Friday, August 21, 2009

easing past 16 weeks

16 weeks has always been a special milestone for me in pregnancy... ever since i lost my second baby in that week, it has become a huge glaring marker for me to pass. i've heard other women who have lost babies say the same thing... Now, i have 2 markers... Will i make it past 13 weeks? Will i make it past 16 weeks?
According to the imaginary "due date" that we're using, i'm 16 weeks and 5 days.
At this time, i usually feel like i know just exactly what this baby must look like... i remember exactly those little fingers with unbelievably tiny exquisite fingernails... That little face looking just exactly like Cairo's "tiny baby" dolly. When i feel a little kick, i imagine Caleb's little legs - & i know just how much effort must have gone into that gentle nudge.
It's funny - all these years pass - & yet i found myself writing in my journal just the other day, 'i miss that little boy'....
i considered writing a post for today called "homeward bound" because hopefully by tonight i'll be home & get to sleep in my own bed after a beautiful visit with my sister... but when i tried to write the word "home," all i could think about was heaven.
i feel like the ties that pull me heavenward grow every year.
My love for Jesus increases,
my trust in His goodness encompasses,
& my reunion with my loved ones - though delayed - is coming.
The fruit of Caleb's life is bountiful. He gave me a glimpse into the womb - & increased my passion for life & for the little ones growing inside. He made me turn my face toward my Comforter - & i learned that He was my Source. He created a bond between his mama & heaven - & increased my hunger for that place. His little life is one more bond between his daddy and me - that will always join us together. Caleb taught me all about gratitude... & now i don't know how i lived with so little of it before.
& so, to the little one growing inside - i am so grateful to have had you for these 16 weeks - & even more grateful to God as we ease past that little marker in my mind. You won't likely ever know how your mama would have been a different mama if it hadn't been for the big brother that you'll never know here...
But know that he changed me - just as surely as your little life is changing me...
& for that -
i'm grateful.


carol said...

Beautiful post!

Jen said...

I like this.
It's beautiful.
Those little lives had so much purpose didn't they - as short as it was here on earth.
Makes us better mamma's I think.

Christine said...

I am so glad that all is going well with your pregnancy. I will be at 13 weeks, tomorrow. Blessings!


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