Monday, November 14, 2011

home

It's been a rough go. 
This blog - is for my little ones.  Maybe one day it will be helpful for them to see their mama 'in the thick of it all' & know how very hard i wrestled out my faith because of my love for them.  And yet even though i write with that small audience in mind, i've chosen to be public in this seeking place - hoping that He will use even these tiny loaves and fishes and multiply them for His Kingdom...
Sometimes that makes it more challenging - because of the privacy of others, but i don't know how to embark on this next stage of learning without gently, brokenly stating that my parents have filed for divorce.  i'm not gonna talk about them - or their marriage, but instead i need to take a long hard look at myself - the walking wounded child of divorce - and explain to my children that yes... i'm drowning, but i promise you all that i will pull myself together.  i will press into the heart of my Father, and accept His comfort.  i will learn what He has for me to learn and i will whisper the truths He teaches me through this present pain into your ears and hearts.  Bear with me, little ones, i'm still reeling. 
i just feel like grabbing Neil & hiding & making him tell me that we'll still love each other when we're 60 and still flawed - that we'll laugh at our differences - hold hands when we walk together and cradle each other when we cry... i want to crawl inside his head and fill it with memories of our past & our dreams for the future & all the things we are to each other. 
My friends tell me it will get better - it will get easier as these nighmarish days pass and we find our new footing, but right now... this is where i am... feeling a little orphaned, blinded by darkness, feeling my way along a dangerous pathway, praying for morning. 
i hate looking at marriage with fear - & that's what i can't seem to stop doing right now...

10 comments:

lola said...

Oh Paige, I'm sorry. My prayers are with you and your family. My parents divorced when I was fourteen. I remember that dark sadness in the pit of my belly. It will get better but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt now.

Stephanie said...

Praying.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you and your sisters...and your parents too.

I'm a child of divorce too and there isn't really a great way to describe it...it sucks!

None of us are immune. I pray for a hedge of protection around our marriage all the time...and will do the same for yours.

Nikki

Kali said...

Blessed are those who mourn,
For they will be comforted. (Matt5:4)

When I said, "My foot is slipping." your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
"When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought me joy." (Ps 94:18-19)

Standing on His Truth, for you all...

Torah-Lovin' Mama said...

I'm so sorry Paige. I can't even imagine how you feel. Yet I'm learning in the pain that I'm enduring, that our Abba wants us to run to Him. Will be praying for you and your sisters...

Anonymous said...

Paige, if you and Neil love each other now, through the thick of parenthood, you will love each other in 60 years when you're surrounded by your grandchildren. The way you two look at each other (in your pic's), the cute little things you do for each other: it's true love! Sherilyn

lovefam6 said...

I love this post. I think it's important to realize that marriage can not be taken for granted, that just because things are a certain way now, means nothing for the future. That our marriages take work, they take sacrifice, they take love, and they are maintained only through the dedicated heart stance of both partners to choose to believe the best, offer grace, be their biggest encourager, and the softest and sweetest voice of correction when necessary. My marriage has it's ups and downs, and I have determined that I want to soak in the blessings, and withdraw from those when we hit a lull. Love is not a feeling, but a choice. Please be tender and loving with your folks, for they have taken one flesh and torn it into two pieces, which is painful to them even if they hide it. I'm praying for an extra outpouring of love for their hearts, and Jesus to show them His miraculous restorative power of redemption in all things.

Carol said...

I'm so sorry, Paige. This is not easy at any age either for you and your sisters, or for your parents.

Marcy said...

Crying for you. How sad. I know you will get through it (and they as well) but for now it will hurt inexpressibly. I am praying right now for restoration, if it's possible. I pray that your marriage will last long past the day you say goodbye to each other on this earth. Your children will rise and call you blessed. None of our marriages should be taken for granted, you are totally right in that. Living in fear does NOT help that, though it is understandable for this time in your life and what you are going through. What I love about you is that you are open about the challenges that exist in your marriage. I see (through your words) that you cherish your man and he you. I pray it is always so.

Hugs.
Marcia

Lesley said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Such a painful time. I will pray for you and your lovely sisters and, of course, your Mum and Dad. Such a time, I am sure, none of you imagined.
Lx

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