i remember growing up - it seemed whatever i wanted to try my hand at, one of my big sisters had already climbed that mountain - & better & faster than i could too.
i've always felt a little pathetic with what i could possibly offer the world, my family, my God.
There's a song i'll never finish - i started to write it when we lived in Daysland. It's seriously the only song of mine that Neil could sing off the top of his head - because it's a standing joke between us. The chorus starts out, "nothing's ever good enough"... It seemed that in that whiny place that i was in when i started to write that song - that's how i felt - like i was never good enough. So, it's the punchline to any disappointment... i burn the lasagne - he sings, "nothing's ever good enough..." He takes a wrong turn on the way to our destination & i point it out, he sings, "nothing's ever good enough..."
But - it sure is an uncomfortable position to be in when you feel like you never quite measure up - kind of like...
"i love the painting you've made, but i'd never hang it in my house..."
"Your song is on the radio - but let's change the channel & see what else is on..."
"Your chili is good, but i'd love to get Edna's recipe..."
"You can totally keep doing what you're doing, but i wouldn't waste my time like that..."
i remember times in my life where i cried out to God for more opportunities for music. Where i felt that all i poured out to Him at my piano, in my home ~ was something that i ached to share... like *please, God, choose to use me*, but eventually, i came to a place where i told God that the music i write, the songs that i sing, the music that is in my life & my heart ~ it's all for Him. He can use it as He sees fit ~ to shape me as a momma ~ to lead a congregation ~ to teach me to worship... as *one* voice ~ in my house, for the Audience of One.
So, my music - be what it may be - lacking on the rubric, will resound in these walls... praising God - because what else is there to do, but to praise Him?
i remember when i was pregnant with Charter, & Neil bought me my beautiful baby grand piano (we had sold my old upright 'cause we couldn't get it into the house...) ~ Anyway, i got home one night & there it was.... & he said it was to remind me of all the things i'm good at besides being a momma. i was so embarrassed, i couldn't tell my friends that my husband had bought me this completely extravagant gift. i felt like i didn't deserve such a nice instrument... just for *me* to play on & sing with... i felt totally inadequate - & undeserving. Like i just wasn't good enough.
Have you ever been there?
So, the other night... i had a funny picture in my head.
Can you guess?
It was a rubric...
My inadequacies - that i had been so careful to keep to myself had been marked in little boxes with numbers that added up to failure. For some reason - i had been graded on a test i didn't intend to take. Picked seemingly at random - & found wanting.
But suddenly - right before my eyes - my rubric was topped up...
God filled what i lacked - where i lacked more - there was suddenly more of Him.
Enough - complete - adequate.
i was suddenly like the poor widow at the temple - who, though she gave little, Jesus measured it as much, because it was all she had. (Mark 12:41)
So, that's my encouragement to you today - continue to give all you have... God will fill in where you lack - he'll multiply your loaves and fishes -
Take heart -
it will be good enough.