movement

y'know - i was laying in bed the other night, trying to describe to myself what these first fickle movements of a baby inside feel like...
i've heard it descried as a twitch, a muscle spasm, a tightening, a gas bubble, like a butterfly's wings...
i'm always left completely dissatisfied with the first movements. i hold my breath... suck in my tummy, remain motionless... 'do that again, baby...' & there's silence...
Did i imagine that? Even if i felt it with my hand on the outside, was it a kick or my stomach rumbling, or did is my mind playing tricks on me?
You'd think after this many babies, i'd be a cocky pro... but it's not like that for me... i feel like a nervous first time mom most of the time... i've never been pregnant with *this* baby before... This baby required a whole 'nother leap of faith... This baby might kick more, or less, or sooner, or later than my other babies. This baby might be strong, or fragile, this pregnancy might be easy, or filled with difficulty...
& so, as i layed there with my eyes closed, willing this baby to kick, the picture that was in my minds eye was of the northern lights.
i can remember at least 3 times in my life where they literally took my breath away. Flashes of red, green white & yellow flying and dancing in the most unreal way across the sky. i remember the first time i saw them, i couldn't believe what i was seeing... or that something so flashy and unbelievable could be found in nature.
This is like watching your tummy move with babe inside during the third trimester.
But, i remember many, many, many times driving home in the dark, and seeing one white flash of light across the night sky & thinking to myself... is that the northern lights? Was that some kind of reflection in the sky? If i stand here, will it repeat itself?
Sometimes it will, but sometimes that one little flash, that little gift, that lingering streak across the sky - that was all i got...
& so baby, as you grow and become stronger, i will try to be satisfied with your little gifts - the little nudges and pokes that tell me you're ok... i will trust that no amount of worry, or obsessing, or wishing will change the outcome of my Father's perfect will for your life. & i will enjoy - with wonder - the northern lights display that you create.