Monday, November 21, 2011

how many fridays left?

i think there are only five.  That means i've muddled through 11 of these already.  Searching, praying, grasping, learning...
This past Friday we got a dump of snow and a taste of the real winter to come. 
i bundled up as warm as i could (it was not warm enough) and i headed to the church. 
The accusing voices are getting easier to understand these days - while in the past, they just made me feel an abstract, 'can't put my finger on it', foolish - now i hear the precision of the attack as those arrows whiz around me and my family...
"Who are you to pray for family?  Look at the state of your own... Whatever you thought you knew, is obviously false - do you think you really have what it takes to build a marriage and a family that lasts?"
"It's too late... whatever you wanted to accomplish has failed.  Give up."
& the worst one - the one that gets under my skin the easiest...
"Neil doesn't love you... You... are utterly unlovable..."
So i turn off my van,  i text the man i love, "i'm at the church.  i will never, ever give up on us.  i love you."
The phone buzzes in my hand and i glance down..."Love you too." i pray to God that i could please believe it, accept it, trust it...  even with this broken child's heart that i seem stuck with these days...
i trudge through the snow, bringing the accusations of the enemy to my Father - who loves me in my inadequacy. 
i feel His tender mercy - and the hot tears freeze on my face as i pace the concrete steps of my church building. 
i pray the Daily Office to help me avoid distraction and stamp my feet to keep out the cold...
..."to give light to them that sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide our feet into the way of peace..."
"Darkness is not dark to thee, O Lord; The night is as bright as the day."
And the fifteen on friday count themselves to their end... i follow my footprints back to my waiting van and drive home to the warmth of my lovely little family...
There are still more questions than answers.  i feel like i'm better understanding the faith that it takes to obey without understanding, without seeing the 'why' or the 'what' God will do.  Five more fridays to go - five more appointments with God...
& i'll thank Him now - because i know... i know... He hears.

2 comments:

Carol said...

Somehow I don't think you just have 5 more appointments with God - they just might not be with ones with you standing out in the cold on a Friday at lunch!

Caitlin said...

Goodness your posts make me cry! I do love them.

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