Thursday, April 2, 2009

We've Measured You On Our Rubric...

i remember growing up - it seemed whatever i wanted to try my hand at, one of my big sisters had already climbed that mountain - & better & faster than i could too.
i've always felt a little pathetic with what i could possibly offer the world, my family, my God.
There's a song i'll never finish - i started to write it when we lived in Daysland. It's seriously the only song of mine that Neil could sing off the top of his head - because it's a standing joke between us. The chorus starts out, "nothing's ever good enough"... It seemed that in that whiny place that i was in when i started to write that song - that's how i felt - like i was never good enough. So, it's the punchline to any disappointment... i burn the lasagne - he sings, "nothing's ever good enough..." He takes a wrong turn on the way to our destination & i point it out, he sings, "nothing's ever good enough..."
He's silly...
But - it sure is an uncomfortable position to be in when you feel like you never quite measure up - kind of like...
"i love the painting you've made, but i'd never hang it in my house..."
"Your song is on the radio - but let's change the channel & see what else is on..."
"Your chili is good, but i'd love to get Edna's recipe..."
"You can totally keep doing what you're doing, but i wouldn't waste my time like that..."
i remember times in my life where i cried out to God for more opportunities for music. Where i felt that all i poured out to Him at my piano, in my home ~ was something that i ached to share... like *please, God, choose to use me*, but eventually, i came to a place where i told God that the music i write, the songs that i sing, the music that is in my life & my heart ~ it's all for Him. He can use it as He sees fit ~ to shape me as a momma ~ to lead a congregation ~ to teach me to worship... as *one* voice ~ in my house, for the Audience of One.
So, my music - be what it may be - lacking on the rubric, will resound in these walls... praising God - because what else is there to do, but to praise Him?
i remember when i was pregnant with Charter, & Neil bought me my beautiful baby grand piano (we had sold my old upright 'cause we couldn't get it into the house...) ~ Anyway, i got home one night & there it was.... & he said it was to remind me of all the things i'm good at besides being a momma. i was so embarrassed, i couldn't tell my friends that my husband had bought me this completely extravagant gift. i felt like i didn't deserve such a nice instrument... just for *me* to play on & sing with... i felt totally inadequate - & undeserving. Like i just wasn't good enough.
Have you ever been there?
So, the other night... i had a funny picture in my head.
Can you guess?
It was a rubric...
Despair -
My inadequacies - that i had been so careful to keep to myself had been marked in little boxes with numbers that added up to failure. For some reason - i had been graded on a test i didn't intend to take. Picked seemingly at random - & found wanting.
But suddenly - right before my eyes - my rubric was topped up...
God filled what i lacked - where i lacked more - there was suddenly more of Him.
Enough - complete - adequate.
i was suddenly like the poor widow at the temple - who, though she gave little, Jesus measured it as much, because it was all she had. (Mark 12:41)
So, that's my encouragement to you today - continue to give all you have... God will fill in where you lack - he'll multiply your loaves and fishes -
Take heart -
it will be good enough.


deborah said...

Wow, Paige. That really was encouraging for me. I do struggle with the not-good-enough thing way too much...

Jen said...

I think we all struggle with that. We try to do things that will make us feel adequate or worthwhile.
I hear you on the 'burnt lasagna'...the greatest sense of inadequacies for me is when supper isn't great or the house isn't tidy and it looks like I did nothing all day. I guess that's one of the ways that motherhood (and God) keep us humble.
And Paige, another thing is that even though it doesn't look like your efforts count - you touch people in many special ways...lots of times without knowing it. Remember that awkward highschool girl that used to come to your house in were MORE that 'good' enough for her. I always looked up to you and I learnt so much from you.
I thought you were the COOLEST! (I still do) :)
I miss that butterfly song book ;)

Anonymous said...

"Never good enough" -- that's how I've felt for much of my life too. Getting 98% on my Political Science midterm and my Dad saying "Why didn't you get a 100%" -- almost 20 years ago but the comment (which was meant to be funny, I think) still stings deeply. Ditto with the messy house thing. Maybe some of it the way people will tell others how proud they are of you - or how well you are doing, but they don't say it to your face "so you don't get a fat head." And all that contributes to lower self-esteem and a bitter circle perpetuates itself. Glad that you have Neil to build you up and let you know you ARE good enough... nice to have people shouting for you in the grandstand. Thanks for this post. Plenty of food for thought.
Denise - Saskatchewan Cousin

jessica jespersen said...

So many sentences in here that remind me of where you've been... and the process that God is using to lead you through His grand design for your heart. I liked your picture of the rubric and the idea of being graded on tests you hadn't intended on taking. So much of life is like that isn't it? Such extravagance to have Him fill in the markings with Himself. Really, all that is required or needed is Him. "Praise On Paige!... the Audience of One is waiting." ;)--j

Colleen said...

"not good enough" - that's how I felt after watching you as a mom so many times - the lies we let keep running through our heads when all that matters is who we are in God's eyes. I, for one, am extremely glad Neil "spoiled" you with the piano - I benefitted all summer long from your beautiful playing and singing while I opened my windows wide to enjoy your gift. In God's eyes you are amazing - and so am I.

Colleen said...

Okay I need to clarify - I felt I wasn't good enough after watching you as a mom - I didn't think that about you! I could have gotten myself in trouble there :-)


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