shrinking family

Neil had to go on a business trip this week - & because his trip took him to his parent's doorstep, he decided to bring along 3 of our small fry for a visit.
's lonely here without my whole little crew...
Don't get me wrong, i got to keep Mollen, Gage & Cairo... o! and little person inside too - who decided to keep me company one night with a little 'northern lights display' when sleep failed to come... so, it's far from boring...
but i miss my Sloanie, Peyton & Charter.... nevermind Neil...
Meals are easier - there are a few less messes - the noise level is down a touch...
But, there are less playmates... less helping hands... less conversation around the dinner table.
i wouldn't trade my little piece of chaos for anything.

Pure Joy

A series of photographs titled "Pure Joy" by the photographers, Sloanie & Cairo...
i know, i know... i never post on the weekends, & here i am bloggin' on both Saturday & Sunday, but i'm lonesome beyond belief, so either you can do like the vast majority of the universe does & ignore me - or you can gaze with wonder at my miracle baby.

In this series of photographs, the subject was asked to "smile".

He performs beautifully, doesn't he?

Jesus Loves Me...

Got stuck in traffic tonight... crazy, long, sit at a dead stop stuck in traffic.
i got thinking about this song.
y'know that line, "take my heart, conform it..."
i got stuck there.
Like, long, sit at a dead stop stuck.
i realized that if i give Him my heart...
& He conforms it... it will break.
It will break for the broken, fallen, sinful world we live in.
It will break for the little children who are unsafe in their own homes.
It will break for the poor, the the destitute, the helpless & hopeless.
It will break for my own failures & sin.
If He conforms my heart - & it becomes more like His - & less like the world... it'll be even more uncomfortable. i'll find even less places where i fit in... that human desire 'to be understood' - will be even more of a laughable goal. Don't i know that His ways are not understandable?
Oh, God... if i give you my heart, it won't be safe there, will it?
Sometimes i long for the safety of a hard heart.
Honestly.
It's sort of like a delayed gratification thing isn't it? i give Him my heart now - & he begins a transformation - a work - a demolition... that one day will render my heart beautiful... i need to believe that it's worth it.
So, i take all my knowledge of my Servant King...
& i ask myself, "is He trustworthy?"
The answer is yes...

o, Jesus

So, take my hard, dirty heart...
conform it - to Yours...
Break to bits the pieces of me that allow me to conform to a world filled with hatred & distain - & break my heart with your Love. Gone is my impulse to keep crawling off the altar... replaced with a consuming desire to be. more. like. You.

ready for anything...

Mollen is starting kindergarten.
i'm nervous for completely different reasons than i was with my other children. At our house, the children get a choice if they want to go to Kindergarten & then it's homeschool for grade 1. The big girls didn't get a choice, but by the time Charter came along, i let him choose & he wanted to go. Mollen made the same choice.
The reason i'm biting my nails?

What is she going to say while she's there?

Just the other day, Neil was at the kitchen sink & as she walked behind him, she smacked his behind & said, "Hey, you ol' loooove machine."
& honestly? He didn't even flinch.
*That's* how used to her we have become. i see that cute little mouth - with perfect pink lips. Adorable blue eyes & that sweet little blondie blunt cut & think... how can that sweet little girl be matched with that feisty, fiery, quirky personality?
i know when people come up to me & say, "Guess what Mollen just said to me?" that i'd better start apologizing... & i can't help but blush.
So, i guess i will just be ready for anything.
& i hope Mrs. Purdy is too.

beautiful babe

So, copying & pasting from an email for you all to read:
First of all, i walked in there & the u/s tech was the same one who did my horrible ultrasound after i had lost baby Hope - ugh... It was in the other opposite corner of the city & so i never ever would have thought i'd see that guy again. Lame. Gave me a yuck feeling to start with, but i managed to get over it.
AND, he outright told me the sex without warning!!!!! So, there goes all my agonizing about finding out! When i told everyone that i knew when we got out to the vehicle, they all decided they wanted to know - BUT, they want to keep it just our family’s secret till the baby comes... (Cai’s idea, wouldn’t you guess?) i don't know if we'll be able to keep it a secret, but i'm game if they want to try. (Can you imagine mollen & charter keeping a secret for FIVE months??) Besides, i know u/s can be wrong, so i always doubt even when i find out!
Babe was measuring a few days ahead (i don't believe that for a second... i know this will be a feb baby)... & all looked good. My glimpses of the baby were very very very short - i felt really rushed & couldn't see very well from laying on the table, but i'm pretty sure we have a cutie pie on our hands. You should have seen that cute little heart beat just givin' er. Sweet little wave too (no offer, or opportunity to buy pics either...) gorgeous little legs all tucked in with bum in the air... breech... hopefully that'll change... Anterior placenta (explains my faint kicks i've been getting... bummer! but, it's nice & far away from my cervix & that's more important).
I’m feeling a lot more confident, knowing that all looks great & seeing the teeny one on the screen.... *yay*. & yet, strangely patient! Now, on to the exceedingly difficult task of thinking of names... (this makes me think it was a good idea to know that intimate detail as now we’ll only have to agonize about 1 name instead of 2).

just a reminder...

The phone rang...
"Hello, Paige, we're just calling to remind you about your scheduled ultrasound appointment on Wednesday at 1pm."
i almost laugh. Do i tell her i've thought of little else? Or that i have a count down chart at the back of my journal? Or how about that every, single morning, i've told the kids how many more days we'd have to wait before going to see the wee one on that grainy black & white screen...
"i didn't even come close to forgetting." i say.
i can hear her smiling on the other end of the phone.
"Do you remember your instructions?"
"i have to drink about a gallon of water an hour before, so i'm squirming..."
"um, just a litre" She laughs.
Ya, right... tell that to my bladder.
"See you on Wednesday." She hangs up.
Baby, i am a huge nerd & i can't wait to see you in your secret hiding place...

grinding, halting, starting the engine again...

Actually, it's just me grinding & halting.
The littles were chomping at the bit to get going at *school* again, so i finally gave up on waiting for the calendar to say September & got going. i'm grateful that i planned out our year in the spring, so i knew what we were doing & it was just a matter of us sitting down & *doing* it. The resources were purchased (almost all of them), the supplies were stocked, the schedules planned & my little ones saw no reason to delay.
They decided that 9 am was the time. They were all sitting around the table (even Gage) in his highchair - & each had a binder in front of them. Someone had even thoughtfully placed my history books at my place at the table.
The timer went off at 8:59 & they started calling me to come...
i walked in & hooted, "Gooooood mooooorning, Children!! Who's excited for the new school year?" & to my surprise & delight was met with a table full of cheering little ones.
i love summer break - that it allows us to enjoy our too brief warm season - & that when we start back, we're excited, refreshed & ready for more.
i *know* that we will all have days where we don't feel like having the stellar attitudes that were displayed today & that it won't be as much fun to blog about those days... but yesterday - Day 1 - was a beautiful beginning & i'm ready to quit digging in my heels & run with the littles as we begin our homeschooling journey for 09/10.

still small voice...

what's...
He...
whispering?
Is it an uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach?
sprouts of joy beginning in your heart?
a need, push, shove to keep on keeping on?
listen...

love this

Was reminded today that whether or not we think we are teaching our little ones about God, they are learning something of what we think of Him from us... from our words, lack of words, actions, lack of actions, attitudes, answers & choices...
It affirmed for me some of the choices that i've made - & encouraged me to be purposeful in teaching my little ones what i know to be true.... and to teach them to continue to try to find answers for the Truth we still need to uncover.
4 Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. [a] 5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. deuteronomy 6

easing past 16 weeks

16 weeks has always been a special milestone for me in pregnancy... ever since i lost my second baby in that week, it has become a huge glaring marker for me to pass. i've heard other women who have lost babies say the same thing... Now, i have 2 markers... Will i make it past 13 weeks? Will i make it past 16 weeks?
According to the imaginary "due date" that we're using, i'm 16 weeks and 5 days.
At this time, i usually feel like i know just exactly what this baby must look like... i remember exactly those little fingers with unbelievably tiny exquisite fingernails... That little face looking just exactly like Cairo's "tiny baby" dolly. When i feel a little kick, i imagine Caleb's little legs - & i know just how much effort must have gone into that gentle nudge.
It's funny - all these years pass - & yet i found myself writing in my journal just the other day, 'i miss that little boy'....
i considered writing a post for today called "homeward bound" because hopefully by tonight i'll be home & get to sleep in my own bed after a beautiful visit with my sister... but when i tried to write the word "home," all i could think about was heaven.
i feel like the ties that pull me heavenward grow every year.
My love for Jesus increases,
my trust in His goodness encompasses,
& my reunion with my loved ones - though delayed - is coming.
The fruit of Caleb's life is bountiful. He gave me a glimpse into the womb - & increased my passion for life & for the little ones growing inside. He made me turn my face toward my Comforter - & i learned that He was my Source. He created a bond between his mama & heaven - & increased my hunger for that place. His little life is one more bond between his daddy and me - that will always join us together. Caleb taught me all about gratitude... & now i don't know how i lived with so little of it before.
& so, to the little one growing inside - i am so grateful to have had you for these 16 weeks - & even more grateful to God as we ease past that little marker in my mind. You won't likely ever know how your mama would have been a different mama if it hadn't been for the big brother that you'll never know here...
But know that he changed me - just as surely as your little life is changing me...
& for that -
i'm grateful.

Dear Mom

As the oldest child involved in the 'prank' I feel the need to apologize on behalf of all involved for our behaviour.
When we started, we meant it as a joke, we never thought it would hurt anyone and we certainly didn't think it would go as far as poop.
Pranks are supposed to be a fun thing for both ends. We thought hoped p&r would laugh with us, but it didn't turn out that way and we are very sorry.
Please forgive us.

The Dangers of Motherhood

They say that being sleep and water deprived can inhibit our ability to make wise decisions. Mothers who are nursing are usually deprived of both of these things - & last night my sister had an experience that illuminates the risks one is taking on this sometimes perilous path of motherhood.
As evening crept in - my workhorse sister realised how thirsty she had become (when i say workhorse, seriously, you gotta see this woman in action...un - real). Anyway... she saw an open bottle of water... At this point, for the rest of the world, bright red flashing lights & alarm bells would be going on. An open water bottle - in a house with 2 babies & 10 other children 12 & under *might* be something that anyone familiar with the term "backwash" might be tempted to avoid... but in her weakened state, she grabbed the water bottle & guzzled....
Until a corn nut became lodged in her throat.
She said she was still thirsty - but decided it might be best to find another source of water.
i gotta say, i agreed.

movement

y'know - i was laying in bed the other night, trying to describe to myself what these first fickle movements of a baby inside feel like...
i've heard it descried as a twitch, a muscle spasm, a tightening, a gas bubble, like a butterfly's wings...
i'm always left completely dissatisfied with the first movements. i hold my breath... suck in my tummy, remain motionless... 'do that again, baby...' & there's silence...
Did i imagine that? Even if i felt it with my hand on the outside, was it a kick or my stomach rumbling, or did is my mind playing tricks on me?
You'd think after this many babies, i'd be a cocky pro... but it's not like that for me... i feel like a nervous first time mom most of the time... i've never been pregnant with *this* baby before... This baby required a whole 'nother leap of faith... This baby might kick more, or less, or sooner, or later than my other babies. This baby might be strong, or fragile, this pregnancy might be easy, or filled with difficulty...
& so, as i layed there with my eyes closed, willing this baby to kick, the picture that was in my minds eye was of the northern lights.
i can remember at least 3 times in my life where they literally took my breath away. Flashes of red, green white & yellow flying and dancing in the most unreal way across the sky. i remember the first time i saw them, i couldn't believe what i was seeing... or that something so flashy and unbelievable could be found in nature.
This is like watching your tummy move with babe inside during the third trimester.
But, i remember many, many, many times driving home in the dark, and seeing one white flash of light across the night sky & thinking to myself... is that the northern lights? Was that some kind of reflection in the sky? If i stand here, will it repeat itself?
Sometimes it will, but sometimes that one little flash, that little gift, that lingering streak across the sky - that was all i got...
& so baby, as you grow and become stronger, i will try to be satisfied with your little gifts - the little nudges and pokes that tell me you're ok... i will trust that no amount of worry, or obsessing, or wishing will change the outcome of my Father's perfect will for your life. & i will enjoy - with wonder - the northern lights display that you create.

Houf Artid.

The joys of travelling in a small van for 4 hours with 6 children & no husband.
i've arrived at my sister's house - & though i thought molls would crush her poor nose with her 2 index fingers (poor kid had to sit beside Charter the whole way), the children all appear none the worse for wear.
i'm actually looking forward to the fact that with this baby, we've officially outgrown our vehicles as a 12 passenger van is sounding like heaven to me at this point.

rubber glue

i love being married.
My husband has this uncanny ability to catch my kids off guard with his goofiness & last night was no exception. That night, Sloanie was his target.
"Hey, Sloanie... i'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."
"Dad, you're annoying."
He starts laughing this hilarious, diabolical, grade 5, most annoying boy in the class laugh till finally she gets it and the corners of her mouth start to turn up.
"i mean, you're really cool, Dad."
(Still laughing his fake little boy laugh) "It's too late, Sloanie, it sticks to YOOOOUUUUUU."
Supper is served.

learning to talk

i've been a part of a "birth board" since learning i was pregnant with Gagey way back in May of '07. It's fun sometimes to hear of other little ones hitting different milestones & seeing how all these babies, born in such a small time frame, have all grown & developed at different rates. Recently, one mom wrote about her daughter's incredible verbal skills. It's probably Gagey's weakest area, so i was really interested to hear what some of the other little babies were capable of.
Afterwards, i was telling Cairo what they could do & she *insisted* that we needed to work with G on his numbers. We placed 3 pens in front of him & pointing to the first one said, "ONE." He smiled at us, seeing a game beginning & parroted, "ONE!" Clapping his fat little hands & giggling when we clapped & cheered for him. Cairo immediately took the success as a sign to think big, so she pointed to the next two pens and exclaimed slowly, "T W O, T H R E E!!!" Gagey pointed at the pens and said, "DOS, TRES!"
Cairo, stunned, looked at me & said, "He's speaking Spanish!!" (Have i mentioned that Gage is Cai's sun, moon and stars? Funny, loyal girlie.)
We laughed & repeated the numbers again & again for him.
Finally, we figured it was time to count something else. Cai went & got three little cars for him out of the toybox. Immediately, all interest in verbalizing beyond "broooooomm brooooom" was gone. Cai decided it was time to teach him how to *say* car, so she held up one little car, looked him right in his bright blue eyes & said oh. so. slowly....
"C A R, Gagey, can you say C A R??!"
He stopped playing for just a moment, held up a car and repeated in the exact same slooooowww voice that she used, "D O G".
These sure are funny, sweet moments - learning to talk...
He's only 18months, i'm in no rush for my strong, silent boy to become a proficient talker - & besides, i'm realising that there is a lot of marrow to be sucked from these sweet learning moments of toddlerhood. So, i'll just enjoy this phase, knowing that soon he'll be talking like the rest of this little brood & maybe i'll forget the way he used his chubby hands to communicate, & maybe one day i'll forget the sound of Mollen's fading lisp or the way my little ones mispronounced the words "pancake" or "container" or made up lyrics to songs that made sense to only them...
One day i'm sure, they'll all communicate better than i do...
& when that day comes, i'll be the proud momma telling my Gagey baby how he could count in Spanish when he was only 18 months old.

on coping with morning sickness

i'm not great at coping - i tend to hide. i don't return phone calls or emails (sorry friends & family) & i stay in my jammies all day. Lately, i've been saying out loud to Neil (so that my body can hear) "i'm gonna be 16 weeks soon, it should be ending right away...." with a hopeful smile...
i have really mild morning sickness compared to some - i have a friend who was tube fed a special formula through her nose for part of her pregnancy when she couldn't keep anything down - but i sure do have compassion for women who are coping with any level of morning sickness at all.
B vitamins seem to help me. That friend who was hospitalized sent me some B Natal lozenges (sour apple) that seemed to help on the rough days. The old stand by - eating crackers - seems to be a good one for me too. Making sure my stomach never gets empty is a must... but then... when all else fails - i put on my comfiest, frumpiest jammies & crawl into my bed & invite my little ones to just *be with me* there.
i let Gagey crawl all over me, nurse whenever he wants to - & much to Neil's chagrin, i let him eat crackers in our bed. i pay the small fry for cleaning up (a penny an item!) & encourage lots of park play. We simplify our meals & end up having lots of sweet conversations as my world is forced to slow down a little - maybe as preparation for the little one to come?
Really, it's a very small sacrifice for someone like me - a mild discomfort in the grand scheme of things... & when i apologised to my eldest for my inability to do more, she grinned at me & said, "i love it when we get to lay around & visit - i don't mind at all." So, maybe God knows best when He lays me flat on my back - maybe the conversations initiated in discomfort are ordained by Him - maybe this season of nausea has more hidden blessings than i am able to see...

my new bff

So my old computer is finally done.
Neil made the call to just get me a new one & i'm not sure, but i think i'll be getting it tomorrow (for now, i'm blogging on Cai's old clunker).
i've had the old one for so long, i feel like i'm saying goodbye to a friend. i've cried over her keyboard, poured my heart out through my fingers, kept in touch with family and made new friends through that screen.
But i can tend to be sentimental like that... Neil bought me a new journal the other day because my little pink one is getting full & i looked at the new one suspiciously - with shiny new cover & a magnetic panel to close it. i'm glad i have some time to finish of my pink one & get use to this impostor sitting on my shelf waiting for my pen to scrawl in it's pages... Hopefully before that time comes, it will feel a little more familiar & a little less like a stranger.
So... now i'm left wondering about this new computer.
Will my words flow from her keyboard?
Will my ideas stop & start - hardly finding their way from my fingers to my computer screen?
Will my new bff be cold & awkward off the start? Or will we hit it off immediately?
i'm kinda nervous to meet her....

sobbing, hysterical, cheering mama...

Yeah.
That's right.
You heard me.
My kids were in a triathlon this weekend.
i have no idea how some of the parents (my husband included) can remain so *calm*. Apparently, i was made differently.
i was born to cheer.
Loudly.
From the first splash in the water, to the final sprint across the finish line... (& let's just be honest here, i was *that mom* on the sidelines, cheering her child on while she put on her socks in transition... "GOOOOOOO PEYTON!!!!! GET THOSE SOCKS ON!! GIVE 'ER!! YOUUUUU CAN DOOOOOO IT!!!")
i was also the mom cheering till the other parents had to cover their ears when my 9 year old (running a shorter race) caught up to my 11 year old... Yeah, i was screaming and pointing, "THOSE ARE MYYYYYY GIRLS!!!!!! THEY'RE BOTH MIIIIIIIIINEEE!!!!!"
While my children might have had sore muscles after their tremendous efforts (& let me tell you, they were tremendous, having trained for months, they all ran their best races with amazing attitudes) - my voice was sure hoarse that night.
But it was worth it.
Now, lest you think *all* the other parents there were like my husband, let me tell you about a few kindred souls that i saw there... How about the rather rotund father chasing his son across the finish line cheering into his video camera as he jogged along screaming praises to his son - i started cheering for his son too - i just couldn't help myself (nobody's gonna be able to watch that video without getting motion sickness). And then there was the barefoot mama who had obviously done the swim with her little girl, & having laced her daughter's little pink runners perfectly, she left her own feet bare as they ran the running portion together. What about that dad who got all dressed up in his athletic gear, but then couldn't keep up to his son when he got running & had to tell him to go ahead (his son couldn't have been more than 5). i saw another mom dive into the water, doing the swim with her little girl, cheering as she swam backwards in front of her little one with a huge smile on her face...
Yeh, the triathlon was a huge success... & a reminder that while i may be a little off the wall in this emotional, hysterical, (& probably hormonal) sobbing mess of motherhood, i'm not alone.

A Freebie...

i asked my mom one time if life was just *constantly* discovering how stupid you were... & thinking, hoping & praying you were finally getting smarter, only to discover weeks, months, years down the road how much you still had to learn.
She laughed and responded, "Yes."
So, here is a freebie that i learned about Neil. Maybe this will resonate with some other wife out there :)
i use to say things to Neil like, "I'm insecure" or "i feel needy".
He would stare at me blankly.
i thought i was being pretty straightforward & he should really know how to respond. Turns out i may as well have been speaking Chinese. He really, honestly had no clue how to respond to those types of prompts. Mulling over this problem the last time i was feeling needy, i tried a new approach.
"i need you to hug me and take me on a date and tell me i look pretty."
imagine my shock when he sprang into action.
Men are like a rubix cube. You gotta just keep trying... & just when you think you've got it figured out, you realize there are 5 other sides...
& they say women are complicated...

Cap'n Gage

Did i mention my parents got a new boat & took us on some rides when we were there in July?

Those were some fun days....

Telling the rest of the Small Fry.

First off, i should tell you that Gage was one of the first people to know. i felt safe telling my secret to that fat little boy & i whispered it in his ear within days of finding out myself.
My reward?
A perfectly enunciated word - a rare thing - "Baby" he said to me, as if understanding the situation completely & affirming it with that one word that so described himself and the little one to come.
The date of my first midwife appointment finally rolled around. i could feel my fundus - & that gave me some comfort, but i was looking forward to hearing that precious whooshing heartbeat telling me that all was well.
i wondered how different it would be with a midwife rather than a doctor - midwifery care has never been covered by our healthcare until this year, so it had never been an option for us. For the most part, it was the same. i weighed myself (up 7 at 13.5 weeks!), we went through my long history... and finally, i asked her if we could hear the heartbeat. It was a little muffled, but there it was... right around 145bpm. Sweet comforting sounds of life. i held it together & we walked out of there - & i picked up the phone to call Cai. i had promised her that if we were able to hear a heartbeat, i'd phone right away & say so.
"It's a yes." My voice quavers.
"It is?" her sweet high pitched voice matches mine.
As i hang up the phone, i cry. Those 2 times being told there is no heartbeat taught me to never, ever take this moment for granted. Each week is a gift - each pregnancy another fragile leap of faith - and this little one has made it into the second trimester.
That night, Neil called a family meeting. In a way, i wish that we would have told each of the children separately - to give them a chance to react on their own. Mollen and Charter were beyond excited, leaping out of their chairs & patting my belly & talking to the mini person inside. i could see some storm clouds in Peyton's face though & i couldn't put my finger on what was bothering her. She said all the right things, but i could tell there was something on her mind. Later on, i found her by herself - & we got talking - & the tears came - & i found myself having to guess what was wrong... Did it hurt her feelings that we told the bigger girls first? No. Between heaving sobs, she finally got out what needed to get out.
When Gage was about 6 weeks old, she had picked him up after being told to leave him be. She tripped while holding him & they both went sprawling on the floor. For weeks after that, she'd had nightmares - & now, a year & a half later, she still brings it up sometimes when she's feeling insecure.
"What if i hurt the baby? i don't mean to, but they're so little & tiny... what if i hurt the baby like i hurt Gage?"
Sweet tender girl.
It is a bewildering, beautiful thing, *family*. Each person so changed by the other members & each one so intimately and profoundly affected by each addition.
May God prepare each & every one of us in these months ahead as we prepare to morph and change again - & welcome this little one who has already made it's little mark on this family.

Worshipping with K

i was kind of tired getting ready for church on Sunday. Being around other people takes a lot out of me. i sometimes wish i were more extroverted & it energized me, but i'm coming to grips with some of my weaknesses & i don't let them hold me back too much.
We slid into our seats a little early. Don't give us too much credit - we were early, but 2 of our kids didn't brush their hair & we forgot 1 pair of shoes. Pretty much par for the course. Right before the service started, we noticed that Mollen's little friend was sitting with only her big sister K (their parents were helping out in the toddler room) so i sent Cai & Mollen over to keep them company. i kept my eyes on the 4 of them as the music started.
As the congregation was invited to stand, K fairly leapt to her feet. She helped her little sister up & kept her eyes trained on the screen where the words popped up. As she opened her mouth to sing - you could tell that for her, there was nobody else in the room.
K is teeny for her age. She's maybe 45 lbs at 10 years old. A couple of months ago, she shaved her head to support cancer research, so she has a sweet little pixie cut now & her eyes look enormous in her little brown suntanned face.
i saw people in the rows around her begin to turn their heads to look at her as she sang - full voice, skinny little arms and legs moving to the beat of the music - fully immersed, she didn't notice any of them. Every word that came out of her mouth suddenly went straight to my heart. She sang with confidence, joy & love the words that i knew to be true about my King. She sang songs of love to a Saviour who knows her by name & who holds her in the palm of His hand. She wasn't about to let anything get in the way of communion with Him.
Sunday morning, the musicians up on stage were leading the singing, but for me, that morning, K was leading me to worship.

Telling Cai and Sloan...

Cai's nickname is Radar.
And it seems, her radar is constantly tuned in to my station...
"Momma, i had a dream that you're pregnant & you told everyone except me..."
"Mom, i had a dream that i found out you were pregnant on your blog!"
"Mom, remember when we were in Victoria 2 years ago & you were pregnant with Gage? Wouldn't it be neat if you were pregnant again??"
Finally i decided her little mind wasn't going to let this go - & i wondered if she had heard something & figured out the truth anyway, so i waited till we were alone one day & said, "Cai?"
"Yeh?"
Why did she look at me so expectantly? So hungrily? Like she already knew what i was going to say?
"There is gonna be another little baby."
She fairly flew across the room and into my arms. i wasn't sure how she would react - but i had an idea that she would be emotional. i could feel her fear in her little clinging fingers and her sobbing voice as she pressed me for details.
"How many weeks are you? So, the baby has fingers already doesn't it? When did you find out? How could you pretend you're not pregnant for so long??!! Only a little bit till we're past when we lost Hope... We can hear the heartbeat soon, right? What will your due date be? i think it's a girl! i can just picture her! Oh, mom... i'm so excited... and scared..."
i shushed & snuggled & answered all her questions.
i had prayed before we even conceived this baby that God would release me from anxiety and fear if i ever had another baby - and He did. i told her that the God who formed this little one, loved baby far more than we could ever - and whatever He will do, will be right... i felt total peace - & i hoped that her little radar would pick up on that & it would soothe her own little ruffled heart.

So, i wondered, how can you tell Cairo without telling Sloanie?
i knew the answer without hesitation: you can't.
i told Cairo that i would tell Sloanie too - but that i wanted to wait to tell the little ones until we had heard a heartbeat.
i waited the rest of the day for an opportunity to be alone with my little soft girl - & finally, close to bedtime, it came.
"Sloanie?"
She looks up at me, sweetly, "Yes?"
"There's going to be another baby."
She smiles, "Really? Wow, i can't believe it..." pause, "We're gonna need a new van... we're not gonna fit anymore."
"i know, crazy, isn't it?"
i feel relief that i didn't tell the girls together. Last time we did, and poor unemotional Sloanie was completely floored by Cai's tears - this time she is free to react as her own little person - & she softly slides into my arms.
"i wondered if we would ever have another baby..."
"yeh, so did i."
"i can't wait."
"me either."
i feel a tightness in my chest - i hope i didn't tell them too soon... but my own words come back to comfort me... My Father treasures the hearts of these little girls - these tiny women - even more than i do.
Whatever He will do, will be right.