Nobody can find a cordless phone, and i'm attached to the wall in the smallest room of our house with 7 children all talking to me at the same time.
Breathlessly, i answer the call i've been waiting for for the past 26 hours and 14 minutes (if i were a counting sort of girl...)
"Hey, what are you up to?" He asks.
Beside me... mayhem. i hold the baby who is reaching down my shirt, smearing his gooey face all over my shoulder. Sunshine boy has stubbed his toe, and his indignant shrieks pierce the high heavens. My two big girls look at me expectantly mouthing, "What's for supper? We have to leave in a half hour!!" Two other children start arguing about the possibility of having friends sleep over, and my son tries wiggle onto the seat i'm occupying so he can play a game on the computer.
*giant sob*
"Hang on a sec..." i beg. i hold the phone away from my mouth and give the death glare all around. Just as i'm about to speak into the phone again, baby howls brokenheartedly and i hear Neil's wry mutter from a province away, "Thanks, that's way better..."
"i'll talk to you later, it sounds like it's kind of crazy there right now..."
"Yeh... it kind of is."
And i wish fervently in that moment that it wasn't.
& i hope feverishly that he still loves me.
& i consider it a blessed good fortune that we don't have video phone because i look hideous and i wonder if he can hear hideousness in my voice.
& i try to sound nonchalant as i return the phone to it's cradle, and find a kleenex for the baby & count down the minutes till our next 'hello'.


lovefam6 said...

It's just not pretty sometimes is it? I laugh as I type this, not at you, but with you as you bear your soul to the world. I'm so thankful that you know the grace of God surrounds you in your moment to moments, and that even though you don't always think or behave like you'd want to, it's still always okay. I <3 your ability to be honest at all times, even when it's not becoming. I still think you are one of the most admirable mamas there ever was ;)

lovefam6 said...

*bare your soul

Laura said...

oh, friend. I know those moments, waiting and so excited like in your dating days, very nearly - waiting for that phone call, the sweet relief of his voice on the other end, a moment to regroup, reflect, and to be ready to take on the rest of the day solo.

and it just doesn't happen due to the life around you. there is a reason for that. (this is me giving myself advice, now)

must be about patience, or something... I also run through those same scenarios waiting for the elusive phone calls. sigh.

strength be with you, my faraway friend. peace and joy and patience. you are an inspiration to me, and to all who wander here. thank you for that, amidst the snotty noses and screeching and dinners that don't make themselves.

love to you. thank God for you.

Mike K said...

Great site. I would like to add you to the one I just started if you approve
I have put together a daily blog intended to be used as an additional study tool for you and your child. History, math, science, vocabulary, and geography are given every day many with a link to the document to study. I also have researched sources that I hope may be helpful to you as an aide for your child. The site is actually very child friendly in terms of use.
I ask you to visit it and see what it has to offer. The first post “The Furniture of the Human Mind” will explain the site and hopefully you will look around.
Thank You

Sara L said...

Oh I soooo get this.... I love that your wrote about! I do the exact same thing, my sister thinks I'm crazy. My hubby works outta town off and on too. It's not regular likes yours, but usually a couple times a year. I find the first week I miss him like crazy, and I think I'm going crazy since I no longer have that deep voice to grab little ones attention for me. The second week I start resigning myself to my lot in life... and figuring out ways to make it work and not miss him so much cause I just can't live in that spot. Then the third week, I finally get my groove. I'm more used to him being gone and I feel like I can handle life again. Then he get's home and I'm like 'hey, you're throwing me off buddy' hahahaha, yet at the same time, so so happy to see him again!

I used to feel silly for missing him so much when he was gone, but then he told me that it's the one at home who always misses more. The one away is busy, and you're not expecting that other person to be there. But the one at home... notices the empty bed... and that favorite chair. and and and....
Anyways, I wrote far too much!


paige said...

hehe - i'm glad you guys can see through my silly drama to my heart :)
Laura - i have often had just that same thought - that God is working something out in me for His purpose & pleasure & i wanna be soft enough to receive that.
& Sara - totally true about the one at home missing more!
i have found that it's not good to go into survival mode (letting the littles eat popcorn for supper & the laundry pile up...) i want life to retain some kinda normal - & them to remember mama makin' it special - & good - when daddy packed that bag...


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