Monday, July 13, 2009

She's so desperate...

Neil & i seem to be lovers, not fighters... except when it comes to that...
& even then... it seems that we're learning to cope with our differences & love seems to win over harsh words & tenderness over coldness.
We've always both been on the tender side with each other... both the babies of our families - peacemakers, companionable, comfortable, easy going... Each giving in when it seemed more important to the other - finding out we agree on more than we disagree on & that the middle ground wasn't too difficult to travel on...
My passion grounded by his realism... My artsiness made more beautiful by his practicality... My frustration reined in by his ability to see all sides of a situation. His sociableness stretches me, his generosity teaches me and his work ethic inspires me. i like to think that we're a perfect match...
i'm grateful for that... but i remember one fight we did have.
i remember feeling like i just wanted to hold my stubborn little body away from him.
There was a dissatisfied sadness looming over us & he went to go soak in the tub.
i remember the little battle in my own heart at that moment when i was about to learn a valuable lesson...
i felt like going... getting out of the house... showing him how frustrated i was... Running.
But i also felt...
Vulnerable... like i wanted him to hold me... & like i needed our *togetherness* more than anything. Staying.
In that moment, i decided to let love win.
i flung open the bathroom door & jumped into the tub with all my clothes on & held on with all my might.
Poor Neil... he laughed at me...
but i learned that i needed to let go of the personal space that i was withholding... i needed to let go of the things that divide & cling to the things that unite. While i knew (& i know) that that doesn't mean the resolution or the end of an argument... i found that even in the midst of a discussion i need to check my heart & make sure that love is always winning - not *me* - but love... i can't care if i look desperate, or crazy, or if i lose face - there's no score...
& so what if i am desperate?
There are some things that are worth being desperate over... & my magical marriage is one of them.

4 comments:

jessica jespersen said...

Reminds me a *little* of the last stanza of a poem i've always loved. It always reminded me of myself... and now it reminds me of *you* hopping into the tub with all your clothes on...desperate to let love win. :) love that. Here it is:

HOW SHE RESOLVED TO ACT


"I shall be careful to say nothing at all
About myself or what I know of him
Or the vaguest thought I have -- no matter how dim,
Tonight if it so happen that he call."


And now ten minutes later the doorbell rang
And into the hall he stepped as he always did
With a face and a bearing that quite poorly hid
His brain that burned and his heart that fairly sang
And his tongue that wanted to be rid of the truth.


As well as she could, for she was very loath
To signify how she felt, she kept very still,
But soon her heart cracked loud as a coffee mill
And her brain swung like a comet in the dark
And her tongue raced like a squirrel in the park.



Merrill Moore (1903-1957)

Prvbs31Mama said...

I love this...you've so encouraged me to let go of my pride and seek to close that gap of personal space between Jamie and I...we are both first borns...lol We're great at fighting and being stubborn...sigh. I love your transparency Paige, it is such an encouragement to me!

mamazee said...

well, you know me, paige- i pretty much let it all hang out with T... i think i am getting better at proper behaviour in public though :)...
But you're so right - there is no "looking desperate" or "controlling yourself" in marriage - i'm soooooo blessed to have a man who will let me empty my pockets in front of him, and coolly listen to it all, and then just do the Right Thing. I love him so much...

Andrea said...

This post won't leave me alone. Thank you for your transparency, your honesty and your vulnerability. I'm blessed by it all.

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